The Foster Mom

Some foster moms get so attached to their foster kids that they can make the transition to an adoptive home more difficult than it could be. I doubt if they understand that they are making it harder on the kids. They just get so emotionally involved that they lose sight of wanting the best for the kids. How do I know this? I guess I don’t really. I went to a class given by CPS for foster parents on transitioning children out of the home. I went to get an idea of the other side of the transaction and what I might be able to do to make it all easier. They talked to the foster parents a great deal about not getting in the way. Also, I’ve read a lot of books on the subject of adopting and they all seem to mention that how comfortable the foster parents are with you will make a big difference in your success during transition.

My kids’ foster mom was fantastic! She loves the boys and yet never lost sight of what they needed, which was a forever family. She promised them that she was looking out for them and wouldn’t agree to let them come to a home that wouldn’t be good for them. But she didn’t set her standards so high that I couldn’t meet them. She is running the home as a single mom which I feel helped my kids understand coming into my home. They told her that if she could do it, I probably could too. They had been in her home for 20 months and during most of that time they called her Mom. Before they met me for the first time, she told them that they needed to prepare for me to be their forever mom and to call me Mom. She suggested they could start calling her Mimi to reduce the confusion. How cool is that??? She really prepared them to come to me with less fear by talking through their concerns and assuring them that I was the perfect Mom for them.

I met her for the first time at the Presentation Staffing on July 23rd. The Presentation Staffing is a meeting with the kids’ caseworkers, lawyer and foster parents along with me and my case managers. The idea is for me to get any information that isn’t formally in the file. In some cases, I’ve heard this can be pretty heavy stuff. For me, I got to ask what they like to eat, when they go to bed, what they thought of being adopted, etc. Sharon, the foster mom, talked and talked and I soaked it all up. After an hour, the caseworkers had another appointment, so Sharon and I went to lunch.

She told me story after story. It was a bit overwhelming. I couldn’t get a word in, but then again it was important for me to be quiet and listen. I will soon go back and write a detailed blog about that weekend in San Antonio when it feels like my life with Josh and Joey first started. But for now, the important thing is what a gift Sharon has been. She boosted my confidence and she gave them every assurance that coming with me was the right thing for them. She gave them the impression that they would be asked if they wanted to come with me. I’m not sure what the age is when children begin to have a say in the matter, but I didn’t have the impression that it was 6 or 8. On the other hand, if they had vehemently refused to come, they would have been heard. As it was, they felt like they had some power over their own lives and, I think, came to me more enthusiastically because they didn’t feel forced.

Sharon told the boys that they would talk on the phone and write letters and even try to get together when possible in the future. She assured them that they weren’t saying goodbye forever. Josh and Joey sent her and the other foster brothers’ letters first, then we got letters back. When we sent letters again, we didn’t get anything back for quite a while. We started out talking to Mimi and the other boys each Sunday night, then weeks would be by and finally it’s been 6 weeks since they’ve asked to call. Each time Joey goes to the mailbox with me, he talks about hoping there are letters from Mimi, and there aren’t…but he gets over that pretty quickly. I think Sharon knew things would progress exactly like they have and I think she’s letting them go. She and I talked enough that I know this has been hard for her to do. She became extremely attached to Josh and Joey. But she’s doing it for them. She knows that holding on to tightly to that home will prevent them from attaching as much to this one. I thank God for how much she helped all of us every time I think of her.