Do We Have A Maid?

We were sitting at Schlotzsky's having lunch on December 27th when Josh said, "Do we have a maid?"

I answered, "Yes."

He sat quietly thinking for a minute, then he said, "Seemed like it was the same guy who took our order that made our sandwiches."

I sat quietly thinking for a minute, then I said, "I don't understand, sweetie." Then it hit me, "Are you asking if we have a waitress?" He got very excited and replied, "Yes, that's what I mean...Do we have a waitress?"

We discussed how they hadn't been to any restaurants with waitresses before they came to live with me, so they aren't really very familiar with the word. They only ate at Jack In The Box and at home with their biological family. Then they just ate at home and drive-thru fast food restaurants in foster care.

The first time we ate in a sit-down restauarant was Waterloo Ice House and I remember them mentioning what a nice restaurant it was. Now, nothing against Waterloo, but I don't think of it as a really "nice" place...I don't even think they are going for "nice". But it does have waitresses and you do pay a check.

This day at Schlotzsky's reminded me again what a huge change coming to live with me has been for the boys and how remarkably smoothly it's gone. As a matter of fact, they handled eating in "nice" restaurants so well that it's easy for me to forget they haven't been doing it for long.

Second Grade Truce

Wednesday night, right before bed, I asked Joey how his day had gone. He said fine. I asked if anything good happened. Not really. Did anything bad happen? “No, well except when I got hit in the nuts with a lunchbox.” Oh? Are you okay? He said yes, and suggested I could probably guess who it was. Josiah? Yes, but it was an accident. I told him I was proud of him for knowing that it was an accident given their recent history. He said they had talked on Monday and agreed to stop kicking each other in the privates. Plus, Josiah was looking the other way and swinging his lunchbox. He couldn’t have done it on purpose. That’s when I gave him a huge hug and told him how mature it was for them to discuss the problem and agree to a truce. I gave him a chip for making such a smart decision.

A carrot or a stick?

Don’t worry. I’ve not really used a stick. But I’m trying to switch from taking things away when they misbehave (stick) to giving them positive things when they behave (carrot). The new plan was introduced to me by Pathways’ super nanny, Linda. Linda suggested that I start giving the boys something like poker chips when they do something I like and provide them with a schedule of what they can trade the chips in to get.

I borrowed my sister’s poker chips and bought them each clear plastic boxes to keep their chips in. I bought letter stickers to put their names on the boxes and gave them stickers to decorate them. I made a list of things they can trade the chips for…15 minutes of Wii time, 15 minutes of TV time, go on a walk with Mom, etc. The boys are both very excited about this. It only took them a few days to stop telling me that I should give them a chip for this or that. I kept explaining that it had to be something I thought of, not set behavior or at their suggestion.

Mostly I have used this strategy exactly as Linda intended…but a few times I found myself twisting it just a little. For example, when Joey is arguing with everything I say, I might give Josh a chip for not arguing with everything I say. Or when Josh whines about having to take a bath, I might give Joey a chip for taking a bath without a fuss. This isn’t the best to use the strategy…but it works just as good as giving them chips for good behavior when the other one isn’t misbehaving.

Drowning in Christmas Presents

I know it sounds ungrateful and I am anything but ungrateful, and yet...the boys are getting WAY too many toys right now. I remember hearing in Pride training that they would get a bunch of toys for their first Christmas with me...but I guess I didn't know what that meant. To add to it, Josh's birthday just passed, so he's just been showered with presents.

Now we have Christmas and I can't even believe what we are receiving. My adoption agency had a Christmas party and they each received 3 packages which each held at least 3 toys. That was about 9 toys each at that one party. Then CPS is sending them each a large box filled with toys which I should receive in a few days. Everyone in my family has been anxiously awaiting our first Christmas together and none of us is very good at self-control when it comes to giving presents. And on top of that, Santa's been told where we'll be spending the night on Christmas Eve!

Both Josh and Joey have practically emptied their toy bins into our Charity bin in anticipation of the rush of new toys. I'm particularly appreciative of that because I don't know where we'd put them all if they hadn't. I'm not sure it was done in a truly giving spirit, but whatever. This is going to be a fun Christmas morning and everyone in my family has been excited about having kids there to open presents for...well, for years. My sister and I have been happily filling the kid role for 40 plus years, but we are just as eager to step aside and watch some new blood ravish the wrapping paper.

On the other hand, I don't want to raise spoiled children. I want them to understand the true meaning of Christmas. I want them to value family time and cherish the spirit of giving. And I want them to understand that Christmas is the celebration of Jesus' birth and what that means to them. They each have a strong belief in God and they are beginning to understand that Jesus came to offer us salvation. But, that's a pretty heavy concept for kids. So, for now...they really love Santa and presents and pie!!

It Worked!!

I can't believe it worked. I mean, I can...but seriously I had doubts. I've been reading Supernanny's book and our case managers and therapists have been giving me advice. We've been trying to figure out how to head Joey's temper tantrums off before he explodes. They've told me to redirect him, try to distract him, or include him in whatever's going on when he seems to be starting up.

Saturday morning, Joey turned off the light and closed the bathroom door while Josh was using the bathroom. Obviously this was intended to freak Josh out. It worked. Josh screamed, finished his business and ran out of the bathroom, across the room and slugged Joey hard in the side. I hadn't seen what Joey did, but I saw what Josh did. Josh was immediately put into timeout. For the entire 7 minutes, he cried and screamed and whined about how it was all Joey's fault. However noisy he was, he did stay in the timeout spot for the full 7 minutes. After, he explained what he had done wrong, apologized and gave me a big hug.

During Josh's timeout, Joey came downstairs and into the kitchen where I was doing dishes. He was strutting so I asked him if he thought it was cool to freak Josh out. He said he was just playing. I told him that I didn't consider his behavior "playing". He starting to whine..."You never believe me. You only like Josh. You don't even like me. You always believe him over me. You only like little kids. You're mean." ...etc. I pointed out that Josh is the one that was in timeout. This made him pause for a second, but he was able to just throw that little fact out and keep going. That was when it occurred to me that it looked like we were headed into a tantrum. So, I very calmly said, "Joey, would you please help me empty the dishwasher?" He paused, took a big Harumph and silently started emptying the dishwasher. After a few minutes, I started to leave the kitchen, then stopped, turned back and said "Thank you for helping me." He just looked at me then rolled his eyes. I said "Joey?" and he said "You're welcome." ...and it was over.

Wow. Amazing as well was that it worked again a few hours later. Then, a few hours after that, I asked him to come close on the sofa and I said "Joey, twice today it's looked like you were headed into a temper tantrum. Both times you were able to pull back out of it. I'm really proud of you for that." He nodded and looked cautious, but proud.

I went on "You seem edgy today. Do you feel edgy today?"

"No."

"I'd rather not go there if we can avoid it. Would you rather avoid that too?"

"Yes."

"Ok, let's see if we can get through the day."

"Okay." And we did. This is a miraculous step forward for us!!!

Sent to the Principal's Office

Joey was sent to the principal’s office at school yesterday for the first time. Slightly after 10am in the morning, his teacher called me to tell me he had been sent to the principal’s office for aggressive behavior…specifically for kicking another boy in the privates. Joey? That sounds more like Josh. But let me back up just a bit. In the last few weeks, Josh has gotten much more physically aggressive towards Joey at home. Josh is always hitting or kicking. When I’ve told Josh not to hit and to keep his hands and feet to himself, he’s confused. Evidently no one has ever told him this before. Joey tells me Josh got away with being physical at the foster home because he was so much smaller than everyone else, so he never really hurt anyone. Well, in the last two weeks or so, Josh has walked up to Joey and punched him in the privates at least twice. Joey immediately falls to the floor crying. So far, Joey has never fought back. This is why it took me by surprise that his teacher was telling me that Joey did this.

On the other hand, it’s possible that Joey can’t fight back with Josh because Josh is so much smaller, so he’s taking it out on the kid at school. Another possibility is that Josh’s actions offered Joey a new weapon for his arsenal and he’s using it.

In any case, Joey’s teacher explained that she didn’t think he’d acted out of meanness. I said, “So, you think it was an accident?” And she said, “Well, no.” She had tried to talk to Joey about it but he was so upset that he was going to the principal’s office that he shut down and stopped talking. His teacher said the principal would be calling me and she had just wanted to give me a heads up.

The asst. principal called within an hour. She said she had Joey there with her and needed to report an incident of aggression towards his classmates to me.

Here’s what she described:

Joey came to the principal’s office because he had knee’d another boy in the privates. He embellished his story, so the other kids that had been near, including the boy who had been hurt, were brought in to investigate and try to find the truth. Apparently many of the kids had different stories of what they were talking about while lining up to go to recess, but the most repeated story was that they had been discussing a time when Joey had knee’d another boy in the boys bathroom. At this point, it was reported that Joey knee’d the boy. She didn’t tell me what the embellishment consisted of or who any of the kids involved were. Joey was given a written warning for his first offense and, because of the seriousness of the incident, he would have to eat lunch apart from his class for two days. She asked me to call after I’d talked to him if I found out anything more. My response was that I thought the consequence was appropriate but to note that Joey’s temper trigger seems to be rejection and being isolated. I just wanted her to be alert that this consequence could cause him to escalate. I also told her about Josh’s recent behavior and that it could have contributed to Joey’s even thinking to attack in this way. She appreciated the additional information.

I had all afternoon to formulate my strategy for the evening as I didn’t get another call. Much of me worried that Joey would escalate and that I would hear from them again…but I didn’t. This fact shouldn’t be skirted over…do you see what this means? Joey managed to get into trouble, receive consequences and NOT escalate the situation! Part of my strategy would be to praise him for that. Also, I planned to ask him how it felt to be walking to the principal’s office knowing he would be getting into trouble…and what he thought about the consequences he was given…and how he had felt when we walked back into the classroom. I had a plan that I hoped would prevent an additional blowup and possibly get me more information on what had happened.

I picked the boys up at daycare at 4:50pm. Joey’s Fit Academy class starts at 5:00pm so we were in a hurry as usual. Josh seemed very excited and asked “Are we going home?” I said “Home? No silly. We are going to the gym.” Joey quickly got his things and kind of avoided looking at me. As we were getting in the car, Josh started telling me that Joey had told him what happened. He wanted to get into the details. Joey wanted Josh to not bring it up. Finally Joey said “Mom, are you mad?” and I said no. I asked him if he thought that behavior was okay with me. He said no. I nodded and told him he was right and that I knew he knew that so I didn’t see any point in beating him over the head with it. He took a deep breath and said “Whew!” I told him we would discuss it later and proceeded to change the subject to casually talk about other things.

Josh seemed to be both frustrated and mad that Joey didn’t get in trouble with me. Perhaps that’s because Josh gets in trouble for hurting Joey this way. After the class, I asked Josh if he was upset that I wasn’t upset with Joey. He said no. He thought about it a minute and then he said he didn’t understand why Joey DID get in trouble at school. He said that boys do that all the time and don’t get into trouble. I asked who and he said people he didn’t know. I don’t know if this is true or not, but I explained that they should get into trouble and why this is not allowed.

The rest of our evening was about dinner and homework. Once Josh was asleep and Joey had finished his homework, he and I sat down on the couch to discuss what had happened. I was prepared to hear “embellishment” and excuses, so I reminded him that he wasn’t in trouble at home so there was no reason to lie. And I started the conversation asking when he had hurt the first boy in the bathroom, what day was that? He was confused by the question because it had been earlier in the morning on the same day. Then I mentioned that the incidents had been with more than one boy and he said no just Josiah. So, immediately I get to two things that differ from what the principal had been told. But it makes more sense to me that it was just one boy and one day.

Joey claims that he and Josiah were playing around in the bathroom and Joey accidentally knee’d Josiah. Josiah didn’t tell the teacher about that. But then when they were lining up for recess Joey and Josiah were discussing that Joey had done that and Josiah knees Joey back. No one sees this, but it makes Joey mad so he knees Josiah back. By this point they were making noise and the other kids had turned around and only saw what Joey did, not what Josiah had done. He said no one believed him that Josiah had hurt him first. At this point, I took Joey back to the bathroom scene so he could understand that he had started it in the first place so Josiah hadn’t actually hurt Joey first.

He said that Josiah was going to want revenge and that Joey wanted revenge too. I asked what he meant by him wanting revenge and he said “I want Josiah to get in trouble if he comes after me.” When I asked if he knew how to make that happen, he explained that his plan is to make sure there is someone right by him anytime Josiah is near him and that he’ll tell the teacher right away if Josiah hurts him. Right answer!

Joey biggest complaint was that no one believed him. He said that for a minute in the principal’s office he thought he was winning but then he lost. When I asked him what he meant by winning he said it looked like they were going to believe him but then they all believe Josiah in the end.

I know most mothers want to believe their kids over other people and they want to believe their kids couldn’t possibly do what they’ve been accused of…but I’m kind of the opposite. Given my history so far with Joey, I tend to think he’s lying to me and that he most likely did what the majority of the kids say. But, in this case, Joey’s story made much more sense than what had been pieced together by the principal. Joey loves school and he loves his friends and he loves being liked by everyone. Joey hates getting into trouble at school. It’s highly unlikely that he was just going around hurting various kids with no provocation at all. I am in no way condoning his behavior as he was the aggressor here. But I’m able to help him learn how to not get himself in this situation in the first place.

We talked about he felt throughout just like I’d planned. He said it was scary when he didn’t know what his consequence would be. He has to eat lunch in the principal’s office in silence. That’s better than what I had pictured with him at a table by himself in the lunchroom for all the kids to start at. He didn’t like eating in the office, but he said he made the best of it and even kind of had fun by himself. Wow…I’m so impressed! I told him I was proud of him for making the best of the situation. He said that he is probably now the most hated kid in his class. I asked him how he would feel about one of his classmates if this had happened to them. He thought about this for a minute or so and then said he thought he would feel bad for them. I agreed and said that his classmates will probably feel bad for him as well and not to worry about it.

This morning I went to visit the principal and explain just a few things: (1) only Joey and Josiah have been involved so they need to be watched, (2) they might not be finished with this little battle so they need to be watched, (3) this all happened on one day, not spread over a few days, and (4) I actually against all odds believe that Josiah kicked Joey in the hall, but that I don’t think that should change anything about Joey’s consequences.

I’ve asked some men why guys do this to each other and they have explained that it’s just a method to exploit another’s weakness. Huh. Sometimes they are a mystery!

Josh's 7th Birthday Party

Josh's 7th Birthday is next Wednesday, December 9th. But we had his "fake birthday" yesterday. The boys say he is now "fake 7". What that really means is that we had his birthday party yesterday. We held it at Extreme Fun which is a bouncy house place and he had 10 of his friends to celebrate with him. It was fantastic!! No one cried, fought, peed or puked. He got a great variety of presents: laser guns, art supplies, puppets, Legos, a bike horn, action figures, etc. His friend Piper's mom made cupcakes that were delicious and we all ate pizza. It was easily one of the best birthday parties I've even been to!! So, my first attempt at giving a child's birthday party was a SUCCESS!!!

Does Santa know my new name?

On Sunday morning on the drive to church, Josh and I had the following conversation:
Josh: Mom, does Santa know my new name?
Me: Yes he does. And he knows where you live now too.
Josh: Who told him?
Me: (long pause) Jesus told him. You know that Jesus knows your new name and where you are, right?
Josh: Yes.
Me: Well, Jesus and Santa are tight.
...some silence...
Josh: Ok, so Jesus told Santa my new name and Santa will be able to find me on Christmas.
Me: Yes. Christmas is Jesus' birthday, so Christmas is more about Jesus than it is about Santa.
(Yeah, good try.)

Later that day, we were driving to my parents house with my sister (Aunt Chris) to celebrate Aunt Chris' birthday. Joey started talking about not liking science and Aunt Chris was determined to change his mind. She kept starting conversations with Joey that she knew he would find fascinating and want to know more about and then saying, "Joey, do you know what that is? That's science!" It went on a while and became kind of a joke between them. Josh and I didn't really participate. This was a game Aunt Chris and Joey were playing.

Even later that day, my mom was showing Josh the Christmas decorations. He handled each ornament as high up on the tree as he could reach. Never dislodging any of them. Then this conversation occurred:
Josh: Grandma, I know some science.
Grandma: You do?
Josh: Yes.
Grandma: What science do you know?
Josh: Do you know how Santa Claus knows where we are? God tells him. And that's science!

Mom turned towards me with the biggest grin. Kids can say the cutest stuff!!

Got Milk?

Today Josh was awarded a Pioneer Pride award at school! The award was for having a positive attitude and determination toward learning to read. I'm so proud of him!! To celebrate we went to dinner at Chucky Cheese's. They had been asking to go to Chucky Cheese's and I hadn't yet complied. They were both so very excited to go!

The boys both ordered individual pizzas and milk. Joey has trouble drinking milk out of a carton, so I asked for cups. The staff gave me cups with lids and straws. Perfect. Meghan had met us there for dinner and she filled Josh's milk cup and I filled Joey's. The pizza came and the boys returned from the games to eat. Joey was sitting next to me. He tried the pizza and the milk. He said, "The milk at Chucky Cheese sucks." I didn't really pay much attention. A few minutes later he said "I've found the only thing that's bad at Chucky Cheese...the milk." I looked at the cup and said, "May I have a drink." Yes. So, I took a sip. OH MY GOODNESS!!! Seriously sour milk! Joey giggled at my nasty face and said, "Don't barf Mom." I wasn't sure I wasn't going to. By then I was laughing too. Wow, that’s bad. He laughed more and said he'd almost stopped me, but figured, oh well. And then he said, "You should have believed me." Yes, that's very true. I asked how much of it he had drank. One large sip. I said I was sorry he’d had even that much and that I was also sorry that I had. Meghan took it to the counter and traded it for a good one, but I think both of our appetites for milk had been soured at that point.

I imagine that will be one of those bonding stories that Joey tells for years to come and we both get to laugh about it. What a fun evening!

Money From Friends

What's the deal with my kids and money? Other kids money. The first time Joey brought home another kid's dollar, he tried to hide it from me. Obviously not very well. When I asked him what he'd just stuffed in his pocket, he lied to me about it. When I found it, he said one of the kids at daycare gave it to me.

Why?

I don't know.

I was stumped about what I thought about this. But I knew he couldn't keep it because he'd lied to me about it. I told him I would bring it to daycare the next day and we'd return it to her. And we did. When I handed it to him and told him to return it, she came over and took it back without any expression. I wonder why she gave him a dollar.

Then, a few weeks ago, Joey was having one of his temper tantrums and took all of his allowance money and put it in his pocket. I didn't force him to put it back. I looked for it in his room, just to see if I could figure out his hiding place. Had I found it, I would have left it alone. He needs to trust that I won't take his money, even if I'd be putting it back in his own money envelope. But I didn't find it. About a week later, during a therapy session, he mentioned having given all of his money to his friends. I was really surprised. I asked if he had given it away because he thought I would take it away if he kept it. He said yes. I told him again that I will not take away the money he's already earned. Not for misbehaving. Not to pay restitution for destroyed property. Okay, so here's an example of a kid giving another kid money. I wonder what those kids told their parents.

The next mystery was when Josh came home yesterday with a five dollar bill in his pocket. He pulled it out and told me about it right away. I asked him who gave it to him and he said Lawrence.

Why?

I don't know.

Joey pipes up and announces that I have to let him keep it because he didn't lie about it and try to hide it from me. I don't know what to do about it. I explained to both of them that I'm concerned because bullies get money from other kids through unkind means and that I don't understand why kids keep giving them money. They reiterated that they don't know why the kids give them money, but they aren't bullying anyone or forcing them to.

Huh. Any ideas what I should do?

Dazed and Confused

I haven't been blogging lately because so much is going on and I don't know what to say about it. This new life is truly a roller coaster. We are having many days that are so much fun, but they are interspersed with some horrible clashes. The boys are still taking turns misbehaving. But the temper tantrums are rising to new levels. I, on the other hand, am doing an increasingly good job of pretending it doesn't bother me. Ha!

I like to think I'm not too materialistic and the boys mean more to me than any possession I could possibly have. But...I've been living alone for 9 years where no one broke anything but me. So when Joey puts my home telephones in the dog bowl to punish me or Josh makes a gash in my brand new dining room table with the sharp, eraser-less end of a pencil, it does hurt me...even though I have to pretend it doesn't bother me at all. This is something I'm struggling with. The stuff does not matter more than the boys...but it doesn't matter zero either. I've worked very hard to live in a nice home with nice furniture and such. And if they destroy it all, I will still find ways to love them through that. On the other hand...I really hope they don't.

Josh is having a really hard time. He has started copying Joey's temper tantrums to the best of his tiny frame's ability. He screams "Meany" and "I hate you" and "I just want to die". All of which he got from Joey. And Joey has been ramping up at such a velocity that the psychiatrist has put him back on meds. He's extremely unhappy about that. But, so far, he's taking them without incident.

On the fun side, we went to a UT football game with the whole family that was tons of fun. We went to the Pond Springs Fall Festival at their school and played games and really enjoyed ourselves. They are loving rock climbing and Fit Academy and Chess Club.

The good parts are really good and the bad parts are really bad. Extreme times.

Eating Veggies

Once I received the same advice on how to get Josh and Joey to eat vegetables five times, it was time to try it out….and I’m telling you, this is GENIOUS! Get the individual cups of peanut butter, some ranch dressing, cottage cheese, whatever you can think of to dip veggies into. Then clean and chop up or slice a variety of fruits and veggies: carrots, celery, cauliflower, broccoli, cucumber, grapes, apples. Serve up a Dipping Dinner! Get into the fun of trying new combinations.

When I tried it with Josh and Joey, Joey’s first reaction was “There’s something wrong with this dinner! It’s missing the good part.” I just ignored him and kept preparing dinner. Once we started eating, he LOVED it! They both had tons of fun dipping and crunching. We had invited my sister, their Aunt Chris, over to eat with us. Josh enjoyed counting to 3 and having us all crunch our veggies on 3. When we left the table, we were all stuffed and happy. What a difference from the usual vegetable battle! Thank you to all that had given me the suggestion. Genius!!

Giving Adoption Advice

Ha! That’s funny. Me? My little family is just 3 months old. What do I know? In any case, tonight I went to my adoption agency and sat on a panel of adoptive parents telling our stories to the future adoptive parents currently in PRIDE training. I love talking about my experiences so I was happy to go. Naturally, right after I left, I started thinking of things I should have told them or better answers than what I gave. What I did think to do was give them the address to this blog, so maybe I can rectify that here.

I had mentioned my concerns about my large dogs being frightening to the boys when they first met. Then what really happened which was that the dogs were scared to trembling of the noise the boys brought to the house. One of the ladies asked how they are all doing now and how long it took for all of them to feel comfortable. My answer was that Cooper is still a little tentative but they all play and cuddle so I feel like they are doing fine. I don’t think I answered how long that took…which was really just a few days. But there’s actually something else I think that is important.

I tell everyone that I’m adopting the boys. Sometimes I get unexpected help just by being willing to put myself out there that way. My dogs go to Taurus Training and Doggie Play Day every couple of weeks to play with other dogs and burn off energy. The first time we all took the dogs to Taurus, I asked the guy at the front desk if the boys could tour the back so they could understand what Cooper and Quincy were going to be doing all day. They knew that Cooper and Quincy didn’t have little boy owners so we naturally got into a conversation about my adoption. Evidently word got around because the owner, who had originally trained both Cooper and Quincy, sent me an email congratulating me and asking if she could help. She suggested I bring Josh and Joey and the two dogs to Taurus the following Saturday so she could spend some time with them and teach them how to respect large animals so no one would get hurt. We only spent about an hour there, but it was fantastic! Melanie explained that leaning their weight on the dog’s backs is rude to the dogs. She went into detail about how to treat them and not be threatening. I’m not claiming that Josh has never leaned on Quincy again, but much less often and it’s easier for me to get him to stop.

The other thing I thought of that I might have shared was not being prepared for the public bathroom question. I had worked out a lot of things before I got the boys…but I hadn’t even thought of the issue of whether or not I let them go to the bathroom by themselves in public. That very first day that I had them in San Antonio presented this problem to my about 6 times and I think I solved it differently each time. What I knew then was that I just needed a strategy and to stick to it. It almost didn’t even matter what the strategy was. The problem is that I’ve found one strategy doesn’t fit all circumstances. So, I still waver. Based on the vibe of the situation, sometimes I insist them come into the women’s restroom, sometimes I let them go into the men’s together, sometimes I’ll even let them go alone. If the bathroom is a standalone one, I can look in and then let them go. If it’s a larger one, that’s not possible. If it’s a crowded place, I take them in the women’s restroom. I don’t even know all of the criteria for my decisions sometimes, which must be very confusing for Josh and Joey. I know Joey hates going in the women’s restroom. Josh doesn’t really care either way. Josh will even go in a stall with me if we have to and just turn the other way if I need to go, without even being asked, like this had been happening in his life previously and he gets it. That points out another thing I’ll get to in a minute. But for now, I only suggest people who are planning to adopt put some thought into this because it’s very stressful to have to decide at the spur of the moment.

The other thing I’d just thought of is how bizarre it can sometimes be to find that so many things have occurred in their lives that I know nothing about. Little things. Big things. It seems sometimes like we are in a very long interview. I’ll ask them if they know who Michael Jackson is and they’ll do to the moonwalk. Then they’ll ask me if I’ve always had this same car. It’s fun and it’s exhausting. I’m still looking forward to next year or the year after when we have some history to base our relationship on.

It was fun talking to the PRIDE class. I hope I get to do that again! Maybe next time I’ll feel more like I know what I’m talking about. Maybe not.

Decorating Their Room

Once I’d decided to adopt…really decided…then I started fantasizing about how I would fit these unknown children into my home. I have a three bedroom house with a loft area that had been set up as a pretty comfortable exercise room. One extra bedroom was my office and the other is an extra bedroom for Mom and Mel to stay in when they visit…or anyone else, but no one else visits. In any case, where would I put the imaginary boys?

I was trying to decide if they should go in one room or two. Well, doesn’t it depend on how many of them I get? I decided to imagine two. Should they share a room or get their own? Should I give them the choice? One of my Facebook friends suggested that what kids want most is to know that I’m decisive and dependable. He said I should decide and tell them, not wait and ask them.

I decided to put them in the office. So, I methodically started getting rid of all of the office furniture and as much of the paperwork and books as possible. Anything work related, I took to the office. Then I created a new office in the closet in the loft. Yes, that’s what I said. I put a file cabinet in there and lots of shelves. My goal was to get my office needs reduced enough to fit in a closet. I’m happy to report that I was successful in that endeavor. Once the room was emptying out, I was ready to fill it. But I didn’t have kids yet…didn’t even know how many or what ages I would end up with. The room stayed empty.

When I learned of Josh and Joey, I was ready to start buying bunk beds and such, but the case managers told me to hold on. They said I could get rid of anything that, if everything was to fall through, I’d still have wanted to get rid of. They cautioned that anything can happen in these situations and to just be patient. Ha! Be patient? Ugh. The room stayed empty.

Once I’d been picked to get Josh and Joey, I knew much more about what furniture I would want. I decided on bunk beds. Can I buy furniture yet? Yes, but be careful. I went to Rooms to Go Kids and found the coolest set of wooden bunk beds with a matching tall dresser and bookshelf. It was pretty expensive, but my kids are worth it! They had 0% financing that day so I wanted to buy it, but I was supposed to “be careful”. Hmmm…When I asked about returning the furniture if it was never used, they explained their policy. After it’s delivered and assembled, it’s mine. No returns. But before it’s delivered, I could delay delivery or cancel delivery and get something else. No option was to cancel altogether. I decided to go ahead and buy the furniture but to put off delivery for a few weeks. Once I knew when the Presentation Staffing would be I could call and delay delivery until after that. The concern, of course, was that something might go awry that day and I’d have furniture for kids I wasn’t getting. A few days before the delivery date, I called and delayed a few more weeks because the Presentation Staffing still hadn’t been scheduled. This happened a few times. Finally, the staffing was scheduled for July 23rd. I called and schedule my furniture delivery for Friday, July 31st.

The walls in their room were eggshell color and had splotches of sheetrock repair that had been behind pictures. Obviously I needed to paint. What color? One color? A design? To decide I went to an expert. My friend’s 11 year old son, Gavin. I asked him what color he would have wanted his room to be when he was 7 years old. His answer was quick and decisive. Blue. Okay then, blue is what it would be. He was so certain, I never questioned the choice again. I went to Lowe’s and compared tons of blues. I had saved 2 cartoon prints from the pool room I’d had in a previous house and I’d decided to put those in the boys’ room. One was of Taz dunking a basketball and the other was of Sylvester staring at Tweety in his cage. I took home the paint cards and compared them to the prints to pick the perfect blue. Then I enlisted Meghan, Donna and Christine to help me paint. I chose the paint color the day before heading to San Antonio for the Presentation Staffing. I had been told that, if all went well in the Presentation Staffing, typically the boys would be permanently placed in my home within about 4 weeks. I had a plan: paint, furniture delivery, buy sheets and some toys to decorate. I had weeks to continue to prepare…so no sweat.

When I arrived at the Presentation Staffing and was chatting with the San Antonio caseworkers before the foster mom arrived, the senior caseworker suggested that I stay overnight and meet the boys the next day for an hour or so with the foster mom, on Friday. She then said I could then stay Friday night and pick them up and spend the day with them on Saturday. She said the following weekend I could come pick them up and take them back to Austin for the weekend, then the next weekend they could be placed with me permanently. What? What did she say? WHAT?

I’m a complete control freak and my plan was getting squashed. Oh my goodness. I didn’t react right away because I had a fear that saying “Whoa, that’s too fast!” might come across like I wasn’t ready to have the kids. I was as ready emotionally and psychologically as I could be at that point…but I just wasn’t physically ready. I hadn’t painted. The furniture hadn’t arrived. I didn’t have sheets, towels, toys…anything! I sat there calculating that if I accept this plan, I have exactly 1 day at home to get everything ready. Plus, I could try to get the furniture delivery moved up a day and see if Christine could go to the house to accept delivery. I left the Presentation Staffing with my head spinning. Getting the house ready wasn’t even the most stressful thing now swimming around in my head. I was going to meet my sons the next day and then spend an entire day alone with them on Saturday. The story of how all of that went is for another time. For now, I’ll stick to the story of getting their room ready for them. How could I fit that into the time I had been given? The current plan was for me to pick them up on Friday, July 31st and drive them to Austin. That gave me 7 days until then. I would spend the next 2 days in San Antonio, and I had to work during the week. So, I had 1 day…Sunday. Time to ask for some help.

After meeting the boys on Friday…spectacular story for a different day…I went to Lowe’s and bought the paint. I called Meghan. She and Donna went to my house and readied the room to be painted on Sunday. On Saturday, the first thing I did with the boys was take them to Target where we all picked out there sheets and comforters and throw pillows and some toys. On Sunday, after church, Meghan, Donna, Christine and I painted the boys room blue in record time. Then I went shopping for ducks…yellow ducky towels, shower curtain, rug, toothbrush holder, cup. You name it, we got it with yellow ducks on it. I had called Rooms to Go Kids and they couldn’t move the delivery date in a day. The furniture was scheduled to be delivered on the same day I would be going to San Antonio to pick up the kids. What if it didn’t show up or was the wrong furniture? What if something was wrong with it? That’s when I made the call to the foster mom and explained that I just couldn’t get there on Friday to pick them up for the weekend. I would leave Austin at 5am on Saturday and pick them up by 8:30am on Saturday, but I just couldn’t get there on Friday. She completely understood and helped the boys to accept the situation as well. One day wouldn’t help me fix the furniture if it was delivered incorrectly, but it gave me just a little breathing room.

On Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, they building a house in 7 days. It took me 8 days to decorate one room. But it looked good. The furniture showed up with 2 flaws, but was acceptable and they could come back next week and fix the issues. So I didn’t let it bother me. I had gotten the room ready and I love it! Did the kids love their room? Yes and no. They ran in their room and loved all the colors and all the toys…but the furniture? If someone would have asked me six months ago if kids have the same priorities or tastes as me, I would have said “No, of course not, obviously not.” But I wasn’t thinking like that at the time.

Every time I go in their room I love the way it looks. I think it’s really cool. And I hope they’ll learn to appreciate it the way I do. They love their room! It’s not that they don’t like it. It’s just the…”oh man, its wooden bunk beds instead of metal ones that we can put our magnets on like at Mimi’s house”. Who knew? Not me. Go figure. I could have spent 10% of what I spent on the beds and they would have loved them! Lesson learned. And I still love the furniture, so no regrets!

One of the best things about the way the timing all worked out was having those 5 days between them coming to visit and them being placed permanently. It allowed me to fix so many of the things that I hadn’t even known I needed to fix until they tried to live in the room. As it ends up, having a standard ceiling fan in the middle of the room with bunk beds is fairly dangerous. Particularly when the child sleeping on the top bunk tends to sit up in bed and fling his arms around. I discovered this at about 4am the first night they were here. I heard Joey talking, so I went in to check on them. He was sitting up with his back to the fan, moving around…but the edges of the fan blades were about 6 inches from his head. Too close for me! I put my hand on his back and eased him away from it. Then I hustled over to the switch and turned off the fan. Whew! The fan come down the next week and a stationary fan was hung from the ceiling in the farthest corner of the room. I also learned that first weekend that I didn’t want locks on the doorknob of their room. I didn’t want them to be able to lock that door and lock themselves in or me out. So, the following week while they were back at the foster home, I switched out the doorknob for one without a lock on it at all. The lock is still on the bathroom door, but I continue to question whether or not that’s a good idea. Having the opportunity to let them try out the setup, then leave so I could fix the setup was brilliantly successful!!

Getting better?

Yesterday while we were eating dinner, I asked Josh and Joey if they could name one thing that is better here than at Mimi’s house…the foster home. I knew at the time that it was probably a really bad idea to ask this, but I did it anyway. Josh said “You like cartoons and Mimi doesn’t, so that’s better.” And Joey said, “Well, that was the country and this is the city, but there’s more room here. More room inside and more room outside. So, we can ride our bicycles and stuff.” I said, “Very good.” Then I asked if they could name one thing that is better here than at their dad’s apartment. Josh immediately said, “No, nothing is better here than with our dad. Everything was better with him.” I just nodded and smiled slightly. Then Joey said, “That’s not true. You don’t spank us. And we don’t have to eat the same thing all the time. We ate Romen like every day. That’s better here.” And I said, “Ok, good.” I explained that I’m not trying to compete with either of those places, but that it helps me to know what they are enjoying here. Then I asked if they feel safe here. They both said they feel safer here than they had at their dad’s or at Mimi’s. Joey went on to say that the first night they spent here he remembered feeling safer in his new bedroom than he could remember feeling…ever.

The Foster Mom

Some foster moms get so attached to their foster kids that they can make the transition to an adoptive home more difficult than it could be. I doubt if they understand that they are making it harder on the kids. They just get so emotionally involved that they lose sight of wanting the best for the kids. How do I know this? I guess I don’t really. I went to a class given by CPS for foster parents on transitioning children out of the home. I went to get an idea of the other side of the transaction and what I might be able to do to make it all easier. They talked to the foster parents a great deal about not getting in the way. Also, I’ve read a lot of books on the subject of adopting and they all seem to mention that how comfortable the foster parents are with you will make a big difference in your success during transition.

My kids’ foster mom was fantastic! She loves the boys and yet never lost sight of what they needed, which was a forever family. She promised them that she was looking out for them and wouldn’t agree to let them come to a home that wouldn’t be good for them. But she didn’t set her standards so high that I couldn’t meet them. She is running the home as a single mom which I feel helped my kids understand coming into my home. They told her that if she could do it, I probably could too. They had been in her home for 20 months and during most of that time they called her Mom. Before they met me for the first time, she told them that they needed to prepare for me to be their forever mom and to call me Mom. She suggested they could start calling her Mimi to reduce the confusion. How cool is that??? She really prepared them to come to me with less fear by talking through their concerns and assuring them that I was the perfect Mom for them.

I met her for the first time at the Presentation Staffing on July 23rd. The Presentation Staffing is a meeting with the kids’ caseworkers, lawyer and foster parents along with me and my case managers. The idea is for me to get any information that isn’t formally in the file. In some cases, I’ve heard this can be pretty heavy stuff. For me, I got to ask what they like to eat, when they go to bed, what they thought of being adopted, etc. Sharon, the foster mom, talked and talked and I soaked it all up. After an hour, the caseworkers had another appointment, so Sharon and I went to lunch.

She told me story after story. It was a bit overwhelming. I couldn’t get a word in, but then again it was important for me to be quiet and listen. I will soon go back and write a detailed blog about that weekend in San Antonio when it feels like my life with Josh and Joey first started. But for now, the important thing is what a gift Sharon has been. She boosted my confidence and she gave them every assurance that coming with me was the right thing for them. She gave them the impression that they would be asked if they wanted to come with me. I’m not sure what the age is when children begin to have a say in the matter, but I didn’t have the impression that it was 6 or 8. On the other hand, if they had vehemently refused to come, they would have been heard. As it was, they felt like they had some power over their own lives and, I think, came to me more enthusiastically because they didn’t feel forced.

Sharon told the boys that they would talk on the phone and write letters and even try to get together when possible in the future. She assured them that they weren’t saying goodbye forever. Josh and Joey sent her and the other foster brothers’ letters first, then we got letters back. When we sent letters again, we didn’t get anything back for quite a while. We started out talking to Mimi and the other boys each Sunday night, then weeks would be by and finally it’s been 6 weeks since they’ve asked to call. Each time Joey goes to the mailbox with me, he talks about hoping there are letters from Mimi, and there aren’t…but he gets over that pretty quickly. I think Sharon knew things would progress exactly like they have and I think she’s letting them go. She and I talked enough that I know this has been hard for her to do. She became extremely attached to Josh and Joey. But she’s doing it for them. She knows that holding on to tightly to that home will prevent them from attaching as much to this one. I thank God for how much she helped all of us every time I think of her.

Looking Back

I was working on a new post earlier that caused me to go into my saved files looking for the notes I wrote during that first weekend in San Antonio. I reread those notes and...wow...it's always interesting looking back at what I've written before I knew more.

[Sidenote: Don't we always know more than we use to? I guess not, as I forget stuff all the time. But I never seem to write, back when I knew less. Maybe I will when I get even older.]

So, instead of posting that story now, I'm going to use some of those notes and continue working on it and hopefully post it tomorrow. I'm sure you all know and understand that I need to edit them and be very careful about names, locations, dates and such. Public blogs are searchable and I don't want to make this one private...but I don't want to be found by the wrong people either. The "wrong people"...yikes!

Stay tuned...more to come!

Are we a blended family?

"I HATE IT HERE! I DON'T WANT A DOG THAT CHEWS UP TOYS! I HATE COOPER!" screamed Josh at bedtime last night. Cooper hasn't chewed up one of their toys in about 5 weeks. When the boys first arrived, I explained to them that Cooper and Quincy (our dogs) have dog toys that look and taste just like little stuffed animals. Cooper likes to unstuff his own toys and he can't tell the difference between his toys and the stuffed animals the boys brought with them. I told the boys to make sure they didn't leave anything on the floor of their room or it was at risk. They decided that they should not only keep the floor clear, but they would keep the door shut as well.

Twice they have forgotten and we've come home to an unstuffed prize possession all over the living room floor. Both times they have been Josh's toys and both times he handled it very maturely. He was sad that the toy had been chewed up, but he took responsibility for leaving them down and the door open instead of getting mad at the dog. The first time it was his Incredible Hulk. His new Grandma (my mom) and I sewed him up and told Josh it was a cool new scar. The next one was Sid from Ice Age and he was just a goner. Josh and I had a very short, informal funeral for Sid and tossed him in the kitchen trash can. As much as I feel badly for Josh, part of me is appreciative that Cooper is helping me teach the boys to keep their room clean. Since then, Cooper hasn't gotten his paws on any toys.

So, last night's declaration wasn't in response to Cooper eating one of Josh's toys. Instead, this was in response to having to pick up his toys before he goes to sleep. They both want the door open at night and Cooper regularly goes in there to make sure they are okay. He's even come and woken me up in the middle of the night for me to find Josh sleeping on the floor having rolled out of bed. Cooper feels a great responsibility at night to pace between my room and theirs making sure everyone is okay...and I don't think he can decide where he should sleep.

I wonder if this is anything like blending families. Josh and Joey are having to learn and adjust to Cooper and Quincy's ways just as Cooper and Quincy are having to adjust to Josh and Joey. Their are positives and negatives for everyone. And I feel the need to defend all of them to each other as they feel their new way. I want everyone to get along and respect each others idosyncracies while also standing up for themselves. That may be too much to ask. I haven't done any research on blending families because I hadn't really looked at this in that light before. My current strategy is to just give them all time and pray for the best.

Which Playgrounds Rock?

I’ve always thought that the awesomeness of a playground was measured by the height of the highest slide and the number of apparatus and maybe even the brightness of the colors of paint. Turns out I was way off the mark. On the first day that Josh, Joey and I spent together I took them to a playground in San Antonio. Joey immediately started telling me that the playground sucked. I looked around and it really did. The slides were small and the equipment was old.

So, once we were in Austin, I started taking them to cool playgrounds, well at least I thought they were cool. The boys were fairly unimpressed. I started thinking maybe they thought when I said we were going to a playground they were expecting an amusement park. Then, finally we went to what I would have described as a cruddy little playground and they thought it was AWESOME. What? Boy was I confused.

On the way home I started asking questions. Ends up the awesomeness has much less to do with the slides, size of the playground or colors and everything to do with how many other kids are there and whether or not they’ll play with you. That rule has proven true at every playground we’ve been to since. Now that I see that it’s much harder for me to predict what they’ll think of a playground before we actually get there and much easier once I see the crowd.

My Showers

During adoption training, I was told that I would need to supervise my kids every moment they were awake. Naturally, I wondered how I would take showers, change clothes, go to the bathroom and maintain my sanity if I couldn’t have a moment alone. There are many single parents out there successfully raising kids who are clean and dressed. When I asked the question of the case managers, they said that I had lots of options, like showering after they go to sleep with a baby monitor in the bathroom in case they call for me…or in the morning when they wake up. They also said to stop stressing out about it until I had the kids because all kids are different and they all have different needs as far as how much they need to be supervised. This was one of those things that just got into my head and I couldn’t get it out. It kept bugging me. Maybe it’s because I was afraid it was an example of how I wasn’t going to be able to fulfill all of their needs. Maybe it’s because I just needed something to obsess about. In any case, I was able to lessen my stress by telling myself that my case manager wasn’t going to let me adopt kids that needed so much assistance that I couldn’t take a shower. That ended up being true.

The day after they came to live with me, they had been having little battles all day. Lots of crying and tattling and yelling at each other. But, it was time for my first shower. I turned on the TV to cartoons and told them I was going to take a shower. Considering we rarely even turn on the TV, I figured this would be mesmerizing enough to get me 20 minutes. I told Joey that the bathroom door would be unlocked but they weren’t to come in or knock unless someone was really hurt, not for a spat or to ask a question or tell me a story. About halfway through my shower, with shampoo in my hair, Joey started knocking on the door. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, so I kept saying “What? I can’t hear you.” He didn’t open the door. Pretty soon the knocking stopped. I hurried to finish my shower and rushed to dry off. I wrapped a towel around me and flew out of the bathroom. I couldn’t hear crying, so I immediately decided no one was hurt. I was prepared to find Joey and explain that I was serious when I said not to interrupt me unless it was an emergency. When I got to the TV room, I asked Joey what had happened to cause him to knock and he said, “Well the toilet was overflowing and I thought you’d want to know.” Well, hmm…yes I would. I went to check out the toilet and later assured him that, yes, he had made the right decision and that the toilet backing up was definitely an emergency.

Since then, I’ve done most of my showering before they wake up or at the gym. Just because that’s the way it’s worked out…not because I can’t leave them for 20 minutes. Nighttime didn’t end up being a good idea because that’s really their most active time. When they should be sleeping is when most things happen around here. Ends up I hadn’t really needed to stress out about it anyway…what good did that do me?

Comparing raising kids to raising dogs

Making comparisons between raising kids and raising dogs offends some people…pretty much only people with kids and no dogs. But there truly are similarities. Sure, I know the differences and I’m not attempting to use any of the same rules with my kids as my dogs. But some of the main similarities at this point in my relationship with Josh and Joey are in my heart.

I’ve had dogs that I considered “mine” since I was in the 4th grade. That’s when we got Creampuff. I remember loving Creampuff from the first day we had her. We were inseparable, like a little girl and her puppy should be. Unfortunately, a few years later she went in the backyard and picked up a toad in her mouth. I saw this and it grossed me out so much I wouldn’t let her lick me and I wouldn’t play with her anymore. Having lost her best friend, she started hanging out with Mom and they became the best friends Creampuff and I had been. When I left for college, I hardly missed her because I’d pushed her so far away at that point. It’s really sad looking back at it now. Plus, it points out my ability to take something that is second nature to a dog and make it into a relationship destroying event.

In college, I got a cat that I named Whiskey. Cute name for a cat, but seriously makes me wonder about my priorities at that point. Nonetheless, after I graduated and once she was about 3 years old, I got rid of her because she wouldn’t stop peeing on the carpet of my apartment. I was moving into a new apartment and I’d lost my entire deposit which at that point I really couldn’t afford. I put an ad in the Greensheet. Yes that’s how long ago this was…the only place to put an ad was in an actual newspaper. Looking back at this, it looks like a sound decision to get rid of Whiskey because she was just too costly…well, until you start making the comparison of caring for pets to caring for children. Josh has been peeing in all sorts of inappropriate places lately. But, all I have for him is compassion and concern, no desire to put an ad in the Greensheet.

Not long after I got rid of Whiskey, I went on a search for a black Pomeranian and found Nicky. For Nicky’s first year, we battled and we bonded. I desperately wanted us to be close but I had to discipline him so much it was difficult. First he needed to be housetrained, and then he kept running out the front door and taking me on wild goose chases…almost literally…except he wasn’t a goose. I would get so frustrated with him that I would sit and cry and we didn’t yet have love to offset the frustration. I got a dog gate and put him in the kitchen and he got out. I created a wall that was at least 4 feet tall and he got out. He learned to jump onto the kitchen counter and go over the bar area. He was a little nightmare until the day he turned one year old. I had told him many times that people kept telling me he would grow out of all of this when he turned one. I guess he was listening because on that very day, he stopped chewing everything up and he was housetrained and he became my best friend. We loved each other like I had always dreamed of. Nicky stuck with me through sixteen years of life…we got married together…we got divorced together…we moved to California and then back to Texas. Nicky’s life story defined loyalty and self-sacrifice. He would have fought a bear to protect me if he had to.

About 6 months after Nicky passed away, I went to the shelters looking for a new puppy. A shy 15 lb, 4 month old, red puppy picked me. The shelter volunteer really wanted me to take another dog, but I couldn’t pay attention to the other dog because this little one kept wagging his tail in his water dish and flicking me with water. When I took him out of his cage to play with him, he climbed up and around my neck and hid under my hair. Then he stayed so very still as if he thought I might forget he was there and accidentally take him home. This was obviously my dog. I named him Cooper. On the way home, we went by PetsMart for a leash and collar. Cooper had no idea how to walk on the floor inside the store so he kept trying to climb back up my leg. When I put him in the cart, he was fine. Once we got home to my apartment, he jumped from the front door across the tile to the carpet, laid down and slept for about 3 days. When he woke up, we started getting to know each other. As long as I was with him, he was sweet and playful and fun. But if I was even in the next room, he methodically destroyed my stuff. He dug plants out of their pots along with all the dirt and he chewed on walls. He was so stressed out that he just didn’t know what to do to calm himself down. I’ll never forget the day I came in from being at the gym for an hour to find that Cooper had eaten the couch…not eaten a pillow, but gone straight into the meat of the couch and taken out the contents. I didn’t understand him and I didn’t know what to do to help him…but he loved me from the moment he came into my life.

Cooper’s trainer suggested getting a second dog might help calm him down since then he wouldn’t be alone. So, after buying a house where we could all live, Cooper and I both went back to the shelter to pick out a second dog. I left the decision up to Cooper since he would have to spend all of his time with the new dog. Cooper chose an adorable black and white Lab/Heeler mix that was fluffy and playful. He was about 20 pounds and they thought he was about 4 months old. They had estimated he’d grow to be around 40-60 pounds. Cooper was pushing 40 pounds at that point, so I thought that would be a good pairing. This one I named Quincy.

Having Quincy and just becoming more mature both contributed to Cooper’s growing calmness, but he’s still a jumpy fragile soul at times. Where Cooper loved me from the first moment, Quincy loved Cooper…but rolled his eyes at me a lot. Quincy is a total Bubba dog. He eats well more than his share…he burps and farts…he doesn’t like other dogs to see him getting hugs and kisses and he looks at me like “Mom” when they do. On the other hand, he follows me everywhere and sleeps right next to me every night. It’s like he loves me, but he’d rather not talk about it. And, speaking of eating, all of the dogs I’ve known in the past ate when they were hungry and then stopped. Quincy ate and ate and ate…until he hit 120 pounds. He’s now on a strict diet and exercise program. He’s gotten down to about 110 and we’re aiming for 100. He’s much bigger than the shelter had estimated, but I love every pound of him.

For the first 6 months or so, I remember begging Quincy to snuggle with me, to trust me, to love me. I had an idea of what that would look like and feel like and Quincy had other plans. It just broke my heart that he wouldn’t react to me as I expected. When I finally started really paying attention to him and letting us work out our own personal relationship between just the two of us, is when that wall started coming down. It took patience and focus but we are tight now. What I have are two dogs with completely different personalities and interests and I’ve built two entirely different relationships with them.

Josh and Joey are both in that stage with the dogs of desperately wanting the love and trust that they see Cooper and Quincy have with me. Josh will follow Cooper around saying “I just want to pet you. Please stop so I can pet you” while he’s frightening Cooper so Cooper keeps going. Joey often acts like he doesn’t care because he’s afraid of the rejection that is inevitable at first. Josh begs them to sleep with him at night and he’s baffled at why they won’t. I love when I see them all playing together. And it breaks my heart to watch the boys go through this confusing process, but I’m confident that they’ll get through it and they will all be inseparable friends.

As far as comparing Josh and Joey to Cooper and Quincy there are similarities all around. But my bigger point was in the feeling in my heart of wanting to get to the part where we feel comfortable and we feel love and we feel trust…the fear that we may not get there and the confidence that we will…the stubbornness that I won’t let a chewed up couch or the screaming of some very unpleasant words cause a permanent rift between us… the confusion when I can tell they are going through something and they can’t tell me what it is. Yet it really boils down to the fact that all three of us, or even all five of us, just want to be loved.

Raising A Charitable Heart

I hope to raise children with gracious, charitable, understanding, giving hearts. Yet I assume that's a hard target for parents who start raising their children at birth. In my case, I'm battling all previous guardians impressions on them...plus they have felt deprived, so giving is tough. They've had to look out for themselves and asking them to consider stranger's well-being is asking so much. I've got years to get there and I can try to be patient. But, I want to start laying the seeds now that can grow later.

They came to me with tons of toys...many broken or outgrown. I put a bin outside their room and told them to put any toys or clothes that they wanted to donate to charity in that bin. I explained early on that they would get new toys or clothes to replace the ones donated...not necessarily one to one, but that was the way to get new. Joey immediately caught on and put all of his clothes that didn't fit anymore in the bin...all of his old, dirty socks went in and most of his broken toys. He tried to help Josh understand, but Josh had no interest in giving anything away.

I know that the best way to instill generosity is to lead by example. They’ve seen me take 2 large garbage bags of clothes and such to Goodwill. And they watched me buy a new purse and go home and take 2 old purses out of my closet and put them in the charity bin. I’m certain they are storing those kinds of things away and thinking about them later.

One day, I held up a tiny shirt and asked Josh if he can still wear it. He said no, but he wanted to keep it because he liked it. I asked what he liked about it wondering if there was some particularly sentimental memory associated with the shirt. He just thought it was cool. When I told him we can’t keep everything that we used to love to wear but doesn’t fit anymore, he said okay then I could get rid of it.

All of Josh’s socks and underwear are way too big for him. The socks make putting on his shoes very difficult. I went to Kohl’s to make sure that smaller ones existed and then I asked him if he’d like some socks that fit him so he could get his foot in his shoe. Yes, please! So, I bought him a bunch of new socks and about 20 pairs of larger socks went in the charity bin. I know he’ll eventually grow into them. But he’s been wearing them, so they aren’t new and we can buy new when his feet grow. I also bought him a really long shoe horn that looks like a snake so he can get his shoes on much more easily now. He loves his shoe horn!!

Back to giving…each week when they get their allowance, they divvy it up into 3 brightly colored envelopes. Give, Save and Spend. A minimum of $1 must go into Give and Save, but where the rest of the money goes is their choice. For 4 weeks now, $1 has gone into Give and all of the rest has gone into Save. If anything was in the Spend envelopes, those would travel in the car with us in case they wanted to buy something on the fly. Within a few days of receiving the envelopes they asked if they could use their Give money to give things to each other. Sneaky, sneaky! Made me smile that they had worked that out on their own…but no. Give money isn’t for gifts; it’s for charity. Once we amass more than a few dollars, I’ll start giving them ideas of what we might do with our Give money. I think I’ll come up with 3 or 4 ideas and let them pick one each. Then we can work out when we should donate it and I’ll make a big deal out of that.

When I received a new picture of one of the kids I sponsor with World Vision, I sat down with Josh and Joey and explained who he is and what is circumstance is and that we send him money every month to support him, his family and his community. They listened intently. When I was finished, Joey said, “Do I understand this right? You are sending our money to this guy?” I smiled and just said, “Yes.”

As far as service goes, I want to lead by example there too. They know I volunteer at the church on Sundays. I used to spend a great deal of my time in service in my community…every way I could imagine…Habitat For Humanity, local races and charity events, mission work, etc. It’s much harder to do these things as a single mom. I think it would be great if I could find a friend with a son who is around 10-12 years old and loves to do things like volunteer at the children’s hospital or visit veterans or something like that. If another child could explain how fulfilling it is to help someone else, I could really see that making an impression…at least on Joey. I don’t think Josh is mature enough yet to get it, but I could be wrong. Josh loves dogs…Maybe I should look into something with the SPCA or animal hospital. I’ve got to do some research. Maybe for Thanksgiving my whole family could go help at a soup kitchen in east Austin.

But mostly, I’ll just try to be patient and let God do His work.

A Hard Saturday

Last Saturday afternoon, Joey wanted to watch TV and he needed to be wearing his glasses. He didn't want to be wearing his glasses. Since they'd been patched, it's much harder for him to see. It had been 16 days since his last temper tantrum which is a great run. Plus, I'd expected to have some problems with getting him to wear the glasses, so his reaction that day really wasn't a big surprise.

He cried. He screamed. He refused to go to his room for a timeout. About an hour into the temper tantrum, he tried to use "leave me alone and let me calm down so I won't scream at you anymore" as a way to stay where he was and not go to timeout. I know this because Josh and I had already left him alone for almost 30 minutes to calm down, during which time he had actually fallen to sleep, and this was immediately following that period. But he's smart enough to try to use the tools he's been given to get his way. I gave him some more time and then asked him to go to his room for his timeout and he started screaming at me that I need to go to jail because I'm a bully. He got the phone to call the police to have me arrested because I'm a bully. I explained to him that if he feels scared or in danger he absolutely needed to call the police. But to be sure he really wanted to call them before he dialed. I explained that if he calls and hangs up they will still come to the house and he'll need to talk to them. Eventually, after about an hour and a half, he quietly walked to his room and did his timeouts. He also lost $2.50 of his allowance for last week during the episode. This is the first one where he didn't get physically violent at all. The rest was very similar to the other bouts. He spent a lot of time saying he wants to die and was going to kill himself. He tried to hold his breath to kill himself, but that didn't work, of course. He said "I'm so ugly no one wants to look at me" a lot. That's a new one. Calling me a bully is also a new one. I'm not okay with him screaming in my face. I need him to treat me with more respect than that, but I'm hoping that will come with time.

Josh also had a temper tantrum that night. His was because he didn't want to take a bath or brush his teeth. His was just crying at the top of his lungs and punching his bed. He eventually fell asleep on top of his comforter in his clothes without having bathed or brushed his teeth. He had made me a picture earlier in the day while Joey was acting up and given it me saying he loves me and not to worry, that if Joey calls the police he'll tell them the truth. During his own temper tantrum, he told me he wanted his picture back. I gave it to him in the morning. Josh does this a lot. I'm thinking I might have been better off refusing to give it back to him, but I'm not sure about that. I asked him to take his bath in the morning and he did. Josh has been snippy and pushing all boundaries for 5 or 6 days now. It looks like he is trying everything to get into trouble. If I ask him to bring me his dishes, for example, he'll look at me, raise his chin and say NO. Classic defiance. I'm just planning on trying to wait this out.

Two days later, Josh came to me with the picture and held it up. He said, "I'm sorry about what I did the other night and I want you to have this." I thanked him, gave him a hug and told him I love him. Then I put the picture back on the refrigeration door.

Amblyopia

Josh was diagnosed with Amblyopia on August 19, 2009. Amblyopia, also commonly called Lazy Eye, is a condition where one eye's vision is much stronger than the other causing the weaker eye to fail to continue to develop. The brain relies on the image received from the stronger eye. If the condition is identified at an early age the common treatment is to patch the good eye forcing the weaker eye to get back in the game. With patching the expectations of improvement are high. Getting this diagnosis had positive and negative sides. On the plus side, this helps to explain some of Joey's coordination problems and difficulty riding a bike, for example. On the minus side, he'd arrived in a new family, in a new house, in a new city, about to start a new school and meet all new friends...and we were talking about effectively blinding him...for his own good. Ouch!

The doctor prescribed glasses and set another appointment in 5 weeks. If Joey's eyesight in his left eye had not improved in that 5 weeks merely by having the assistance of the glasses, then we would discuss patching. Joey took this news very maturely. I read the information on WebMD to him to help him understand. He said that he didn't like it but he would do what he needed to do.

Five weeks later, on September 23rd, Joey's vision had not improved and the doctor put a patch on his glasses over the right eye to blur his vision. Again, Joey reacted well. The doctor gave him 2 exercises to do each evening: color within the lines for 10 minutes, then fill in the o's on newspaper print for 10 minutes. When he first walked out of the doctor's office, he had to hold my arm because he really couldn't see. We went to the grocery store on the way home and, when we left the grocery store, he walked to the car, opened the door and got in without any hessitation. He said to me, "It's working. I can already see better."

We've had some battles throughout the last week when he thought the exercises were too hard, but he's completed them most days. This afternoon we go back to the eye doctor to see if he's had any improvement with the patch. Fingers crossed!

Joey's First Girlfriend

Monday, driving home from daycare, Joey informed me that Isabella was now his girlfriend. When I asked what that meant to him, he explained that it means that she LIKES him more that the other boys and he LIKES her more than the other girls. He told me that he’s wanted a girlfriend his whole life. When I asked him why, he told me that he wanted to know what it felt like.

I asked, “How does it feel?” He answered, “It feels good. I’m happy.”

Evidently he had asked her to be his girlfriend about 50 times and she finally said she would give him one chance, but if he blew it he would get no more changes. She told him to bring her chocolate. He didn’t ask me to get him chocolate to give to her. Josh suggested he give her some of the chocolate that Grandma had given him and Joey’s response was “It wouldn’t be right to give away something Grandma gave to me.” (That’s impressive!)

The next night Josh asked Joey what he was going to do about giving Isabella chocolate. I was in the kitchen making dinner, so I was far enough away to mind my own business, but close enough to overhear and they knew I could hear them. Joey said “Maybe Mom can make her cookies, but I don’t know if Mom knows how to make cookies.” That made me giggle. Josh said, “Ask her.” When Joey asked I said that I do know how to make cookies, but she hadn’t asked me to make her cookies, she wants Joey to do something for her. He suggested that he could make her cookies and I could help him. I told him we could definitely do that over the weekend.

The next day, on the way home from daycare, Joey tells me that Isabella broke up with him. Josh said that it was because Joey hadn’t brought chocolate. Joey said no, she had broken up with him because he kept following her around everywhere telling her that he would never find a good of a girlfriend as she. She said she felt stalked. Awww, man. Josh was cheering. He doesn’t want Joey to have a girlfriend. Joey bounced back from it within a few minutes.

Note to self: Figure out how to help Joey be just a little less needy with girls before he gets old enough that it actually matters.

Discipline

Lots of discipline strategies have been introduced and recommended to me over the last few months. I’ve read books, listened to audio books, interviewed friends and family, taken all of the PRIDE adoption classes from Pathways, my adoption agency, and, of course, become a religious watcher of Supernanny. I don’t fully agree or disagree with any of these methods. My strategy was to educate myself and create a hybrid strategy of my own that includes all of the things that sound like they may work with my kids.

“Parenting with Love & Logic”, by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, encourages giving children choices and letting them live with the consequences when they make a bad choice. “1-2-3 Magic”, by Thomas W. Phelan, says that is treating children like mini-adults and expecting them to be more mature than most of them are. Instead, it encourages extreme consistency with counting for bad behavior you want stopped and rewards or the use of timers for good behaviors you want started. PRIDE training establishes rules to dictate what consequences and rewards can and cannot be used with foster children. So far I’ve landed on a combination of counting and the use of a timer along with timeouts, docking their allowance and rewards.

I refuse to bribe my kids to behave. For example, you’ll never hear me say something like “If you behave in the grocery store, you can have a candy bar.” On the other hand, you might hear me make a deal that if they don’t get counted to 3 for an entire 24 hour period, I will return the map rug they lost by being counted to 3 the previous evening. How do those things differ? I guess they really don’t. But I see one as bribery and the other as earning something back. It’s also possible to reword something I commonly say “If you don’t eat your dinner, you won’t get snack” as “If you eat dinner, I’ll give you snack” which sounds much more like a bribe. Hmm…Maybe I need to stop saying I won’t bribe my kids to behave. In any case, misbehaving will never get them anything positive. That’s for sure.

During the first week that I had them, Josh and Joey fought in the car constantly. I asked one of our case managers what to do and she told me to pull over to the side of the road and tell them that it’s not safe for me to drive with them hitting and screaming and that we will continue to drive when they are finished. I had the opportunity to try this the very next day. During that first week, I had taken vacation from work, so we didn’t have anywhere we needed to be at any particular time. I had all the time in the world to wait. When I pulled over, one of them asked what I was doing. I made the speech and then I opened my novel and started to read. Ok, I pretended to read because I didn’t yet have the ability to completely tune them out. They each tried to explain to me why the other was wrong and I didn’t respond. It only took about 2 minutes until they were quiet and then told me they were ready to go. I did this two more times that week and I haven’t had to do it since. They haven’t even started to bicker in the car. It’s like it was a habit they were trying to start and, when I put a stop to it so abruptly, they just let it go. Thank God for good advice!!

Joey started out having some pretty big temper tantrums. I don’t know how big they were, but they were bigger than I was prepared for at the time. They had all the elements of testing that I’d been prepared for in PRIDE, but the reality of it is harder to handle than I’d thought it would be.

Joey’s Temper Tantrum #1: We were headed to the grocery store to buy corn dogs for dinner as a treat after a good day. They started fighting in the car and I asked them to stop or I would turn towards home and we wouldn’t go to the store. They didn’t stop after being asked numerous times, so I turned back home. After turning back home, they stopped. Joey felt that should be good enough. I felt that I had to stick to my word and continue towards home. After all, they hadn’t stopped until after I proved that I would turn around. (This was obviously before they stopped fighting in the car.) Once we got home, Joey wouldn’t get out of the car…he started trying to destroy the car…he cried loudly…and screamed at me that I “suck as a mother”. He then threatened to run away from home, begged to go back to his foster home and screamed “everyone hates me, no one loves me, I never get anything!!!” This is all textbook testing and not at all unique, but I hadn’t read that yet and it all hurt me deeply. I’m a very strong person and I’m more stubborn than anyone I know. No, I’m not boasting about that…but it’s helping me in these situations. I didn’t let Joey know he was getting to me until his temper tantrum was over. After about an hour of verbal battling, Joey was sitting on the floor of the garage next to the garage door with it raised about 2 feet. He was threatening to run away from home. I told him that I was making dinner for Josh. I told him that if he chose to leave, I would have to call the police because he wouldn’t be safe out there but I couldn’t follow him because I also had to keep Josh safe. I knew that he assumed I would follow him. Once he heard that I wouldn’t and why, I could visibly see him begin to rethink his position. After 15 minutes of just sitting there, he stood up, walked inside and asked what was for dinner. It amazes me how quickly he can get mad and how quickly he can let it go. I just don’t recover that easily.

Joey’s Temper Tantrum #2 resulted in my having to restrain him. That comes with all kinds of reporting requirements from the agencies and the state. For that reason, I documented the entire experience immediately following. That’s the reason I have so many details to include here.

On a Saturday morning, we planned to go to Brushy Creek Park to meet Kraig, Shelley, Piper and Devin. Before we left to go to the sprinkler park, I reminded them that they needed to get along or we would have to leave. I told them the first time one of them hurt the other or cried we’d have to leave. I had been told by the Case Managers to see these things as the first sign of a problem.

At the park, we parked and got out. We went to the sprinkler area. They walked off to play. Within a minute, Joey was back to me saying the water was cold. There were lots of kids there playing and their parents were mostly around the edges watching. Josh found someone’s buckets to play with. I started talking to a lady standing there about how the water is turned on. Josh and Joey came running up to me. The next thing I knew, they were splashing water all over someone’s bag that was set to the side. They were fighting and water was flying. Then they were both in front of me whining and pushing each other. Joey was holding his lip and said that Josh had hit him in the lip with the bucket. They started fighting. I told them to stop. They stopped and I asked Josh to apologize to Joey. Josh said no and sat down with his arms crossed over his chest. I said, ok then we’ll have to leave. I had told them that if they started this stuff we would have to leave and now I had to follow through with what I’d said. Joey started whining that he had wanted to meet Kraig and Shelley. I reminded him that I’d said they had to get along or we would leave. When we got to the car, I got towels out to dry them off. Josh let me dry him and he got in the car. Joey wouldn’t dry off and said he wasn’t leaving. He got that stubborn look in his eyes and I could tell he was going to go into his full temper tantrum. He got in the car with his wet bathing suit and refused to sit on a towel. I think he thinks that hurting the car hurts me. I got in the car. Josh buckled his seatbelt but Joey refused to buckle his seatbelt. I waited and he opened his door. I got out and closed his door. Then he opened Josh’s door. Josh pulled it closed. Joey opened his own door again. I turned around and asked him if this behavior ever got him what he wanted. He kept whining that he’d just wanted to meet Kraig and Shelley and now I was saying we had to leave and that isn’t right. I reminded him again that I’d said we would leave if they started arguing.

Then I thought he might buckle his seatbelt if I started driving. The opposite proved to be the case. I pulled out of the parking place and started driving slowly. Joey opened his door. I reached back and pulled it close and he opened it again. So, I pulled over about 50 yards from where we’d been parked and still in the parking lot. His door was open again. When I got out to shut his door again, he climbed over the seat into the front passenger seat and opened that door. He picked up the Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons in that door and held them up to me threatening to throw them out the door. I didn’t react at all, so he threw them out onto the ground. I went around and picked them up and said that we don’t litter. I put them back in the door and closed the door. When I’d been picking them up, Joey was climbing back to his seat on the driver’s side of the backseat. He opened his door again. I walked back around the car and we did that whole thing again…once Joey had thrown them out again, I went back around and picked them up, then I put them into my bag instead of back into the door. Then I just stood in the doorway of the front seat passenger side. He started crawling over the seat to get the coupons out of my bag. I took my bag out and put in on the ground outside the car myself. I put my purse out there too. Joey then laughed which was pretty spooky to me coming out of such anger.

Joey got out of the car and shut his door. He walked into the middle of the driveway and stood with his arms crossed blocking the way for cars. He was searching for ways to make me respond. When the first car came around, it slowly pulled around him. Because of where we were, I knew no one could accidently hit him and not see him. So, I didn’t go after him. The second car slowly pulled around him. The third one just stopped. After a long 5 seconds, Joey walked back to the car and leaned against the car allowing the passing car to move on. I thank all three of those families for understanding what we were going through. During all of this time, I was talking to Josh in the car. I told him I was sorry we were having to sit here in the car in the heat, but I reminded him that he had started the problem in the sprinkler park by hitting Joey in the face with the bucket and not saying he was sorry.

Joey opened his door and I had a glimmer of hope, but then he picked up the neck pillow and threatened to throw it at the next car that came by. He said he would throw it under their tires as the car came by. I could picture the panic of the driver not knowing what they’d run over, so I came back around the car and told him to get in the car. He said no. The anger in his eyes made him look like he was about to explode. I took the pillow away from him by force. He then called me a bastard. I told him I couldn’t be a bastard because I’m a girl. I shouldn’t have said anything at all, for lots of reasons, not the least of which was that what I’d said wasn’t even true, but was certainly unnecessary. Then he called me an A-S-S and I didn’t react. He started pulling the seal off of the car door frame. I tried to get between him and the seal, but that didn’t really work. He then spelled F-U-C-K. I said that spells fuck and he said “I know” and I said “me too”. Josh then pipes up and says “what are ya’ll doing spelling I thought you were fighting”. That made Joey laugh again, but stopped the spelling of dirty words. I shouldn’t have engaged in that conversation at all. I told him to get in the car so we could go home and he said no. Then he bit my left hand. I’m fully aware that I’m not handling this well. If I’d been handling it well, it would probably be over. But I have no idea what else to do. The result is that Joey is leading this dance and I’m following with no idea how to take the lead back…all the while trying not to let him know he’s leading.

He started hitting me in the arms, shoulders and chest. Then he leaned back and started kicking me hard in the stomach. That’s when I turned him around and put him in a restraint hold. We were outside the car at this point, but right next to the car and yet in the driveway. Joey struggled and screamed for help and cried and fought, but nothing got him out of the hold. No one was coming to help him. His legs gave way so I sat him down on the pavement and I leaned down and held him. The whole time I was holding him, I was also hugging him and telling him that I love him. As he screamed for help, I told him I was helping him. He was struggling to get away with all of his might. He bit my right hand and broke the skin…this one hurt. I’m not sure, but I think I held him for about 10 minutes or so. As he weakened, I told him that when he stopped fighting me I would let him go. He continued to fight for maybe another minute or two, then he seemed to stop. I slowly let him go, ready for him to start hitting me again and my needing to put him in the hold again. He didn’t, so I let him just sit on the pavement. He started to breath heavy like he might hyper-ventilate, but didn’t. Then he started to gag like he might throw-up, but didn’t. He leaned against the tire and just sat there looking around. I recognize this part from Tuesday and knew this would take some time but that he was giving in. I didn’t say a word. After about 10 minutes, Josh leaned over and said “Joey, can we go home now?” Joey didn’t respond. I opened my door, got in, started the car and shut my door. Joey said “You can’t leave me here.” I asked if he was sure. He said that would be child abuse, but might be good for him because then he could just play in the water sprinklers. I told him he wouldn’t be safe in the park alone. He got in the car, but still wouldn’t put on his seatbelt. I picked up my book and started to read. Every five minutes I said, Joey put on your seatbelt. About 15 minutes later, Joey said “I’ll only put it on if Josh asks me to.” Josh asked him to please put on his seatbelt and Joey said ok and did. Josh then said “And next time I’ll say I’m sorry.”

Once we were home, I was making lunch and Joey came in the kitchen. I told him to leave the kitchen and I would call when lunch was ready. He turned and walked away saying “I don’t know what’s wrong with her?” I said “Really? You don’t?” He said, “Yes I do, but I just wanted to tell you something.” I told him I didn’t want to hear it.

It was after this second temper tantrum that I learned that my participation in the conversations was exacerbating the problem. Every time I answered him or responded in any way, it fueled his fire. That’s when I learned about keeping my mouth shut and my emotions out of the way. Ok, I learned what I should do, but that doesn’t mean I’ve been perfect at doing it every time. Each time Joey starts to go into one of these episodes, I find myself getting sucked in. But so far I’ve been catching myself and staying silent until he works his way out of it. This strategy has caused the tantrums to become shorter and has made them easier for me to handle.

Joey’s Temper Tantrum #3 was in the morning before school. I still have no idea what started this one…could have been a bad dream, just waking up in a bad mood, or something at school that he didn’t want to do…who knows. I don’t even think Joey knew. The previous evening I had stayed up late filling out a form for school for his fundraiser that would earn Josh and him each a glow in the dark alien that grows when you put him in water. I thought he would be grateful that I’d done that because he really wanted the alien. I was having trouble getting him moving in the morning and he was very late getting to the breakfast table. Breakfast that day was an Eggo, which he loves, so I know this problem didn’t directly relate to breakfast. Instead of eating he went to lie on the coach and cry. I told him to go upstairs and get dressed and he could finish his breakfast on the way to school, but that we needed to get moving or they would both be late for school. “I don’t want to eat in the car because I’ll get the car messy.” Ok, then hurry and get dressed and maybe you can eat it quickly before we get in the car. Crying…but he went upstairs and got dressed. Then he scarfed down the Eggo and got in the car. About halfway to school he realized he hadn’t brushed his teeth and started screaming that I didn’t let him brush his teeth. He insisted that he wouldn’t get out of the car because he would have bad breath and the kids would all make fun of him. At least we were in the car so I was able to get Josh to school on time. When we got there, Joey refused to get out of the car. I told him that I wouldn’t give him the fundraiser form if he didn’t get out and go to class. He said I had to give it to him. He said I didn’t have any choice but to give it to him. He felt entitled, not grateful. I made a mental note to figure out how to work on his sense of entitlement in the future. I made the mistake of starting to drive back home. During the drive back home, I gave him the option of losing the use of the Wii and brushing his teeth or getting to keep the Wii…yes, I meant forever, not just temporarily. Josh doesn’t care about the Wii, so I felt comfortable using the game as a whole. He just said that he needed to brush his teeth. Once back at the school after having brushed his teeth he still wouldn’t get out of the car. I parked in the lot and started reading a book. He sat there for over 30 minutes going through every strategy he could come up with…(1) Badgering, he kept repeating that he had just needed to brush his teeth and now I’d taken away his alien and the Wii and how unfair that was; (2) Martyr, no one loves him, he never gets anything and now Josh would have an alien and he wouldn’t and how unfair that was; (3) Treats, he was going to make me pay by staying in the car until after lunch and getting me fired from my job; (4) Tantrums, tearless crying and screaming; (5) Violence, kicking the back of my seat, kicking the air vents, punching the middle armrest. Nothing seemed to work. I wasn’t backing down. Finally I told him he had 3 minutes to get out of the car and go to class or he would lose his new Longhorns jersey. At 3 minutes and 10 seconds he got out of the car. We both pretended he’d made it in 3 minutes. At that point he offered to trade me the Longhorns jersey for the form that would get him the alien. Wow…I consider that a really bad deal on his part, but then again I’m a big Longhorns fan. I agreed and gave him the form. We checked him in at the school office and he moped off to class. In the past hour, he’d lost the Wii, all of his accumulated allowance for the week and his Longhorns jersey. Bad morning. I went home and packed up the Wii. I still had the receipts for his jersey and it still had tags on it. Both were gone from the house before he came home that night. On the way home from daycare, Josh mentioned playing the Wii and I said “We don’t have a Wii anymore.” Josh said “What?” and Joey said “Remember I lost it this morning.” Oh. So they had discussed it and Joey was resigned to his consequences. I think Josh only brought it up because he was trying to find out if I’d really done what I’d said I would do. I’ve recently told them that they may be able to earn the Wii back someday, but I didn’t know how yet.

Josh’s temper tantrums are much more like every kid’s. When Josh is in a bad mood, he whines and cries easily. He’s a textbook introvert, so he clams up and refuses to talk. This gets under my skin much more than Joey’s strategies because it totally leaves me guessing. Well, that and the fact that Josh is exactly like me and I wouldn’t have known how to handle me as a kid either. Josh is extremely stubborn and has no interest in letting me know he cares what I think. There isn’t much I can share here as Josh’s temper tantrums sound like this…”Josh, please get dressed.” Silence. “Josh, you need to get dressed.” Silence. “Josh, are you listening to me.” Crying. “What’s wrong?” More crying. No words. I can continue asking questions, but I won’t get any information. He’ll just eventually get tired of crying and get dressed.

One of the guys at my office suggested I read “Magic 1-2-3”. He uses this strategy to discipline his kids. I read it and started to incorporate some of the counting into my discipline techniques. The book also has a companion book for the kids to read. That one introduces the concept to the kids with all of the reasons it’s good for the entire family. Joey read the book and, surprisingly, loves the idea. He is all about knowing what’s coming next. So, when I say “That’s 1” he has a full understanding of what will happen next. The book also explains that, even if he believes he shouldn’t be counted, the counting will continue if he doesn’t change his behavior. Since he’s read the book, every time I say “That’s 1” he has immediately stopped crying or refusing to brush his teeth or teasing Josh or whatever. Maybe it is magic.

I know we will continue to have tantrums, but the more we know each other and trust each other, the easier they will be. I really can’t wait for a year from now when every single thing we do isn’t new to us.

Flag Football

One of the things I imagined when I considered adopting was the idea of them playing sports. I've always really wanted to have to juggle various sports and buy all the gear and attend all the games and cheer them on! I didn't have one specific sport that I wanted them to be interested in...could be soccer, football, baseball, karate, tennis, whatever. On the first day that I met Josh and Joey, Joey said he wanted to play flag football. I told him that I'd look into it and find a place he could play. When I asked around, Upwards was suggested to me. Upwards is a local church flag football program. The literature promised fair play time, patient coaches and spiritual guidance. I was concerned that Joey is 8 and hadn't played before. I didn't want to have him join a more competitive league and never get to play or learn.

We went to Evaluations to let the coaches get to know the players skills and divide them properly into teams. That's where I found out that Joey has a great throwing arm, but he isn't such a great catcher. That's what Josh said, "Joe's not a great catcher" and that proved to be true. After we left the Evals that night, we were headed to swim lessons at Lifetime. In the car, Joey asked me why they had talked about prayer and the Bible. I explained that Upwards is a church league on a church's property. He started to cry and said "I don't want to play in a stupid Christian football league." "Why did you sign my up for a stupid church league." "When I tell my friends I play flag football, they'll make fun of me for not playing real football." It went on and on and on. This was particularly confusing to me as Joey loves to go to church each Sunday. He looks forward to it all week. He gets up easily on Sunday mornings and loves to tell me what he learned after church. He fully participates in saying Grace at mealtime and bedtime prayers at night. Honestly, this took me by surprise. I wondered at the time if he'd been disappointed in his performance at the Evals or if it had been harder than he expected, so he might have been using this as a decoy issue. At swim lessons he wouldn't get out of the car and just wanted to lay on the backseat and cry. Finally Josh told him that he needed to use the bathroom, so Joey stopped and we went into Lifetime to swim lessons. Always interesting what can make him stop. Two days later he was talking about how excited he was to play flag football. When I asked about it being a church league, he said "Yeah, I'm over that."

Registration for Upwards is down this season, maybe because of the economy, so fewer players are signed up. They decided that instead of splitting the players onto teams for the entire season, the teams would change each week. They will practice one Monday prior to the first Saturday and then for 1 hour on Saturday's before their games. Practice at 9am and the game at 10am. This is good and bad news. The good news is that I get Monday nights back. The bad news is that I thought Joey was getting 2 days of exercise. Oh well. The one Monday night practice went well. He didn't catch many balls, but he threw well and tried really hard. When I suggested to Joey that he might have an easier time catching the ball if he wore his glasses to play and then he could see it, he said he didn't want to wear his glasses and be a dork. He thought he didn't need them. It hasn't occured to him yet that people look dorkier not catching balls than they do wearing glasses. I've decided to let him come to that decision on his own.

After having an unforgettable drought this summer, Austin starts getting rain a few days before Joey's first game and we thought it might get rained out. Luckily the Upwards coaching staff were on the ball and moved the game into the gym. Football inside, you ask? Well...this is the first game for a bunch of kids most of whom have never played the sport before. They don't know about downs, lines of scrimmage, etc. The opportunity to run some plays, even without grass or punting, is fantastic! Meghan and Josh and I were Joey's cheering section. His team the first week was called the Cowboys. He sat out the first series and then got to be quarterback for his team's first offensive drive. He made more completions than anyone else. Many were to the other team, but they were completions nonetheless. The coaches stood right behind the quarterbacks and called the plays and told all the guys what to do. When a player has the ball and it running towards his goal, all the other boys just run along side. Most don't understand that they should be trying to pull the ball carrier's flag. When they would miraculously move the ball a few yards, they would all go back to the original line of scrimmage to line up. The coaches would call out to them and explain that they now need to line up at the new line of scrimmage. Can't help but start to wonder how and where I picked up my football knowledge. Obviously we all get taught sometime and this is these guys time. At the end of each game, the coaches give out stickers for their flags. This first week, Joey earned a blue star that represents Effort. He's so psyched up and can't wait for the next game.

That week, we took the football to the park almost every day. Joey and I threw it back and forth. We talked about watching the ball all the way into his hands. We talked about moving his feet to get to wherever the ball is. But mostly we just threw back and forth. The longer we'd practice the better he got. Maybe it's a good thing that practice is the hour before the game. Perhaps a long warm-up is exactly what Joey needs.

Yesterday was Joey's second game and his first outside. He says this was his first "real" game because it was outside and he got to wear his cleats and they had yardage markers. During last week we had gone to Academy and purchased cleats and a mouthguard. Earlier that day he had asked about looking for one of those things that go around the back of your head and hold your glasses on during sports. Ha!! I had waited long enough. He'd already decided that it might help him to be able to see better during play. We found an orange eyeglass tie that is sure to keep his glasses secure. During game two, Joey played even better than the first one. He pulled the flag of the best player during the first run of the game. He was always right in the action, but rarely in the huddle. As his team was on offense and in a huddle between plays, Joey always seemed to wander to the line of scrimmage and the refs would say "Joey, get back there and find out what the play is" or "Get on into the huddle Joey". He ran much faster and looked much more coordinated and comfortable which had to be the cleats. For this game, his cheering squad was Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Chris, Meghan, Josh, Sparkie, Charlie and I. He often seemed more interested in whether we were watching him than in playing the game. The coach gave him a Gold Star sticker this game for Sportsmanship. I love Joey's enthusiasm and optimism and patience and teamwork! And Joey is absolutely loving flag football!!