Discipline

Lots of discipline strategies have been introduced and recommended to me over the last few months. I’ve read books, listened to audio books, interviewed friends and family, taken all of the PRIDE adoption classes from Pathways, my adoption agency, and, of course, become a religious watcher of Supernanny. I don’t fully agree or disagree with any of these methods. My strategy was to educate myself and create a hybrid strategy of my own that includes all of the things that sound like they may work with my kids.

“Parenting with Love & Logic”, by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, encourages giving children choices and letting them live with the consequences when they make a bad choice. “1-2-3 Magic”, by Thomas W. Phelan, says that is treating children like mini-adults and expecting them to be more mature than most of them are. Instead, it encourages extreme consistency with counting for bad behavior you want stopped and rewards or the use of timers for good behaviors you want started. PRIDE training establishes rules to dictate what consequences and rewards can and cannot be used with foster children. So far I’ve landed on a combination of counting and the use of a timer along with timeouts, docking their allowance and rewards.

I refuse to bribe my kids to behave. For example, you’ll never hear me say something like “If you behave in the grocery store, you can have a candy bar.” On the other hand, you might hear me make a deal that if they don’t get counted to 3 for an entire 24 hour period, I will return the map rug they lost by being counted to 3 the previous evening. How do those things differ? I guess they really don’t. But I see one as bribery and the other as earning something back. It’s also possible to reword something I commonly say “If you don’t eat your dinner, you won’t get snack” as “If you eat dinner, I’ll give you snack” which sounds much more like a bribe. Hmm…Maybe I need to stop saying I won’t bribe my kids to behave. In any case, misbehaving will never get them anything positive. That’s for sure.

During the first week that I had them, Josh and Joey fought in the car constantly. I asked one of our case managers what to do and she told me to pull over to the side of the road and tell them that it’s not safe for me to drive with them hitting and screaming and that we will continue to drive when they are finished. I had the opportunity to try this the very next day. During that first week, I had taken vacation from work, so we didn’t have anywhere we needed to be at any particular time. I had all the time in the world to wait. When I pulled over, one of them asked what I was doing. I made the speech and then I opened my novel and started to read. Ok, I pretended to read because I didn’t yet have the ability to completely tune them out. They each tried to explain to me why the other was wrong and I didn’t respond. It only took about 2 minutes until they were quiet and then told me they were ready to go. I did this two more times that week and I haven’t had to do it since. They haven’t even started to bicker in the car. It’s like it was a habit they were trying to start and, when I put a stop to it so abruptly, they just let it go. Thank God for good advice!!

Joey started out having some pretty big temper tantrums. I don’t know how big they were, but they were bigger than I was prepared for at the time. They had all the elements of testing that I’d been prepared for in PRIDE, but the reality of it is harder to handle than I’d thought it would be.

Joey’s Temper Tantrum #1: We were headed to the grocery store to buy corn dogs for dinner as a treat after a good day. They started fighting in the car and I asked them to stop or I would turn towards home and we wouldn’t go to the store. They didn’t stop after being asked numerous times, so I turned back home. After turning back home, they stopped. Joey felt that should be good enough. I felt that I had to stick to my word and continue towards home. After all, they hadn’t stopped until after I proved that I would turn around. (This was obviously before they stopped fighting in the car.) Once we got home, Joey wouldn’t get out of the car…he started trying to destroy the car…he cried loudly…and screamed at me that I “suck as a mother”. He then threatened to run away from home, begged to go back to his foster home and screamed “everyone hates me, no one loves me, I never get anything!!!” This is all textbook testing and not at all unique, but I hadn’t read that yet and it all hurt me deeply. I’m a very strong person and I’m more stubborn than anyone I know. No, I’m not boasting about that…but it’s helping me in these situations. I didn’t let Joey know he was getting to me until his temper tantrum was over. After about an hour of verbal battling, Joey was sitting on the floor of the garage next to the garage door with it raised about 2 feet. He was threatening to run away from home. I told him that I was making dinner for Josh. I told him that if he chose to leave, I would have to call the police because he wouldn’t be safe out there but I couldn’t follow him because I also had to keep Josh safe. I knew that he assumed I would follow him. Once he heard that I wouldn’t and why, I could visibly see him begin to rethink his position. After 15 minutes of just sitting there, he stood up, walked inside and asked what was for dinner. It amazes me how quickly he can get mad and how quickly he can let it go. I just don’t recover that easily.

Joey’s Temper Tantrum #2 resulted in my having to restrain him. That comes with all kinds of reporting requirements from the agencies and the state. For that reason, I documented the entire experience immediately following. That’s the reason I have so many details to include here.

On a Saturday morning, we planned to go to Brushy Creek Park to meet Kraig, Shelley, Piper and Devin. Before we left to go to the sprinkler park, I reminded them that they needed to get along or we would have to leave. I told them the first time one of them hurt the other or cried we’d have to leave. I had been told by the Case Managers to see these things as the first sign of a problem.

At the park, we parked and got out. We went to the sprinkler area. They walked off to play. Within a minute, Joey was back to me saying the water was cold. There were lots of kids there playing and their parents were mostly around the edges watching. Josh found someone’s buckets to play with. I started talking to a lady standing there about how the water is turned on. Josh and Joey came running up to me. The next thing I knew, they were splashing water all over someone’s bag that was set to the side. They were fighting and water was flying. Then they were both in front of me whining and pushing each other. Joey was holding his lip and said that Josh had hit him in the lip with the bucket. They started fighting. I told them to stop. They stopped and I asked Josh to apologize to Joey. Josh said no and sat down with his arms crossed over his chest. I said, ok then we’ll have to leave. I had told them that if they started this stuff we would have to leave and now I had to follow through with what I’d said. Joey started whining that he had wanted to meet Kraig and Shelley. I reminded him that I’d said they had to get along or we would leave. When we got to the car, I got towels out to dry them off. Josh let me dry him and he got in the car. Joey wouldn’t dry off and said he wasn’t leaving. He got that stubborn look in his eyes and I could tell he was going to go into his full temper tantrum. He got in the car with his wet bathing suit and refused to sit on a towel. I think he thinks that hurting the car hurts me. I got in the car. Josh buckled his seatbelt but Joey refused to buckle his seatbelt. I waited and he opened his door. I got out and closed his door. Then he opened Josh’s door. Josh pulled it closed. Joey opened his own door again. I turned around and asked him if this behavior ever got him what he wanted. He kept whining that he’d just wanted to meet Kraig and Shelley and now I was saying we had to leave and that isn’t right. I reminded him again that I’d said we would leave if they started arguing.

Then I thought he might buckle his seatbelt if I started driving. The opposite proved to be the case. I pulled out of the parking place and started driving slowly. Joey opened his door. I reached back and pulled it close and he opened it again. So, I pulled over about 50 yards from where we’d been parked and still in the parking lot. His door was open again. When I got out to shut his door again, he climbed over the seat into the front passenger seat and opened that door. He picked up the Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons in that door and held them up to me threatening to throw them out the door. I didn’t react at all, so he threw them out onto the ground. I went around and picked them up and said that we don’t litter. I put them back in the door and closed the door. When I’d been picking them up, Joey was climbing back to his seat on the driver’s side of the backseat. He opened his door again. I walked back around the car and we did that whole thing again…once Joey had thrown them out again, I went back around and picked them up, then I put them into my bag instead of back into the door. Then I just stood in the doorway of the front seat passenger side. He started crawling over the seat to get the coupons out of my bag. I took my bag out and put in on the ground outside the car myself. I put my purse out there too. Joey then laughed which was pretty spooky to me coming out of such anger.

Joey got out of the car and shut his door. He walked into the middle of the driveway and stood with his arms crossed blocking the way for cars. He was searching for ways to make me respond. When the first car came around, it slowly pulled around him. Because of where we were, I knew no one could accidently hit him and not see him. So, I didn’t go after him. The second car slowly pulled around him. The third one just stopped. After a long 5 seconds, Joey walked back to the car and leaned against the car allowing the passing car to move on. I thank all three of those families for understanding what we were going through. During all of this time, I was talking to Josh in the car. I told him I was sorry we were having to sit here in the car in the heat, but I reminded him that he had started the problem in the sprinkler park by hitting Joey in the face with the bucket and not saying he was sorry.

Joey opened his door and I had a glimmer of hope, but then he picked up the neck pillow and threatened to throw it at the next car that came by. He said he would throw it under their tires as the car came by. I could picture the panic of the driver not knowing what they’d run over, so I came back around the car and told him to get in the car. He said no. The anger in his eyes made him look like he was about to explode. I took the pillow away from him by force. He then called me a bastard. I told him I couldn’t be a bastard because I’m a girl. I shouldn’t have said anything at all, for lots of reasons, not the least of which was that what I’d said wasn’t even true, but was certainly unnecessary. Then he called me an A-S-S and I didn’t react. He started pulling the seal off of the car door frame. I tried to get between him and the seal, but that didn’t really work. He then spelled F-U-C-K. I said that spells fuck and he said “I know” and I said “me too”. Josh then pipes up and says “what are ya’ll doing spelling I thought you were fighting”. That made Joey laugh again, but stopped the spelling of dirty words. I shouldn’t have engaged in that conversation at all. I told him to get in the car so we could go home and he said no. Then he bit my left hand. I’m fully aware that I’m not handling this well. If I’d been handling it well, it would probably be over. But I have no idea what else to do. The result is that Joey is leading this dance and I’m following with no idea how to take the lead back…all the while trying not to let him know he’s leading.

He started hitting me in the arms, shoulders and chest. Then he leaned back and started kicking me hard in the stomach. That’s when I turned him around and put him in a restraint hold. We were outside the car at this point, but right next to the car and yet in the driveway. Joey struggled and screamed for help and cried and fought, but nothing got him out of the hold. No one was coming to help him. His legs gave way so I sat him down on the pavement and I leaned down and held him. The whole time I was holding him, I was also hugging him and telling him that I love him. As he screamed for help, I told him I was helping him. He was struggling to get away with all of his might. He bit my right hand and broke the skin…this one hurt. I’m not sure, but I think I held him for about 10 minutes or so. As he weakened, I told him that when he stopped fighting me I would let him go. He continued to fight for maybe another minute or two, then he seemed to stop. I slowly let him go, ready for him to start hitting me again and my needing to put him in the hold again. He didn’t, so I let him just sit on the pavement. He started to breath heavy like he might hyper-ventilate, but didn’t. Then he started to gag like he might throw-up, but didn’t. He leaned against the tire and just sat there looking around. I recognize this part from Tuesday and knew this would take some time but that he was giving in. I didn’t say a word. After about 10 minutes, Josh leaned over and said “Joey, can we go home now?” Joey didn’t respond. I opened my door, got in, started the car and shut my door. Joey said “You can’t leave me here.” I asked if he was sure. He said that would be child abuse, but might be good for him because then he could just play in the water sprinklers. I told him he wouldn’t be safe in the park alone. He got in the car, but still wouldn’t put on his seatbelt. I picked up my book and started to read. Every five minutes I said, Joey put on your seatbelt. About 15 minutes later, Joey said “I’ll only put it on if Josh asks me to.” Josh asked him to please put on his seatbelt and Joey said ok and did. Josh then said “And next time I’ll say I’m sorry.”

Once we were home, I was making lunch and Joey came in the kitchen. I told him to leave the kitchen and I would call when lunch was ready. He turned and walked away saying “I don’t know what’s wrong with her?” I said “Really? You don’t?” He said, “Yes I do, but I just wanted to tell you something.” I told him I didn’t want to hear it.

It was after this second temper tantrum that I learned that my participation in the conversations was exacerbating the problem. Every time I answered him or responded in any way, it fueled his fire. That’s when I learned about keeping my mouth shut and my emotions out of the way. Ok, I learned what I should do, but that doesn’t mean I’ve been perfect at doing it every time. Each time Joey starts to go into one of these episodes, I find myself getting sucked in. But so far I’ve been catching myself and staying silent until he works his way out of it. This strategy has caused the tantrums to become shorter and has made them easier for me to handle.

Joey’s Temper Tantrum #3 was in the morning before school. I still have no idea what started this one…could have been a bad dream, just waking up in a bad mood, or something at school that he didn’t want to do…who knows. I don’t even think Joey knew. The previous evening I had stayed up late filling out a form for school for his fundraiser that would earn Josh and him each a glow in the dark alien that grows when you put him in water. I thought he would be grateful that I’d done that because he really wanted the alien. I was having trouble getting him moving in the morning and he was very late getting to the breakfast table. Breakfast that day was an Eggo, which he loves, so I know this problem didn’t directly relate to breakfast. Instead of eating he went to lie on the coach and cry. I told him to go upstairs and get dressed and he could finish his breakfast on the way to school, but that we needed to get moving or they would both be late for school. “I don’t want to eat in the car because I’ll get the car messy.” Ok, then hurry and get dressed and maybe you can eat it quickly before we get in the car. Crying…but he went upstairs and got dressed. Then he scarfed down the Eggo and got in the car. About halfway to school he realized he hadn’t brushed his teeth and started screaming that I didn’t let him brush his teeth. He insisted that he wouldn’t get out of the car because he would have bad breath and the kids would all make fun of him. At least we were in the car so I was able to get Josh to school on time. When we got there, Joey refused to get out of the car. I told him that I wouldn’t give him the fundraiser form if he didn’t get out and go to class. He said I had to give it to him. He said I didn’t have any choice but to give it to him. He felt entitled, not grateful. I made a mental note to figure out how to work on his sense of entitlement in the future. I made the mistake of starting to drive back home. During the drive back home, I gave him the option of losing the use of the Wii and brushing his teeth or getting to keep the Wii…yes, I meant forever, not just temporarily. Josh doesn’t care about the Wii, so I felt comfortable using the game as a whole. He just said that he needed to brush his teeth. Once back at the school after having brushed his teeth he still wouldn’t get out of the car. I parked in the lot and started reading a book. He sat there for over 30 minutes going through every strategy he could come up with…(1) Badgering, he kept repeating that he had just needed to brush his teeth and now I’d taken away his alien and the Wii and how unfair that was; (2) Martyr, no one loves him, he never gets anything and now Josh would have an alien and he wouldn’t and how unfair that was; (3) Treats, he was going to make me pay by staying in the car until after lunch and getting me fired from my job; (4) Tantrums, tearless crying and screaming; (5) Violence, kicking the back of my seat, kicking the air vents, punching the middle armrest. Nothing seemed to work. I wasn’t backing down. Finally I told him he had 3 minutes to get out of the car and go to class or he would lose his new Longhorns jersey. At 3 minutes and 10 seconds he got out of the car. We both pretended he’d made it in 3 minutes. At that point he offered to trade me the Longhorns jersey for the form that would get him the alien. Wow…I consider that a really bad deal on his part, but then again I’m a big Longhorns fan. I agreed and gave him the form. We checked him in at the school office and he moped off to class. In the past hour, he’d lost the Wii, all of his accumulated allowance for the week and his Longhorns jersey. Bad morning. I went home and packed up the Wii. I still had the receipts for his jersey and it still had tags on it. Both were gone from the house before he came home that night. On the way home from daycare, Josh mentioned playing the Wii and I said “We don’t have a Wii anymore.” Josh said “What?” and Joey said “Remember I lost it this morning.” Oh. So they had discussed it and Joey was resigned to his consequences. I think Josh only brought it up because he was trying to find out if I’d really done what I’d said I would do. I’ve recently told them that they may be able to earn the Wii back someday, but I didn’t know how yet.

Josh’s temper tantrums are much more like every kid’s. When Josh is in a bad mood, he whines and cries easily. He’s a textbook introvert, so he clams up and refuses to talk. This gets under my skin much more than Joey’s strategies because it totally leaves me guessing. Well, that and the fact that Josh is exactly like me and I wouldn’t have known how to handle me as a kid either. Josh is extremely stubborn and has no interest in letting me know he cares what I think. There isn’t much I can share here as Josh’s temper tantrums sound like this…”Josh, please get dressed.” Silence. “Josh, you need to get dressed.” Silence. “Josh, are you listening to me.” Crying. “What’s wrong?” More crying. No words. I can continue asking questions, but I won’t get any information. He’ll just eventually get tired of crying and get dressed.

One of the guys at my office suggested I read “Magic 1-2-3”. He uses this strategy to discipline his kids. I read it and started to incorporate some of the counting into my discipline techniques. The book also has a companion book for the kids to read. That one introduces the concept to the kids with all of the reasons it’s good for the entire family. Joey read the book and, surprisingly, loves the idea. He is all about knowing what’s coming next. So, when I say “That’s 1” he has a full understanding of what will happen next. The book also explains that, even if he believes he shouldn’t be counted, the counting will continue if he doesn’t change his behavior. Since he’s read the book, every time I say “That’s 1” he has immediately stopped crying or refusing to brush his teeth or teasing Josh or whatever. Maybe it is magic.

I know we will continue to have tantrums, but the more we know each other and trust each other, the easier they will be. I really can’t wait for a year from now when every single thing we do isn’t new to us.