Sent to the Principal's Office

Joey was sent to the principal’s office at school yesterday for the first time. Slightly after 10am in the morning, his teacher called me to tell me he had been sent to the principal’s office for aggressive behavior…specifically for kicking another boy in the privates. Joey? That sounds more like Josh. But let me back up just a bit. In the last few weeks, Josh has gotten much more physically aggressive towards Joey at home. Josh is always hitting or kicking. When I’ve told Josh not to hit and to keep his hands and feet to himself, he’s confused. Evidently no one has ever told him this before. Joey tells me Josh got away with being physical at the foster home because he was so much smaller than everyone else, so he never really hurt anyone. Well, in the last two weeks or so, Josh has walked up to Joey and punched him in the privates at least twice. Joey immediately falls to the floor crying. So far, Joey has never fought back. This is why it took me by surprise that his teacher was telling me that Joey did this.

On the other hand, it’s possible that Joey can’t fight back with Josh because Josh is so much smaller, so he’s taking it out on the kid at school. Another possibility is that Josh’s actions offered Joey a new weapon for his arsenal and he’s using it.

In any case, Joey’s teacher explained that she didn’t think he’d acted out of meanness. I said, “So, you think it was an accident?” And she said, “Well, no.” She had tried to talk to Joey about it but he was so upset that he was going to the principal’s office that he shut down and stopped talking. His teacher said the principal would be calling me and she had just wanted to give me a heads up.

The asst. principal called within an hour. She said she had Joey there with her and needed to report an incident of aggression towards his classmates to me.

Here’s what she described:

Joey came to the principal’s office because he had knee’d another boy in the privates. He embellished his story, so the other kids that had been near, including the boy who had been hurt, were brought in to investigate and try to find the truth. Apparently many of the kids had different stories of what they were talking about while lining up to go to recess, but the most repeated story was that they had been discussing a time when Joey had knee’d another boy in the boys bathroom. At this point, it was reported that Joey knee’d the boy. She didn’t tell me what the embellishment consisted of or who any of the kids involved were. Joey was given a written warning for his first offense and, because of the seriousness of the incident, he would have to eat lunch apart from his class for two days. She asked me to call after I’d talked to him if I found out anything more. My response was that I thought the consequence was appropriate but to note that Joey’s temper trigger seems to be rejection and being isolated. I just wanted her to be alert that this consequence could cause him to escalate. I also told her about Josh’s recent behavior and that it could have contributed to Joey’s even thinking to attack in this way. She appreciated the additional information.

I had all afternoon to formulate my strategy for the evening as I didn’t get another call. Much of me worried that Joey would escalate and that I would hear from them again…but I didn’t. This fact shouldn’t be skirted over…do you see what this means? Joey managed to get into trouble, receive consequences and NOT escalate the situation! Part of my strategy would be to praise him for that. Also, I planned to ask him how it felt to be walking to the principal’s office knowing he would be getting into trouble…and what he thought about the consequences he was given…and how he had felt when we walked back into the classroom. I had a plan that I hoped would prevent an additional blowup and possibly get me more information on what had happened.

I picked the boys up at daycare at 4:50pm. Joey’s Fit Academy class starts at 5:00pm so we were in a hurry as usual. Josh seemed very excited and asked “Are we going home?” I said “Home? No silly. We are going to the gym.” Joey quickly got his things and kind of avoided looking at me. As we were getting in the car, Josh started telling me that Joey had told him what happened. He wanted to get into the details. Joey wanted Josh to not bring it up. Finally Joey said “Mom, are you mad?” and I said no. I asked him if he thought that behavior was okay with me. He said no. I nodded and told him he was right and that I knew he knew that so I didn’t see any point in beating him over the head with it. He took a deep breath and said “Whew!” I told him we would discuss it later and proceeded to change the subject to casually talk about other things.

Josh seemed to be both frustrated and mad that Joey didn’t get in trouble with me. Perhaps that’s because Josh gets in trouble for hurting Joey this way. After the class, I asked Josh if he was upset that I wasn’t upset with Joey. He said no. He thought about it a minute and then he said he didn’t understand why Joey DID get in trouble at school. He said that boys do that all the time and don’t get into trouble. I asked who and he said people he didn’t know. I don’t know if this is true or not, but I explained that they should get into trouble and why this is not allowed.

The rest of our evening was about dinner and homework. Once Josh was asleep and Joey had finished his homework, he and I sat down on the couch to discuss what had happened. I was prepared to hear “embellishment” and excuses, so I reminded him that he wasn’t in trouble at home so there was no reason to lie. And I started the conversation asking when he had hurt the first boy in the bathroom, what day was that? He was confused by the question because it had been earlier in the morning on the same day. Then I mentioned that the incidents had been with more than one boy and he said no just Josiah. So, immediately I get to two things that differ from what the principal had been told. But it makes more sense to me that it was just one boy and one day.

Joey claims that he and Josiah were playing around in the bathroom and Joey accidentally knee’d Josiah. Josiah didn’t tell the teacher about that. But then when they were lining up for recess Joey and Josiah were discussing that Joey had done that and Josiah knees Joey back. No one sees this, but it makes Joey mad so he knees Josiah back. By this point they were making noise and the other kids had turned around and only saw what Joey did, not what Josiah had done. He said no one believed him that Josiah had hurt him first. At this point, I took Joey back to the bathroom scene so he could understand that he had started it in the first place so Josiah hadn’t actually hurt Joey first.

He said that Josiah was going to want revenge and that Joey wanted revenge too. I asked what he meant by him wanting revenge and he said “I want Josiah to get in trouble if he comes after me.” When I asked if he knew how to make that happen, he explained that his plan is to make sure there is someone right by him anytime Josiah is near him and that he’ll tell the teacher right away if Josiah hurts him. Right answer!

Joey biggest complaint was that no one believed him. He said that for a minute in the principal’s office he thought he was winning but then he lost. When I asked him what he meant by winning he said it looked like they were going to believe him but then they all believe Josiah in the end.

I know most mothers want to believe their kids over other people and they want to believe their kids couldn’t possibly do what they’ve been accused of…but I’m kind of the opposite. Given my history so far with Joey, I tend to think he’s lying to me and that he most likely did what the majority of the kids say. But, in this case, Joey’s story made much more sense than what had been pieced together by the principal. Joey loves school and he loves his friends and he loves being liked by everyone. Joey hates getting into trouble at school. It’s highly unlikely that he was just going around hurting various kids with no provocation at all. I am in no way condoning his behavior as he was the aggressor here. But I’m able to help him learn how to not get himself in this situation in the first place.

We talked about he felt throughout just like I’d planned. He said it was scary when he didn’t know what his consequence would be. He has to eat lunch in the principal’s office in silence. That’s better than what I had pictured with him at a table by himself in the lunchroom for all the kids to start at. He didn’t like eating in the office, but he said he made the best of it and even kind of had fun by himself. Wow…I’m so impressed! I told him I was proud of him for making the best of the situation. He said that he is probably now the most hated kid in his class. I asked him how he would feel about one of his classmates if this had happened to them. He thought about this for a minute or so and then said he thought he would feel bad for them. I agreed and said that his classmates will probably feel bad for him as well and not to worry about it.

This morning I went to visit the principal and explain just a few things: (1) only Joey and Josiah have been involved so they need to be watched, (2) they might not be finished with this little battle so they need to be watched, (3) this all happened on one day, not spread over a few days, and (4) I actually against all odds believe that Josiah kicked Joey in the hall, but that I don’t think that should change anything about Joey’s consequences.

I’ve asked some men why guys do this to each other and they have explained that it’s just a method to exploit another’s weakness. Huh. Sometimes they are a mystery!