Where the idea originated

In October 2008, Gateway Church led an experiment where we wore timepieces that beeped once per hour to remind us to stay connected to God throughout the day. The experiment was called 60-60 which refers to every 60 minutes for 60 days. Our pastor, John Burke, wrote a book called Soul Revolution that led us through the process. To fast forward from the beginning of the experiment to the point where I realize God wants me to adopt children, I'm pasting an extremely long email below that I sent to John Burke and Rick Shurtz, also a pastor at Gateway.

From: Kathleen Edwards
Sent: Sunday, November 09, 2008 11:07 PM
To: Rick Shurtz; John Burke
Subject: Oh My GOD!!

Rick and John...or John and Rick...WOW!

I'm having trouble breathing...anxiety attack I think. A result of being so darn connected with God. Thank you both very much!! No, really, I mean that. I think.

I'll give you a quick summary to catch you up to last Friday morning. I didn't really want to do the 60-60 experiment. I didn't NOT want to do it. I just wasn't excited about it. I've had experience before with watching others get true connections to God and being jealous, and with getting connections that were uncomfortable (see page 154 of Soul Revolution). Nonetheless, it sounded like a lot of trouble. During my small group meeting immediately before starting the experiment, my brilliant small group leader, Christine Lambden (my sister), reminded us of the theme of the Gateway women's retreat from 2 years before. It was "Jesus Loves Me, This I Know...but do I really know?" That reminder caused me to throw my hat in and say that if this experience could cause me to really believe that Jesus loves me, it's worth all the trouble.

Cut to the end of week 1 when I had just read that God talks to us through our own thoughts, through scripture, through other people and through our dreams. I had a dream that I needed to go to Houston and see my best friend from high school and give her a copy of the Soul Revolution. I didn't know if this was God or the power of suggestion. I was already scheduled to go to Houston, so calling her for dinner wasn't all that tough. I had to go by Gateway on my way out of town, so I picked up another copy of the book. Easy squeezy, right? Ok...it wasn't that easy cause, although she had come with me to church growing up, it wasn't as if Jesus had been in our conversations since. When my sister and I met her for dinner (yes, note that I brought my small group leader with me...smart eh?), she almost immediately revealed that she'd asked her husband of 15 years to move out barely 4 weeks prior. Just like John said, you can see God's urgings most clearly in hindsight. We listened, empathized and introduced her to Soul Revolution, which she agreed to try. Done...check...reasonably easy.

Next, I get back to Austin and we are at about 1.5 weeks into the experiment. I hear nothing, and I can't focus on my prayers. I can't even get myself to respond regularly to my beep...Like my sub-conscious thinks I've done my thing and now I don't have to play anymore. I'm really concerned so on Sunday I talk to Rick and plan to see him to discuss my lack of focus. Tuesday night is small group night and I haven't finished my reading of Chapter 7. As I'm rushing out of work late, I call my co-worker, who is also a friend, and give him an update on some things that had come up late in the day. He's immediately ticked off by the news I'm sharing and my gut reaction is to lie to him and tell him I had nothing to do with the decision that he's upset about, when that isn't really true. We get off the phone. I have this sick feeling in my gut that I think is anxiety as I'm running late and still need to finish my reading. When I get home I frantically read pages 112-116 trying to see parallels in my life so I can participate in group, and struggling to find any. (Head slapper, I know.) I get in the car to drive to small group and start to pray for God to slow my thoughts down, focus me and help me to see what He wants for me. I then mirror John's "I lied!" on page 114 and see all the parallels and thank God for helping me to see my sins and ask for help in rectifying them. My small group helped me that night as I managed to say my last 10% and get some great guidance. See how God is talking to me even in my lack of focus?

Next is meeting with Rick on the next Sunday and going through all of the above where he, thankfully, reassures me that all relationships go through ebbs and flows and my relationship with God is no different...that I'm listening and following His leadings and that I should be excited about all of it instead of concerned about not having focus every hour on the hour. I told Rick that I was a bit concerned that these were just warm-ups to something God might ask me to do that would be really hard. But, I know that if God asks me to do something I'm not ready to do, I can always say no.

Halfway through the next week, during a run in my neighborhood I'm praying and asking what I'm supposed to be working on. I hear, "Do you trust me?" (I know you both know that I didn't HEAR that, but that's the random thought that floated my way...if you know what I mean.) As a single woman with no kids, I often pray for God to give me someone to live life with. So, I jumped to the conclusion that we were talking about whether or not I trust God to keep me from making my inevitable bad decisions with men were He to bring me one. As I walked we had a little debate, I don't trust myself to make smart decisions with men and I don't think God will prevent me from making bad decisions, as He gave me free will. I got all tied up in this knot. So, on Sunday, I went up to talk to John after his message. John asked me if I have a strong small group support structure and running partners, which I do...and which I didn't have when I was making all my past bad decisions. He told me to know myself and know that God will lead me in the right direction as long as I stay connected to Him, but to TRUST my support group to keep me accountable and connected. Again, some fantastic pastoral advice from you guys!! Really, I love how accessable you both are and that you have helped me come to peace with some struggles.

This is, of course, why I've come to you with this newest doozy God has plopped on my doorstep. Yes, I'm aware that my quick summary was lengthy. Feel free to take a reading break if you need to, but you really don't want to miss this next part!!!

Lately I've "cleaned up my life"...some things intentionally and some not so intentionally. Through Gateway resources, I've educated myself in how God wants me to date and I am 100% onboard. I've lost interest in drinking more than a glass of wine or two once or twice a month. I've stopped watching violent tv shows as I don't need so many negative vibes in my life. In turn, I've found some empty space in my life. In all seriousness, I'm kind of bored. So, last week I have this dream where I find out I'm pregnant. I decide that this time I'll keep the baby. When asked about the father, I respond that he doesn't matter, this is my decision and I want to keep my baby. When I awake, of course this is a little disturbing as I'm clearly not pregnant. But not all dreams mean anything, so I blow it off. Then, I start getting bombarded with adoption ads on the TV and radio throughout the week. On Friday, there is an Adoption Forum at my worksite. I've considered adoption over the last few years, but never considered it as a viable solution to wanting kids as I don't have a husband and, my last 10% here is that I'm scared of newborns. The TV ads had said that "You don't have to raise a kid to raise them up." Seems like that means there are things I could do to help that fall short of actually adopting kids. So, I go to the Adoption Forum intent on asking what else I could do to help...babysit, donate money, etc. At that Adoption Forum and in the 2 days following it, my entire life changed.

Did you know that you don't need a husband to adopt? Do you know that you can adopt kids that are older so you don't have to deal with diapers or potty training? Do you see that when God asked me if I trust him, he wasn't talking about me trusting him to help me make smart decisions with men? Do you see that He's ready to give me someone to live life with? Do you see that He's telling me that He's prepared me to ADOPT A CHILD? ...or, as it turns out, TWO?????

Oh My GOD! And that part about my being able to say no is ridiculous! Unless I can convince myself that these urgings are all my imagination, which I'm sorely failing at doing, I don't have a single No in my arsenal. God has provided me with a house, a great paying job, an empty life, an overflowing heart and now...after years of asking for a role in the world...after years of asking why I don't have a family...after years of asking what He has in mind for me...now He tells me. And it seems so right. It seems so obvious. I feel like I'm going to explode...with love...with joy...and with fear. I'm scared to death. I have a great family and fantastic small group. I hold you two personally responsible for encouraging me to stay so connected to God! And I'm having trouble breathing...

In Him, Kathleen

Rick's response was:

From: Rick Shurtz
To: Kathleen Edwards
Sent: Thursday, November 13, 2008 5:07:23 PM
Subject: RE: Oh My GOD!!

Wow! I just read your email. I can’t wait to hear the end of this story. I saw that you copied Theresa on the email. She’d be a great person to talk with in that they recently adopted three great kids. There are far too many kids in Austin without good families. You’d be giving an amazing gift.