Last night we were scheduled to talk to Heather, the boys' CPS caseworker. When we got home, the phone was ringing and Josh was in an unusually good mood. Joey talked to Heather first. While he was talking to her, Josh asked me for some Chapstick because his lips hurt really, really bad. I gave him Chapstick and pretty soon he started screaming that his lips were stinging. I've put Chapstick on really dry lips and sometimes it stings for a bit...so I knew what he meant. He screamed for water so I gave him some. He stuck his lips in the water and pretty soon he was fine. Joey was commentating the events for Heather on the phone...all accurately. Josh wanted Chapstick, lips sting, needs water, fine now. When Joey was finished sharing with Heather, he asked if Josh could talk to her. Of course.
Heather first asked about Josh's screaming. He didn't know what she was talking about. He didn't remember screaming. He put down the phone and came to me and said, "Mom, was I screaming?" I reminded him what had happened 2 minutes before and then he started to walk off. I reminded him he was on the phone with Heather. He picked the phone back up and started talking. I started working with Joey on his homework. Pretty soon, I started hearing some of Josh's conversation. I didn't overhear it all, but I got most of it.
Josh was telling Heather, his CPS worker, that he wants to leave. He doesn't want to be adopted by a mom that chokes him. He doesn't feel safe here and he doesn't feel loved here. Ouch. He tells Heather about a time (about a week and a half ago, but he doesn't remember when it was) when he was upstairs and was misbehaving and wouldn't come downstairs for a Timeout, so I carried him downstairs. He says I was choking him and he couldn't breathe. She asked how I carried him and he said with my arm around his waist and that he was screaming because he couldn't breathe. He said "And she didn't even care!!" He wants to be adopted by a mom that cares when she hurts him. He repeated the same story in the exact same words about 3 times. Then he said goodbye and handed me the phone.
I said Hello and Heather immediately told me not to worry because she didn't believe him. Whew. I was wondering how I was going to prove that what he was telling her wasn't true. Joey had said that he would talk to her and tell her what really happened, but I'd hoped that wouldn't be necessary. She mentioned that she knew you couldn't choke someone at the waist and that you can't scream if you can't breathe. She said that he couldn't be afraid of me and yet telling her all of this in front of me. When children are scared they don't get in the person's face that they are afraid of. She said that he's obviously mad at me and striking out to hurt me and possibly get me in trouble. He did hurt me. He didn't get me in trouble.
How do you guard your heart and also leave it open? How do I keep things like this from ripping my heart out of my chest while staying vulnerable enough to love them?
Heather thinks Josh needs to be evaluated by a Psychiatrist. She said that Joey hadn't needed medication until he was 7 and maybe Josh needs it too now that he's 7. She noticed that he can't remember something that happened a few minutes before with the screaming questions, and he gets confused about what order things happened in, and he's making stuff up and totally out of control physically and emotionally.
After talking to Heather, Josh immediately became elated and light and happy. It looked like he had removed a heavy burden from his shoulders. You could interpret this to mean that he'd been weighed down by his decision to want to leave and now that he'd finally told someone he trusted he could relax again. Or you could interpret this to mean that he was totally pleased with himself because he's managed to hurt me and will now get what he wants. I asked Joey why he thought Josh told Heather these things. He thinks Josh is mad. I agree. I asked Joey what he thought Josh was mad about. He thought about it for a bit and then said this about foster care..."At Mimi's house, Josh always got his way. He's mad because he's not getting his way about everything." I asked Joey if he understood why Josh couldn't always get his way. He looked at me like I was dense and explained that Josh won't every grow up if I give in to him all the time. He explained to me that Josh has to eat, bathe, brush his teeth, do his homework, go to bed, and go to school...that these things are important even if he doesn't want to do them. Joey is a very smart little boy.
Things were simpler when Josh was in foster care. Things were simpler when Josh was in Kindergarten. It's easier to have someone else wash your hair and read to you and pick out everything you'll wear. Josh would like to go back to when things where simpler.
This morning, Josh told Joey that he'd apologized to me. Joey asked me about it and I looked at Josh and said "You haven't apologized." Josh said "Yes I did. Right after my Timeout." I said, "Josh, you haven't been in Timeout today or at all since you talked to Heather yesterday." He looked confused. It looks like he's having trouble figuring out what order things happened in. I believe his thoughts and his memory are playing tricks on him.
1) I'm trying to get Josh an appointment with Joey's Psychiatrist next Tuesday.
2) I'm praying that I'll be able to let this go and not keep it around as one of my own demons. Once Josh and I get past this, I can't have it in my conscious or unconscious thoughts about our relationship. I've got to force the gaping hole in my heart to heal without a scar.
PARENTHOOD IS HARD!!!
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Wow. This is really big, Kathleen. I think you are doing a great job. I can only imagine how hard it would be to love them without being so vulnerable that it affects your thoughts. I'll pray for you guys tonight!!! love ya!
ReplyDeleteI think you are AMAZING and handling everything so incredibly well. Being a parent is hard and being a single parent can be overwhelming, and yet balanced by moments when your children absolutely melt your heart and you know this is the life you were meant to lead.
ReplyDeleteI think you are wise to ask for Joey's input on things; surely that makes him feel valued and helps you at the same time.
I don't know if this helps and it might sound bad - but all kids go through phases and there are times when I don't necessarily 'like' my kids - times when they are hard to be around and not much fun. But, I never stop loving them, and I don't think you will either. You are facing challenges tougher than most of us will ever know, but I think you will love them and your wounds will heal because 1) they are your children and they need and deserve your love - and I think everything in us is wired to rise above the hurts and bumps in the road and to honor that, and 2) if God has gotten you this far, he's not going to let you down now...
It sounds like Josh is having some serious attention issues. If he doesn't feel right in his own skin and can't trust his own thoughts and memories, it makes sense for him to be paranoid and unhappy. I am very hopeful that the Dr. appointment will get you started on a path that makes things so much better for him at school and home.
In the meantime, sometimes simply reminding myself that they are kids helps me, and sometimes I have to chant it in my head, 'I'm 41, he's 10, I'm 41, he's 10...' in order to keep my mouth shut while I cool off. And, like with Josh and the organization and not getting his way, to be a good parent you have to be unpopular sometimes. At some point Josh will see that - it might be in a year or two or ten, but he will. I sometimes tell my kids 'It's not my job to make sure you are happy all of the time; it's my job to make sure you become the best people that you can be. Now go .'
Finally, for what it's worth, I was such a difficult child that my Mom used to cry to my Dad that she just wasn't the mother for me. My Dad would tell her she was exactly the mother I needed, and he was right. I think you are exactly the right mother for Josh and for Joey. I believe fully that you have the patience, forgiveness and love to overcome all of the obstacles that you will encounter in order to squeeze every bit of enjoyment out of life with your family!
You are a WONDERFUL mother!!! wow josh and joey are so blessed to have you guiding them. while it might seem hard from your point of view....looking in, I only hope that I show our kiddos the same patience and understanding. Joey is wise beyond his years and doesn't seem to miss much. It was good for you to hear that from someone else close to Josh.
ReplyDeleteSometimes when Jake and Sydney get really mad at me for something, at the end of the day when things have calmed down, usually around bedtime, I say to them. Boy, you were really mad at me huh? They usually say yes and I tell them, I want you to know that sometimes you are going to be mad at me and say things that you don't mean or maybe mean at the time, but always remember that no matter what you say or do, no matter how upset or hurt or angry either of us might feel, I love you and that will never change. Then if it's Jake we wrestle for a while and if it's Sydney we read a book, play a game or listen to some music.
Kids are awesome!