Last Saturday afternoon, Joey wanted to watch TV and he needed to be wearing his glasses. He didn't want to be wearing his glasses. Since they'd been patched, it's much harder for him to see. It had been 16 days since his last temper tantrum which is a great run. Plus, I'd expected to have some problems with getting him to wear the glasses, so his reaction that day really wasn't a big surprise.
He cried. He screamed. He refused to go to his room for a timeout. About an hour into the temper tantrum, he tried to use "leave me alone and let me calm down so I won't scream at you anymore" as a way to stay where he was and not go to timeout. I know this because Josh and I had already left him alone for almost 30 minutes to calm down, during which time he had actually fallen to sleep, and this was immediately following that period. But he's smart enough to try to use the tools he's been given to get his way. I gave him some more time and then asked him to go to his room for his timeout and he started screaming at me that I need to go to jail because I'm a bully. He got the phone to call the police to have me arrested because I'm a bully. I explained to him that if he feels scared or in danger he absolutely needed to call the police. But to be sure he really wanted to call them before he dialed. I explained that if he calls and hangs up they will still come to the house and he'll need to talk to them. Eventually, after about an hour and a half, he quietly walked to his room and did his timeouts. He also lost $2.50 of his allowance for last week during the episode. This is the first one where he didn't get physically violent at all. The rest was very similar to the other bouts. He spent a lot of time saying he wants to die and was going to kill himself. He tried to hold his breath to kill himself, but that didn't work, of course. He said "I'm so ugly no one wants to look at me" a lot. That's a new one. Calling me a bully is also a new one. I'm not okay with him screaming in my face. I need him to treat me with more respect than that, but I'm hoping that will come with time.
Josh also had a temper tantrum that night. His was because he didn't want to take a bath or brush his teeth. His was just crying at the top of his lungs and punching his bed. He eventually fell asleep on top of his comforter in his clothes without having bathed or brushed his teeth. He had made me a picture earlier in the day while Joey was acting up and given it me saying he loves me and not to worry, that if Joey calls the police he'll tell them the truth. During his own temper tantrum, he told me he wanted his picture back. I gave it to him in the morning. Josh does this a lot. I'm thinking I might have been better off refusing to give it back to him, but I'm not sure about that. I asked him to take his bath in the morning and he did. Josh has been snippy and pushing all boundaries for 5 or 6 days now. It looks like he is trying everything to get into trouble. If I ask him to bring me his dishes, for example, he'll look at me, raise his chin and say NO. Classic defiance. I'm just planning on trying to wait this out.
Two days later, Josh came to me with the picture and held it up. He said, "I'm sorry about what I did the other night and I want you to have this." I thanked him, gave him a hug and told him I love him. Then I put the picture back on the refrigeration door.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Amblyopia
Josh was diagnosed with Amblyopia on August 19, 2009. Amblyopia, also commonly called Lazy Eye, is a condition where one eye's vision is much stronger than the other causing the weaker eye to fail to continue to develop. The brain relies on the image received from the stronger eye. If the condition is identified at an early age the common treatment is to patch the good eye forcing the weaker eye to get back in the game. With patching the expectations of improvement are high. Getting this diagnosis had positive and negative sides. On the plus side, this helps to explain some of Joey's coordination problems and difficulty riding a bike, for example. On the minus side, he'd arrived in a new family, in a new house, in a new city, about to start a new school and meet all new friends...and we were talking about effectively blinding him...for his own good. Ouch!
The doctor prescribed glasses and set another appointment in 5 weeks. If Joey's eyesight in his left eye had not improved in that 5 weeks merely by having the assistance of the glasses, then we would discuss patching. Joey took this news very maturely. I read the information on WebMD to him to help him understand. He said that he didn't like it but he would do what he needed to do.
Five weeks later, on September 23rd, Joey's vision had not improved and the doctor put a patch on his glasses over the right eye to blur his vision. Again, Joey reacted well. The doctor gave him 2 exercises to do each evening: color within the lines for 10 minutes, then fill in the o's on newspaper print for 10 minutes. When he first walked out of the doctor's office, he had to hold my arm because he really couldn't see. We went to the grocery store on the way home and, when we left the grocery store, he walked to the car, opened the door and got in without any hessitation. He said to me, "It's working. I can already see better."
We've had some battles throughout the last week when he thought the exercises were too hard, but he's completed them most days. This afternoon we go back to the eye doctor to see if he's had any improvement with the patch. Fingers crossed!
The doctor prescribed glasses and set another appointment in 5 weeks. If Joey's eyesight in his left eye had not improved in that 5 weeks merely by having the assistance of the glasses, then we would discuss patching. Joey took this news very maturely. I read the information on WebMD to him to help him understand. He said that he didn't like it but he would do what he needed to do.
Five weeks later, on September 23rd, Joey's vision had not improved and the doctor put a patch on his glasses over the right eye to blur his vision. Again, Joey reacted well. The doctor gave him 2 exercises to do each evening: color within the lines for 10 minutes, then fill in the o's on newspaper print for 10 minutes. When he first walked out of the doctor's office, he had to hold my arm because he really couldn't see. We went to the grocery store on the way home and, when we left the grocery store, he walked to the car, opened the door and got in without any hessitation. He said to me, "It's working. I can already see better."
We've had some battles throughout the last week when he thought the exercises were too hard, but he's completed them most days. This afternoon we go back to the eye doctor to see if he's had any improvement with the patch. Fingers crossed!
Friday, September 25, 2009
Joey's First Girlfriend
Monday, driving home from daycare, Joey informed me that Isabella was now his girlfriend. When I asked what that meant to him, he explained that it means that she LIKES him more that the other boys and he LIKES her more than the other girls. He told me that he’s wanted a girlfriend his whole life. When I asked him why, he told me that he wanted to know what it felt like.
I asked, “How does it feel?” He answered, “It feels good. I’m happy.”
Evidently he had asked her to be his girlfriend about 50 times and she finally said she would give him one chance, but if he blew it he would get no more changes. She told him to bring her chocolate. He didn’t ask me to get him chocolate to give to her. Josh suggested he give her some of the chocolate that Grandma had given him and Joey’s response was “It wouldn’t be right to give away something Grandma gave to me.” (That’s impressive!)
The next night Josh asked Joey what he was going to do about giving Isabella chocolate. I was in the kitchen making dinner, so I was far enough away to mind my own business, but close enough to overhear and they knew I could hear them. Joey said “Maybe Mom can make her cookies, but I don’t know if Mom knows how to make cookies.” That made me giggle. Josh said, “Ask her.” When Joey asked I said that I do know how to make cookies, but she hadn’t asked me to make her cookies, she wants Joey to do something for her. He suggested that he could make her cookies and I could help him. I told him we could definitely do that over the weekend.
The next day, on the way home from daycare, Joey tells me that Isabella broke up with him. Josh said that it was because Joey hadn’t brought chocolate. Joey said no, she had broken up with him because he kept following her around everywhere telling her that he would never find a good of a girlfriend as she. She said she felt stalked. Awww, man. Josh was cheering. He doesn’t want Joey to have a girlfriend. Joey bounced back from it within a few minutes.
Note to self: Figure out how to help Joey be just a little less needy with girls before he gets old enough that it actually matters.
I asked, “How does it feel?” He answered, “It feels good. I’m happy.”
Evidently he had asked her to be his girlfriend about 50 times and she finally said she would give him one chance, but if he blew it he would get no more changes. She told him to bring her chocolate. He didn’t ask me to get him chocolate to give to her. Josh suggested he give her some of the chocolate that Grandma had given him and Joey’s response was “It wouldn’t be right to give away something Grandma gave to me.” (That’s impressive!)
The next night Josh asked Joey what he was going to do about giving Isabella chocolate. I was in the kitchen making dinner, so I was far enough away to mind my own business, but close enough to overhear and they knew I could hear them. Joey said “Maybe Mom can make her cookies, but I don’t know if Mom knows how to make cookies.” That made me giggle. Josh said, “Ask her.” When Joey asked I said that I do know how to make cookies, but she hadn’t asked me to make her cookies, she wants Joey to do something for her. He suggested that he could make her cookies and I could help him. I told him we could definitely do that over the weekend.
The next day, on the way home from daycare, Joey tells me that Isabella broke up with him. Josh said that it was because Joey hadn’t brought chocolate. Joey said no, she had broken up with him because he kept following her around everywhere telling her that he would never find a good of a girlfriend as she. She said she felt stalked. Awww, man. Josh was cheering. He doesn’t want Joey to have a girlfriend. Joey bounced back from it within a few minutes.
Note to self: Figure out how to help Joey be just a little less needy with girls before he gets old enough that it actually matters.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Discipline
Lots of discipline strategies have been introduced and recommended to me over the last few months. I’ve read books, listened to audio books, interviewed friends and family, taken all of the PRIDE adoption classes from Pathways, my adoption agency, and, of course, become a religious watcher of Supernanny. I don’t fully agree or disagree with any of these methods. My strategy was to educate myself and create a hybrid strategy of my own that includes all of the things that sound like they may work with my kids.
“Parenting with Love & Logic”, by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, encourages giving children choices and letting them live with the consequences when they make a bad choice. “1-2-3 Magic”, by Thomas W. Phelan, says that is treating children like mini-adults and expecting them to be more mature than most of them are. Instead, it encourages extreme consistency with counting for bad behavior you want stopped and rewards or the use of timers for good behaviors you want started. PRIDE training establishes rules to dictate what consequences and rewards can and cannot be used with foster children. So far I’ve landed on a combination of counting and the use of a timer along with timeouts, docking their allowance and rewards.
I refuse to bribe my kids to behave. For example, you’ll never hear me say something like “If you behave in the grocery store, you can have a candy bar.” On the other hand, you might hear me make a deal that if they don’t get counted to 3 for an entire 24 hour period, I will return the map rug they lost by being counted to 3 the previous evening. How do those things differ? I guess they really don’t. But I see one as bribery and the other as earning something back. It’s also possible to reword something I commonly say “If you don’t eat your dinner, you won’t get snack” as “If you eat dinner, I’ll give you snack” which sounds much more like a bribe. Hmm…Maybe I need to stop saying I won’t bribe my kids to behave. In any case, misbehaving will never get them anything positive. That’s for sure.
During the first week that I had them, Josh and Joey fought in the car constantly. I asked one of our case managers what to do and she told me to pull over to the side of the road and tell them that it’s not safe for me to drive with them hitting and screaming and that we will continue to drive when they are finished. I had the opportunity to try this the very next day. During that first week, I had taken vacation from work, so we didn’t have anywhere we needed to be at any particular time. I had all the time in the world to wait. When I pulled over, one of them asked what I was doing. I made the speech and then I opened my novel and started to read. Ok, I pretended to read because I didn’t yet have the ability to completely tune them out. They each tried to explain to me why the other was wrong and I didn’t respond. It only took about 2 minutes until they were quiet and then told me they were ready to go. I did this two more times that week and I haven’t had to do it since. They haven’t even started to bicker in the car. It’s like it was a habit they were trying to start and, when I put a stop to it so abruptly, they just let it go. Thank God for good advice!!
Joey started out having some pretty big temper tantrums. I don’t know how big they were, but they were bigger than I was prepared for at the time. They had all the elements of testing that I’d been prepared for in PRIDE, but the reality of it is harder to handle than I’d thought it would be.
Joey’s Temper Tantrum #1: We were headed to the grocery store to buy corn dogs for dinner as a treat after a good day. They started fighting in the car and I asked them to stop or I would turn towards home and we wouldn’t go to the store. They didn’t stop after being asked numerous times, so I turned back home. After turning back home, they stopped. Joey felt that should be good enough. I felt that I had to stick to my word and continue towards home. After all, they hadn’t stopped until after I proved that I would turn around. (This was obviously before they stopped fighting in the car.) Once we got home, Joey wouldn’t get out of the car…he started trying to destroy the car…he cried loudly…and screamed at me that I “suck as a mother”. He then threatened to run away from home, begged to go back to his foster home and screamed “everyone hates me, no one loves me, I never get anything!!!” This is all textbook testing and not at all unique, but I hadn’t read that yet and it all hurt me deeply. I’m a very strong person and I’m more stubborn than anyone I know. No, I’m not boasting about that…but it’s helping me in these situations. I didn’t let Joey know he was getting to me until his temper tantrum was over. After about an hour of verbal battling, Joey was sitting on the floor of the garage next to the garage door with it raised about 2 feet. He was threatening to run away from home. I told him that I was making dinner for Josh. I told him that if he chose to leave, I would have to call the police because he wouldn’t be safe out there but I couldn’t follow him because I also had to keep Josh safe. I knew that he assumed I would follow him. Once he heard that I wouldn’t and why, I could visibly see him begin to rethink his position. After 15 minutes of just sitting there, he stood up, walked inside and asked what was for dinner. It amazes me how quickly he can get mad and how quickly he can let it go. I just don’t recover that easily.
Joey’s Temper Tantrum #2 resulted in my having to restrain him. That comes with all kinds of reporting requirements from the agencies and the state. For that reason, I documented the entire experience immediately following. That’s the reason I have so many details to include here.
On a Saturday morning, we planned to go to Brushy Creek Park to meet Kraig, Shelley, Piper and Devin. Before we left to go to the sprinkler park, I reminded them that they needed to get along or we would have to leave. I told them the first time one of them hurt the other or cried we’d have to leave. I had been told by the Case Managers to see these things as the first sign of a problem.
At the park, we parked and got out. We went to the sprinkler area. They walked off to play. Within a minute, Joey was back to me saying the water was cold. There were lots of kids there playing and their parents were mostly around the edges watching. Josh found someone’s buckets to play with. I started talking to a lady standing there about how the water is turned on. Josh and Joey came running up to me. The next thing I knew, they were splashing water all over someone’s bag that was set to the side. They were fighting and water was flying. Then they were both in front of me whining and pushing each other. Joey was holding his lip and said that Josh had hit him in the lip with the bucket. They started fighting. I told them to stop. They stopped and I asked Josh to apologize to Joey. Josh said no and sat down with his arms crossed over his chest. I said, ok then we’ll have to leave. I had told them that if they started this stuff we would have to leave and now I had to follow through with what I’d said. Joey started whining that he had wanted to meet Kraig and Shelley. I reminded him that I’d said they had to get along or we would leave. When we got to the car, I got towels out to dry them off. Josh let me dry him and he got in the car. Joey wouldn’t dry off and said he wasn’t leaving. He got that stubborn look in his eyes and I could tell he was going to go into his full temper tantrum. He got in the car with his wet bathing suit and refused to sit on a towel. I think he thinks that hurting the car hurts me. I got in the car. Josh buckled his seatbelt but Joey refused to buckle his seatbelt. I waited and he opened his door. I got out and closed his door. Then he opened Josh’s door. Josh pulled it closed. Joey opened his own door again. I turned around and asked him if this behavior ever got him what he wanted. He kept whining that he’d just wanted to meet Kraig and Shelley and now I was saying we had to leave and that isn’t right. I reminded him again that I’d said we would leave if they started arguing.
Then I thought he might buckle his seatbelt if I started driving. The opposite proved to be the case. I pulled out of the parking place and started driving slowly. Joey opened his door. I reached back and pulled it close and he opened it again. So, I pulled over about 50 yards from where we’d been parked and still in the parking lot. His door was open again. When I got out to shut his door again, he climbed over the seat into the front passenger seat and opened that door. He picked up the Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons in that door and held them up to me threatening to throw them out the door. I didn’t react at all, so he threw them out onto the ground. I went around and picked them up and said that we don’t litter. I put them back in the door and closed the door. When I’d been picking them up, Joey was climbing back to his seat on the driver’s side of the backseat. He opened his door again. I walked back around the car and we did that whole thing again…once Joey had thrown them out again, I went back around and picked them up, then I put them into my bag instead of back into the door. Then I just stood in the doorway of the front seat passenger side. He started crawling over the seat to get the coupons out of my bag. I took my bag out and put in on the ground outside the car myself. I put my purse out there too. Joey then laughed which was pretty spooky to me coming out of such anger.
Joey got out of the car and shut his door. He walked into the middle of the driveway and stood with his arms crossed blocking the way for cars. He was searching for ways to make me respond. When the first car came around, it slowly pulled around him. Because of where we were, I knew no one could accidently hit him and not see him. So, I didn’t go after him. The second car slowly pulled around him. The third one just stopped. After a long 5 seconds, Joey walked back to the car and leaned against the car allowing the passing car to move on. I thank all three of those families for understanding what we were going through. During all of this time, I was talking to Josh in the car. I told him I was sorry we were having to sit here in the car in the heat, but I reminded him that he had started the problem in the sprinkler park by hitting Joey in the face with the bucket and not saying he was sorry.
Joey opened his door and I had a glimmer of hope, but then he picked up the neck pillow and threatened to throw it at the next car that came by. He said he would throw it under their tires as the car came by. I could picture the panic of the driver not knowing what they’d run over, so I came back around the car and told him to get in the car. He said no. The anger in his eyes made him look like he was about to explode. I took the pillow away from him by force. He then called me a bastard. I told him I couldn’t be a bastard because I’m a girl. I shouldn’t have said anything at all, for lots of reasons, not the least of which was that what I’d said wasn’t even true, but was certainly unnecessary. Then he called me an A-S-S and I didn’t react. He started pulling the seal off of the car door frame. I tried to get between him and the seal, but that didn’t really work. He then spelled F-U-C-K. I said that spells fuck and he said “I know” and I said “me too”. Josh then pipes up and says “what are ya’ll doing spelling I thought you were fighting”. That made Joey laugh again, but stopped the spelling of dirty words. I shouldn’t have engaged in that conversation at all. I told him to get in the car so we could go home and he said no. Then he bit my left hand. I’m fully aware that I’m not handling this well. If I’d been handling it well, it would probably be over. But I have no idea what else to do. The result is that Joey is leading this dance and I’m following with no idea how to take the lead back…all the while trying not to let him know he’s leading.
He started hitting me in the arms, shoulders and chest. Then he leaned back and started kicking me hard in the stomach. That’s when I turned him around and put him in a restraint hold. We were outside the car at this point, but right next to the car and yet in the driveway. Joey struggled and screamed for help and cried and fought, but nothing got him out of the hold. No one was coming to help him. His legs gave way so I sat him down on the pavement and I leaned down and held him. The whole time I was holding him, I was also hugging him and telling him that I love him. As he screamed for help, I told him I was helping him. He was struggling to get away with all of his might. He bit my right hand and broke the skin…this one hurt. I’m not sure, but I think I held him for about 10 minutes or so. As he weakened, I told him that when he stopped fighting me I would let him go. He continued to fight for maybe another minute or two, then he seemed to stop. I slowly let him go, ready for him to start hitting me again and my needing to put him in the hold again. He didn’t, so I let him just sit on the pavement. He started to breath heavy like he might hyper-ventilate, but didn’t. Then he started to gag like he might throw-up, but didn’t. He leaned against the tire and just sat there looking around. I recognize this part from Tuesday and knew this would take some time but that he was giving in. I didn’t say a word. After about 10 minutes, Josh leaned over and said “Joey, can we go home now?” Joey didn’t respond. I opened my door, got in, started the car and shut my door. Joey said “You can’t leave me here.” I asked if he was sure. He said that would be child abuse, but might be good for him because then he could just play in the water sprinklers. I told him he wouldn’t be safe in the park alone. He got in the car, but still wouldn’t put on his seatbelt. I picked up my book and started to read. Every five minutes I said, Joey put on your seatbelt. About 15 minutes later, Joey said “I’ll only put it on if Josh asks me to.” Josh asked him to please put on his seatbelt and Joey said ok and did. Josh then said “And next time I’ll say I’m sorry.”
Once we were home, I was making lunch and Joey came in the kitchen. I told him to leave the kitchen and I would call when lunch was ready. He turned and walked away saying “I don’t know what’s wrong with her?” I said “Really? You don’t?” He said, “Yes I do, but I just wanted to tell you something.” I told him I didn’t want to hear it.
It was after this second temper tantrum that I learned that my participation in the conversations was exacerbating the problem. Every time I answered him or responded in any way, it fueled his fire. That’s when I learned about keeping my mouth shut and my emotions out of the way. Ok, I learned what I should do, but that doesn’t mean I’ve been perfect at doing it every time. Each time Joey starts to go into one of these episodes, I find myself getting sucked in. But so far I’ve been catching myself and staying silent until he works his way out of it. This strategy has caused the tantrums to become shorter and has made them easier for me to handle.
Joey’s Temper Tantrum #3 was in the morning before school. I still have no idea what started this one…could have been a bad dream, just waking up in a bad mood, or something at school that he didn’t want to do…who knows. I don’t even think Joey knew. The previous evening I had stayed up late filling out a form for school for his fundraiser that would earn Josh and him each a glow in the dark alien that grows when you put him in water. I thought he would be grateful that I’d done that because he really wanted the alien. I was having trouble getting him moving in the morning and he was very late getting to the breakfast table. Breakfast that day was an Eggo, which he loves, so I know this problem didn’t directly relate to breakfast. Instead of eating he went to lie on the coach and cry. I told him to go upstairs and get dressed and he could finish his breakfast on the way to school, but that we needed to get moving or they would both be late for school. “I don’t want to eat in the car because I’ll get the car messy.” Ok, then hurry and get dressed and maybe you can eat it quickly before we get in the car. Crying…but he went upstairs and got dressed. Then he scarfed down the Eggo and got in the car. About halfway to school he realized he hadn’t brushed his teeth and started screaming that I didn’t let him brush his teeth. He insisted that he wouldn’t get out of the car because he would have bad breath and the kids would all make fun of him. At least we were in the car so I was able to get Josh to school on time. When we got there, Joey refused to get out of the car. I told him that I wouldn’t give him the fundraiser form if he didn’t get out and go to class. He said I had to give it to him. He said I didn’t have any choice but to give it to him. He felt entitled, not grateful. I made a mental note to figure out how to work on his sense of entitlement in the future. I made the mistake of starting to drive back home. During the drive back home, I gave him the option of losing the use of the Wii and brushing his teeth or getting to keep the Wii…yes, I meant forever, not just temporarily. Josh doesn’t care about the Wii, so I felt comfortable using the game as a whole. He just said that he needed to brush his teeth. Once back at the school after having brushed his teeth he still wouldn’t get out of the car. I parked in the lot and started reading a book. He sat there for over 30 minutes going through every strategy he could come up with…(1) Badgering, he kept repeating that he had just needed to brush his teeth and now I’d taken away his alien and the Wii and how unfair that was; (2) Martyr, no one loves him, he never gets anything and now Josh would have an alien and he wouldn’t and how unfair that was; (3) Treats, he was going to make me pay by staying in the car until after lunch and getting me fired from my job; (4) Tantrums, tearless crying and screaming; (5) Violence, kicking the back of my seat, kicking the air vents, punching the middle armrest. Nothing seemed to work. I wasn’t backing down. Finally I told him he had 3 minutes to get out of the car and go to class or he would lose his new Longhorns jersey. At 3 minutes and 10 seconds he got out of the car. We both pretended he’d made it in 3 minutes. At that point he offered to trade me the Longhorns jersey for the form that would get him the alien. Wow…I consider that a really bad deal on his part, but then again I’m a big Longhorns fan. I agreed and gave him the form. We checked him in at the school office and he moped off to class. In the past hour, he’d lost the Wii, all of his accumulated allowance for the week and his Longhorns jersey. Bad morning. I went home and packed up the Wii. I still had the receipts for his jersey and it still had tags on it. Both were gone from the house before he came home that night. On the way home from daycare, Josh mentioned playing the Wii and I said “We don’t have a Wii anymore.” Josh said “What?” and Joey said “Remember I lost it this morning.” Oh. So they had discussed it and Joey was resigned to his consequences. I think Josh only brought it up because he was trying to find out if I’d really done what I’d said I would do. I’ve recently told them that they may be able to earn the Wii back someday, but I didn’t know how yet.
Josh’s temper tantrums are much more like every kid’s. When Josh is in a bad mood, he whines and cries easily. He’s a textbook introvert, so he clams up and refuses to talk. This gets under my skin much more than Joey’s strategies because it totally leaves me guessing. Well, that and the fact that Josh is exactly like me and I wouldn’t have known how to handle me as a kid either. Josh is extremely stubborn and has no interest in letting me know he cares what I think. There isn’t much I can share here as Josh’s temper tantrums sound like this…”Josh, please get dressed.” Silence. “Josh, you need to get dressed.” Silence. “Josh, are you listening to me.” Crying. “What’s wrong?” More crying. No words. I can continue asking questions, but I won’t get any information. He’ll just eventually get tired of crying and get dressed.
One of the guys at my office suggested I read “Magic 1-2-3”. He uses this strategy to discipline his kids. I read it and started to incorporate some of the counting into my discipline techniques. The book also has a companion book for the kids to read. That one introduces the concept to the kids with all of the reasons it’s good for the entire family. Joey read the book and, surprisingly, loves the idea. He is all about knowing what’s coming next. So, when I say “That’s 1” he has a full understanding of what will happen next. The book also explains that, even if he believes he shouldn’t be counted, the counting will continue if he doesn’t change his behavior. Since he’s read the book, every time I say “That’s 1” he has immediately stopped crying or refusing to brush his teeth or teasing Josh or whatever. Maybe it is magic.
I know we will continue to have tantrums, but the more we know each other and trust each other, the easier they will be. I really can’t wait for a year from now when every single thing we do isn’t new to us.
“Parenting with Love & Logic”, by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, encourages giving children choices and letting them live with the consequences when they make a bad choice. “1-2-3 Magic”, by Thomas W. Phelan, says that is treating children like mini-adults and expecting them to be more mature than most of them are. Instead, it encourages extreme consistency with counting for bad behavior you want stopped and rewards or the use of timers for good behaviors you want started. PRIDE training establishes rules to dictate what consequences and rewards can and cannot be used with foster children. So far I’ve landed on a combination of counting and the use of a timer along with timeouts, docking their allowance and rewards.
I refuse to bribe my kids to behave. For example, you’ll never hear me say something like “If you behave in the grocery store, you can have a candy bar.” On the other hand, you might hear me make a deal that if they don’t get counted to 3 for an entire 24 hour period, I will return the map rug they lost by being counted to 3 the previous evening. How do those things differ? I guess they really don’t. But I see one as bribery and the other as earning something back. It’s also possible to reword something I commonly say “If you don’t eat your dinner, you won’t get snack” as “If you eat dinner, I’ll give you snack” which sounds much more like a bribe. Hmm…Maybe I need to stop saying I won’t bribe my kids to behave. In any case, misbehaving will never get them anything positive. That’s for sure.
During the first week that I had them, Josh and Joey fought in the car constantly. I asked one of our case managers what to do and she told me to pull over to the side of the road and tell them that it’s not safe for me to drive with them hitting and screaming and that we will continue to drive when they are finished. I had the opportunity to try this the very next day. During that first week, I had taken vacation from work, so we didn’t have anywhere we needed to be at any particular time. I had all the time in the world to wait. When I pulled over, one of them asked what I was doing. I made the speech and then I opened my novel and started to read. Ok, I pretended to read because I didn’t yet have the ability to completely tune them out. They each tried to explain to me why the other was wrong and I didn’t respond. It only took about 2 minutes until they were quiet and then told me they were ready to go. I did this two more times that week and I haven’t had to do it since. They haven’t even started to bicker in the car. It’s like it was a habit they were trying to start and, when I put a stop to it so abruptly, they just let it go. Thank God for good advice!!
Joey started out having some pretty big temper tantrums. I don’t know how big they were, but they were bigger than I was prepared for at the time. They had all the elements of testing that I’d been prepared for in PRIDE, but the reality of it is harder to handle than I’d thought it would be.
Joey’s Temper Tantrum #1: We were headed to the grocery store to buy corn dogs for dinner as a treat after a good day. They started fighting in the car and I asked them to stop or I would turn towards home and we wouldn’t go to the store. They didn’t stop after being asked numerous times, so I turned back home. After turning back home, they stopped. Joey felt that should be good enough. I felt that I had to stick to my word and continue towards home. After all, they hadn’t stopped until after I proved that I would turn around. (This was obviously before they stopped fighting in the car.) Once we got home, Joey wouldn’t get out of the car…he started trying to destroy the car…he cried loudly…and screamed at me that I “suck as a mother”. He then threatened to run away from home, begged to go back to his foster home and screamed “everyone hates me, no one loves me, I never get anything!!!” This is all textbook testing and not at all unique, but I hadn’t read that yet and it all hurt me deeply. I’m a very strong person and I’m more stubborn than anyone I know. No, I’m not boasting about that…but it’s helping me in these situations. I didn’t let Joey know he was getting to me until his temper tantrum was over. After about an hour of verbal battling, Joey was sitting on the floor of the garage next to the garage door with it raised about 2 feet. He was threatening to run away from home. I told him that I was making dinner for Josh. I told him that if he chose to leave, I would have to call the police because he wouldn’t be safe out there but I couldn’t follow him because I also had to keep Josh safe. I knew that he assumed I would follow him. Once he heard that I wouldn’t and why, I could visibly see him begin to rethink his position. After 15 minutes of just sitting there, he stood up, walked inside and asked what was for dinner. It amazes me how quickly he can get mad and how quickly he can let it go. I just don’t recover that easily.
Joey’s Temper Tantrum #2 resulted in my having to restrain him. That comes with all kinds of reporting requirements from the agencies and the state. For that reason, I documented the entire experience immediately following. That’s the reason I have so many details to include here.
On a Saturday morning, we planned to go to Brushy Creek Park to meet Kraig, Shelley, Piper and Devin. Before we left to go to the sprinkler park, I reminded them that they needed to get along or we would have to leave. I told them the first time one of them hurt the other or cried we’d have to leave. I had been told by the Case Managers to see these things as the first sign of a problem.
At the park, we parked and got out. We went to the sprinkler area. They walked off to play. Within a minute, Joey was back to me saying the water was cold. There were lots of kids there playing and their parents were mostly around the edges watching. Josh found someone’s buckets to play with. I started talking to a lady standing there about how the water is turned on. Josh and Joey came running up to me. The next thing I knew, they were splashing water all over someone’s bag that was set to the side. They were fighting and water was flying. Then they were both in front of me whining and pushing each other. Joey was holding his lip and said that Josh had hit him in the lip with the bucket. They started fighting. I told them to stop. They stopped and I asked Josh to apologize to Joey. Josh said no and sat down with his arms crossed over his chest. I said, ok then we’ll have to leave. I had told them that if they started this stuff we would have to leave and now I had to follow through with what I’d said. Joey started whining that he had wanted to meet Kraig and Shelley. I reminded him that I’d said they had to get along or we would leave. When we got to the car, I got towels out to dry them off. Josh let me dry him and he got in the car. Joey wouldn’t dry off and said he wasn’t leaving. He got that stubborn look in his eyes and I could tell he was going to go into his full temper tantrum. He got in the car with his wet bathing suit and refused to sit on a towel. I think he thinks that hurting the car hurts me. I got in the car. Josh buckled his seatbelt but Joey refused to buckle his seatbelt. I waited and he opened his door. I got out and closed his door. Then he opened Josh’s door. Josh pulled it closed. Joey opened his own door again. I turned around and asked him if this behavior ever got him what he wanted. He kept whining that he’d just wanted to meet Kraig and Shelley and now I was saying we had to leave and that isn’t right. I reminded him again that I’d said we would leave if they started arguing.
Then I thought he might buckle his seatbelt if I started driving. The opposite proved to be the case. I pulled out of the parking place and started driving slowly. Joey opened his door. I reached back and pulled it close and he opened it again. So, I pulled over about 50 yards from where we’d been parked and still in the parking lot. His door was open again. When I got out to shut his door again, he climbed over the seat into the front passenger seat and opened that door. He picked up the Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons in that door and held them up to me threatening to throw them out the door. I didn’t react at all, so he threw them out onto the ground. I went around and picked them up and said that we don’t litter. I put them back in the door and closed the door. When I’d been picking them up, Joey was climbing back to his seat on the driver’s side of the backseat. He opened his door again. I walked back around the car and we did that whole thing again…once Joey had thrown them out again, I went back around and picked them up, then I put them into my bag instead of back into the door. Then I just stood in the doorway of the front seat passenger side. He started crawling over the seat to get the coupons out of my bag. I took my bag out and put in on the ground outside the car myself. I put my purse out there too. Joey then laughed which was pretty spooky to me coming out of such anger.
Joey got out of the car and shut his door. He walked into the middle of the driveway and stood with his arms crossed blocking the way for cars. He was searching for ways to make me respond. When the first car came around, it slowly pulled around him. Because of where we were, I knew no one could accidently hit him and not see him. So, I didn’t go after him. The second car slowly pulled around him. The third one just stopped. After a long 5 seconds, Joey walked back to the car and leaned against the car allowing the passing car to move on. I thank all three of those families for understanding what we were going through. During all of this time, I was talking to Josh in the car. I told him I was sorry we were having to sit here in the car in the heat, but I reminded him that he had started the problem in the sprinkler park by hitting Joey in the face with the bucket and not saying he was sorry.
Joey opened his door and I had a glimmer of hope, but then he picked up the neck pillow and threatened to throw it at the next car that came by. He said he would throw it under their tires as the car came by. I could picture the panic of the driver not knowing what they’d run over, so I came back around the car and told him to get in the car. He said no. The anger in his eyes made him look like he was about to explode. I took the pillow away from him by force. He then called me a bastard. I told him I couldn’t be a bastard because I’m a girl. I shouldn’t have said anything at all, for lots of reasons, not the least of which was that what I’d said wasn’t even true, but was certainly unnecessary. Then he called me an A-S-S and I didn’t react. He started pulling the seal off of the car door frame. I tried to get between him and the seal, but that didn’t really work. He then spelled F-U-C-K. I said that spells fuck and he said “I know” and I said “me too”. Josh then pipes up and says “what are ya’ll doing spelling I thought you were fighting”. That made Joey laugh again, but stopped the spelling of dirty words. I shouldn’t have engaged in that conversation at all. I told him to get in the car so we could go home and he said no. Then he bit my left hand. I’m fully aware that I’m not handling this well. If I’d been handling it well, it would probably be over. But I have no idea what else to do. The result is that Joey is leading this dance and I’m following with no idea how to take the lead back…all the while trying not to let him know he’s leading.
He started hitting me in the arms, shoulders and chest. Then he leaned back and started kicking me hard in the stomach. That’s when I turned him around and put him in a restraint hold. We were outside the car at this point, but right next to the car and yet in the driveway. Joey struggled and screamed for help and cried and fought, but nothing got him out of the hold. No one was coming to help him. His legs gave way so I sat him down on the pavement and I leaned down and held him. The whole time I was holding him, I was also hugging him and telling him that I love him. As he screamed for help, I told him I was helping him. He was struggling to get away with all of his might. He bit my right hand and broke the skin…this one hurt. I’m not sure, but I think I held him for about 10 minutes or so. As he weakened, I told him that when he stopped fighting me I would let him go. He continued to fight for maybe another minute or two, then he seemed to stop. I slowly let him go, ready for him to start hitting me again and my needing to put him in the hold again. He didn’t, so I let him just sit on the pavement. He started to breath heavy like he might hyper-ventilate, but didn’t. Then he started to gag like he might throw-up, but didn’t. He leaned against the tire and just sat there looking around. I recognize this part from Tuesday and knew this would take some time but that he was giving in. I didn’t say a word. After about 10 minutes, Josh leaned over and said “Joey, can we go home now?” Joey didn’t respond. I opened my door, got in, started the car and shut my door. Joey said “You can’t leave me here.” I asked if he was sure. He said that would be child abuse, but might be good for him because then he could just play in the water sprinklers. I told him he wouldn’t be safe in the park alone. He got in the car, but still wouldn’t put on his seatbelt. I picked up my book and started to read. Every five minutes I said, Joey put on your seatbelt. About 15 minutes later, Joey said “I’ll only put it on if Josh asks me to.” Josh asked him to please put on his seatbelt and Joey said ok and did. Josh then said “And next time I’ll say I’m sorry.”
Once we were home, I was making lunch and Joey came in the kitchen. I told him to leave the kitchen and I would call when lunch was ready. He turned and walked away saying “I don’t know what’s wrong with her?” I said “Really? You don’t?” He said, “Yes I do, but I just wanted to tell you something.” I told him I didn’t want to hear it.
It was after this second temper tantrum that I learned that my participation in the conversations was exacerbating the problem. Every time I answered him or responded in any way, it fueled his fire. That’s when I learned about keeping my mouth shut and my emotions out of the way. Ok, I learned what I should do, but that doesn’t mean I’ve been perfect at doing it every time. Each time Joey starts to go into one of these episodes, I find myself getting sucked in. But so far I’ve been catching myself and staying silent until he works his way out of it. This strategy has caused the tantrums to become shorter and has made them easier for me to handle.
Joey’s Temper Tantrum #3 was in the morning before school. I still have no idea what started this one…could have been a bad dream, just waking up in a bad mood, or something at school that he didn’t want to do…who knows. I don’t even think Joey knew. The previous evening I had stayed up late filling out a form for school for his fundraiser that would earn Josh and him each a glow in the dark alien that grows when you put him in water. I thought he would be grateful that I’d done that because he really wanted the alien. I was having trouble getting him moving in the morning and he was very late getting to the breakfast table. Breakfast that day was an Eggo, which he loves, so I know this problem didn’t directly relate to breakfast. Instead of eating he went to lie on the coach and cry. I told him to go upstairs and get dressed and he could finish his breakfast on the way to school, but that we needed to get moving or they would both be late for school. “I don’t want to eat in the car because I’ll get the car messy.” Ok, then hurry and get dressed and maybe you can eat it quickly before we get in the car. Crying…but he went upstairs and got dressed. Then he scarfed down the Eggo and got in the car. About halfway to school he realized he hadn’t brushed his teeth and started screaming that I didn’t let him brush his teeth. He insisted that he wouldn’t get out of the car because he would have bad breath and the kids would all make fun of him. At least we were in the car so I was able to get Josh to school on time. When we got there, Joey refused to get out of the car. I told him that I wouldn’t give him the fundraiser form if he didn’t get out and go to class. He said I had to give it to him. He said I didn’t have any choice but to give it to him. He felt entitled, not grateful. I made a mental note to figure out how to work on his sense of entitlement in the future. I made the mistake of starting to drive back home. During the drive back home, I gave him the option of losing the use of the Wii and brushing his teeth or getting to keep the Wii…yes, I meant forever, not just temporarily. Josh doesn’t care about the Wii, so I felt comfortable using the game as a whole. He just said that he needed to brush his teeth. Once back at the school after having brushed his teeth he still wouldn’t get out of the car. I parked in the lot and started reading a book. He sat there for over 30 minutes going through every strategy he could come up with…(1) Badgering, he kept repeating that he had just needed to brush his teeth and now I’d taken away his alien and the Wii and how unfair that was; (2) Martyr, no one loves him, he never gets anything and now Josh would have an alien and he wouldn’t and how unfair that was; (3) Treats, he was going to make me pay by staying in the car until after lunch and getting me fired from my job; (4) Tantrums, tearless crying and screaming; (5) Violence, kicking the back of my seat, kicking the air vents, punching the middle armrest. Nothing seemed to work. I wasn’t backing down. Finally I told him he had 3 minutes to get out of the car and go to class or he would lose his new Longhorns jersey. At 3 minutes and 10 seconds he got out of the car. We both pretended he’d made it in 3 minutes. At that point he offered to trade me the Longhorns jersey for the form that would get him the alien. Wow…I consider that a really bad deal on his part, but then again I’m a big Longhorns fan. I agreed and gave him the form. We checked him in at the school office and he moped off to class. In the past hour, he’d lost the Wii, all of his accumulated allowance for the week and his Longhorns jersey. Bad morning. I went home and packed up the Wii. I still had the receipts for his jersey and it still had tags on it. Both were gone from the house before he came home that night. On the way home from daycare, Josh mentioned playing the Wii and I said “We don’t have a Wii anymore.” Josh said “What?” and Joey said “Remember I lost it this morning.” Oh. So they had discussed it and Joey was resigned to his consequences. I think Josh only brought it up because he was trying to find out if I’d really done what I’d said I would do. I’ve recently told them that they may be able to earn the Wii back someday, but I didn’t know how yet.
Josh’s temper tantrums are much more like every kid’s. When Josh is in a bad mood, he whines and cries easily. He’s a textbook introvert, so he clams up and refuses to talk. This gets under my skin much more than Joey’s strategies because it totally leaves me guessing. Well, that and the fact that Josh is exactly like me and I wouldn’t have known how to handle me as a kid either. Josh is extremely stubborn and has no interest in letting me know he cares what I think. There isn’t much I can share here as Josh’s temper tantrums sound like this…”Josh, please get dressed.” Silence. “Josh, you need to get dressed.” Silence. “Josh, are you listening to me.” Crying. “What’s wrong?” More crying. No words. I can continue asking questions, but I won’t get any information. He’ll just eventually get tired of crying and get dressed.
One of the guys at my office suggested I read “Magic 1-2-3”. He uses this strategy to discipline his kids. I read it and started to incorporate some of the counting into my discipline techniques. The book also has a companion book for the kids to read. That one introduces the concept to the kids with all of the reasons it’s good for the entire family. Joey read the book and, surprisingly, loves the idea. He is all about knowing what’s coming next. So, when I say “That’s 1” he has a full understanding of what will happen next. The book also explains that, even if he believes he shouldn’t be counted, the counting will continue if he doesn’t change his behavior. Since he’s read the book, every time I say “That’s 1” he has immediately stopped crying or refusing to brush his teeth or teasing Josh or whatever. Maybe it is magic.
I know we will continue to have tantrums, but the more we know each other and trust each other, the easier they will be. I really can’t wait for a year from now when every single thing we do isn’t new to us.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Flag Football
One of the things I imagined when I considered adopting was the idea of them playing sports. I've always really wanted to have to juggle various sports and buy all the gear and attend all the games and cheer them on! I didn't have one specific sport that I wanted them to be interested in...could be soccer, football, baseball, karate, tennis, whatever. On the first day that I met Josh and Joey, Joey said he wanted to play flag football. I told him that I'd look into it and find a place he could play. When I asked around, Upwards was suggested to me. Upwards is a local church flag football program. The literature promised fair play time, patient coaches and spiritual guidance. I was concerned that Joey is 8 and hadn't played before. I didn't want to have him join a more competitive league and never get to play or learn.
We went to Evaluations to let the coaches get to know the players skills and divide them properly into teams. That's where I found out that Joey has a great throwing arm, but he isn't such a great catcher. That's what Josh said, "Joe's not a great catcher" and that proved to be true. After we left the Evals that night, we were headed to swim lessons at Lifetime. In the car, Joey asked me why they had talked about prayer and the Bible. I explained that Upwards is a church league on a church's property. He started to cry and said "I don't want to play in a stupid Christian football league." "Why did you sign my up for a stupid church league." "When I tell my friends I play flag football, they'll make fun of me for not playing real football." It went on and on and on. This was particularly confusing to me as Joey loves to go to church each Sunday. He looks forward to it all week. He gets up easily on Sunday mornings and loves to tell me what he learned after church. He fully participates in saying Grace at mealtime and bedtime prayers at night. Honestly, this took me by surprise. I wondered at the time if he'd been disappointed in his performance at the Evals or if it had been harder than he expected, so he might have been using this as a decoy issue. At swim lessons he wouldn't get out of the car and just wanted to lay on the backseat and cry. Finally Josh told him that he needed to use the bathroom, so Joey stopped and we went into Lifetime to swim lessons. Always interesting what can make him stop. Two days later he was talking about how excited he was to play flag football. When I asked about it being a church league, he said "Yeah, I'm over that."
Registration for Upwards is down this season, maybe because of the economy, so fewer players are signed up. They decided that instead of splitting the players onto teams for the entire season, the teams would change each week. They will practice one Monday prior to the first Saturday and then for 1 hour on Saturday's before their games. Practice at 9am and the game at 10am. This is good and bad news. The good news is that I get Monday nights back. The bad news is that I thought Joey was getting 2 days of exercise. Oh well. The one Monday night practice went well. He didn't catch many balls, but he threw well and tried really hard. When I suggested to Joey that he might have an easier time catching the ball if he wore his glasses to play and then he could see it, he said he didn't want to wear his glasses and be a dork. He thought he didn't need them. It hasn't occured to him yet that people look dorkier not catching balls than they do wearing glasses. I've decided to let him come to that decision on his own.
After having an unforgettable drought this summer, Austin starts getting rain a few days before Joey's first game and we thought it might get rained out. Luckily the Upwards coaching staff were on the ball and moved the game into the gym. Football inside, you ask? Well...this is the first game for a bunch of kids most of whom have never played the sport before. They don't know about downs, lines of scrimmage, etc. The opportunity to run some plays, even without grass or punting, is fantastic! Meghan and Josh and I were Joey's cheering section. His team the first week was called the Cowboys. He sat out the first series and then got to be quarterback for his team's first offensive drive. He made more completions than anyone else. Many were to the other team, but they were completions nonetheless. The coaches stood right behind the quarterbacks and called the plays and told all the guys what to do. When a player has the ball and it running towards his goal, all the other boys just run along side. Most don't understand that they should be trying to pull the ball carrier's flag. When they would miraculously move the ball a few yards, they would all go back to the original line of scrimmage to line up. The coaches would call out to them and explain that they now need to line up at the new line of scrimmage. Can't help but start to wonder how and where I picked up my football knowledge. Obviously we all get taught sometime and this is these guys time. At the end of each game, the coaches give out stickers for their flags. This first week, Joey earned a blue star that represents Effort. He's so psyched up and can't wait for the next game.
That week, we took the football to the park almost every day. Joey and I threw it back and forth. We talked about watching the ball all the way into his hands. We talked about moving his feet to get to wherever the ball is. But mostly we just threw back and forth. The longer we'd practice the better he got. Maybe it's a good thing that practice is the hour before the game. Perhaps a long warm-up is exactly what Joey needs.
Yesterday was Joey's second game and his first outside. He says this was his first "real" game because it was outside and he got to wear his cleats and they had yardage markers. During last week we had gone to Academy and purchased cleats and a mouthguard. Earlier that day he had asked about looking for one of those things that go around the back of your head and hold your glasses on during sports. Ha!! I had waited long enough. He'd already decided that it might help him to be able to see better during play. We found an orange eyeglass tie that is sure to keep his glasses secure. During game two, Joey played even better than the first one. He pulled the flag of the best player during the first run of the game. He was always right in the action, but rarely in the huddle. As his team was on offense and in a huddle between plays, Joey always seemed to wander to the line of scrimmage and the refs would say "Joey, get back there and find out what the play is" or "Get on into the huddle Joey". He ran much faster and looked much more coordinated and comfortable which had to be the cleats. For this game, his cheering squad was Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Chris, Meghan, Josh, Sparkie, Charlie and I. He often seemed more interested in whether we were watching him than in playing the game. The coach gave him a Gold Star sticker this game for Sportsmanship. I love Joey's enthusiasm and optimism and patience and teamwork! And Joey is absolutely loving flag football!!
We went to Evaluations to let the coaches get to know the players skills and divide them properly into teams. That's where I found out that Joey has a great throwing arm, but he isn't such a great catcher. That's what Josh said, "Joe's not a great catcher" and that proved to be true. After we left the Evals that night, we were headed to swim lessons at Lifetime. In the car, Joey asked me why they had talked about prayer and the Bible. I explained that Upwards is a church league on a church's property. He started to cry and said "I don't want to play in a stupid Christian football league." "Why did you sign my up for a stupid church league." "When I tell my friends I play flag football, they'll make fun of me for not playing real football." It went on and on and on. This was particularly confusing to me as Joey loves to go to church each Sunday. He looks forward to it all week. He gets up easily on Sunday mornings and loves to tell me what he learned after church. He fully participates in saying Grace at mealtime and bedtime prayers at night. Honestly, this took me by surprise. I wondered at the time if he'd been disappointed in his performance at the Evals or if it had been harder than he expected, so he might have been using this as a decoy issue. At swim lessons he wouldn't get out of the car and just wanted to lay on the backseat and cry. Finally Josh told him that he needed to use the bathroom, so Joey stopped and we went into Lifetime to swim lessons. Always interesting what can make him stop. Two days later he was talking about how excited he was to play flag football. When I asked about it being a church league, he said "Yeah, I'm over that."
Registration for Upwards is down this season, maybe because of the economy, so fewer players are signed up. They decided that instead of splitting the players onto teams for the entire season, the teams would change each week. They will practice one Monday prior to the first Saturday and then for 1 hour on Saturday's before their games. Practice at 9am and the game at 10am. This is good and bad news. The good news is that I get Monday nights back. The bad news is that I thought Joey was getting 2 days of exercise. Oh well. The one Monday night practice went well. He didn't catch many balls, but he threw well and tried really hard. When I suggested to Joey that he might have an easier time catching the ball if he wore his glasses to play and then he could see it, he said he didn't want to wear his glasses and be a dork. He thought he didn't need them. It hasn't occured to him yet that people look dorkier not catching balls than they do wearing glasses. I've decided to let him come to that decision on his own.
After having an unforgettable drought this summer, Austin starts getting rain a few days before Joey's first game and we thought it might get rained out. Luckily the Upwards coaching staff were on the ball and moved the game into the gym. Football inside, you ask? Well...this is the first game for a bunch of kids most of whom have never played the sport before. They don't know about downs, lines of scrimmage, etc. The opportunity to run some plays, even without grass or punting, is fantastic! Meghan and Josh and I were Joey's cheering section. His team the first week was called the Cowboys. He sat out the first series and then got to be quarterback for his team's first offensive drive. He made more completions than anyone else. Many were to the other team, but they were completions nonetheless. The coaches stood right behind the quarterbacks and called the plays and told all the guys what to do. When a player has the ball and it running towards his goal, all the other boys just run along side. Most don't understand that they should be trying to pull the ball carrier's flag. When they would miraculously move the ball a few yards, they would all go back to the original line of scrimmage to line up. The coaches would call out to them and explain that they now need to line up at the new line of scrimmage. Can't help but start to wonder how and where I picked up my football knowledge. Obviously we all get taught sometime and this is these guys time. At the end of each game, the coaches give out stickers for their flags. This first week, Joey earned a blue star that represents Effort. He's so psyched up and can't wait for the next game.
That week, we took the football to the park almost every day. Joey and I threw it back and forth. We talked about watching the ball all the way into his hands. We talked about moving his feet to get to wherever the ball is. But mostly we just threw back and forth. The longer we'd practice the better he got. Maybe it's a good thing that practice is the hour before the game. Perhaps a long warm-up is exactly what Joey needs.
Yesterday was Joey's second game and his first outside. He says this was his first "real" game because it was outside and he got to wear his cleats and they had yardage markers. During last week we had gone to Academy and purchased cleats and a mouthguard. Earlier that day he had asked about looking for one of those things that go around the back of your head and hold your glasses on during sports. Ha!! I had waited long enough. He'd already decided that it might help him to be able to see better during play. We found an orange eyeglass tie that is sure to keep his glasses secure. During game two, Joey played even better than the first one. He pulled the flag of the best player during the first run of the game. He was always right in the action, but rarely in the huddle. As his team was on offense and in a huddle between plays, Joey always seemed to wander to the line of scrimmage and the refs would say "Joey, get back there and find out what the play is" or "Get on into the huddle Joey". He ran much faster and looked much more coordinated and comfortable which had to be the cleats. For this game, his cheering squad was Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Chris, Meghan, Josh, Sparkie, Charlie and I. He often seemed more interested in whether we were watching him than in playing the game. The coach gave him a Gold Star sticker this game for Sportsmanship. I love Joey's enthusiasm and optimism and patience and teamwork! And Joey is absolutely loving flag football!!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Time With Josh
Tonight Joey went to a high school football game with Nate and his sons...mens night out. I love that Nate is spending time with my sons. I believe that male influences in their lives are SO important and, luckily, so does Nate. Josh chose to spend the evening with me instead of going along and I felt so honored. I had invited Lorraine over for dinner, but I'd been feeling under the weather with head-clogging allergy symptoms, so I'd rescheduled for next week. After dinner, we dropped Joey off at the church to go to the game and Josh and I headed off for Academy. Josh needed a baseball glove, pants for game days and a few other baseball paraphenalia. We found a t-ball soft compression ball, a glove, and pants, then we found tall socks and some precious cleats. He decides that moment sitting on the floor of Academy is the exact right time to show me that he knows how to tie his own shoes. He tries the bunny ear method and it doesn't work, so I tie the first shoe. Then he tries the second one with the adult tie method he'd just witnessed and he just almost gets it exactly right. Man, he's smart!!
I led him to the dressing rooms so he could try on the baseball pants. We had smuggled his jersey in my purse so he could match the colors. He pulled on the baseball pants and slid on the jersey...he immediately starts dancing in the little dressing room and shaking his butt at the mirror. He's hilarious! But he thinks the pants don't fit him right because they are a bit high waisted and they are too long. I'm pretty sure this is how they are supposed to fit, so we decide to get them and hope they are right. He wants a baseball hat, so we go to the kids clothes department and adjust the only blue hat to be as small as possible and it just fits. So, Josh has all his loot and it's time to go.
When Josh realized we were going to Academy with just the two of us, like Joey and I had done a few days before and gotten some Gatorade, Josh asked if we could get Gatorade. I thought maybe we should do something different for just us instead of copying what Joey and I had done. Ice cream!! I asked Josh if he'd like to get some ice cream. YES! He asked me where we'd go and I suggested Baskin Robbins. He had only ever been to Dairy Queen for ice cream. Oh boy, this is going to be a fantastic time! As we walk to the door, he says "They only sell ice cream here?" Yes, they only sell ice cream here. Cool. As we wait in line, I asked him if he has a favorite ice cream flavor. He doesn't know. He looks a little lost, yet very excited. He peers through the glass at all of the big ice cream tubs as I tell him what flavor each holds. He decides on an Oreo Mint sugar cone. Me too! We take our cones to a table outside. As he studies his ice cream cone and begins to lick it, he watches me and mirrors my ice cream eating strategy. I don't say a word and let him just absorb the whole experience. He ends up with ice cream dripped all down his hand and all over his mouth with a huge grin and a very happy story. He says this is the best day ever, except maybe that first day we spent together. How sweet! Once home, we read two books and he went to sleep right at 8:30. I asked if he thought he'd have trouble going to sleep with Joey not being home yet and he didn't think he would. He didn't. So independent and confident!
Nate had estimated he'd drop Joey off at home around 9:30 and I decided it was further evidence that I'm really a mother that I watched each minute from 9:00 to 9:45 tick by while busying myself on phone calls and the computer. I finally called Nate just to see how far away they were. He was home by 9:51 and quietly in bed by 10:03. Nicely done! I think I may have a struggle on my hands in the morning when I try to get him up at 7:30 to go play his second flag football game, but I'm so happy that he had a great night!
I led him to the dressing rooms so he could try on the baseball pants. We had smuggled his jersey in my purse so he could match the colors. He pulled on the baseball pants and slid on the jersey...he immediately starts dancing in the little dressing room and shaking his butt at the mirror. He's hilarious! But he thinks the pants don't fit him right because they are a bit high waisted and they are too long. I'm pretty sure this is how they are supposed to fit, so we decide to get them and hope they are right. He wants a baseball hat, so we go to the kids clothes department and adjust the only blue hat to be as small as possible and it just fits. So, Josh has all his loot and it's time to go.
When Josh realized we were going to Academy with just the two of us, like Joey and I had done a few days before and gotten some Gatorade, Josh asked if we could get Gatorade. I thought maybe we should do something different for just us instead of copying what Joey and I had done. Ice cream!! I asked Josh if he'd like to get some ice cream. YES! He asked me where we'd go and I suggested Baskin Robbins. He had only ever been to Dairy Queen for ice cream. Oh boy, this is going to be a fantastic time! As we walk to the door, he says "They only sell ice cream here?" Yes, they only sell ice cream here. Cool. As we wait in line, I asked him if he has a favorite ice cream flavor. He doesn't know. He looks a little lost, yet very excited. He peers through the glass at all of the big ice cream tubs as I tell him what flavor each holds. He decides on an Oreo Mint sugar cone. Me too! We take our cones to a table outside. As he studies his ice cream cone and begins to lick it, he watches me and mirrors my ice cream eating strategy. I don't say a word and let him just absorb the whole experience. He ends up with ice cream dripped all down his hand and all over his mouth with a huge grin and a very happy story. He says this is the best day ever, except maybe that first day we spent together. How sweet! Once home, we read two books and he went to sleep right at 8:30. I asked if he thought he'd have trouble going to sleep with Joey not being home yet and he didn't think he would. He didn't. So independent and confident!
Nate had estimated he'd drop Joey off at home around 9:30 and I decided it was further evidence that I'm really a mother that I watched each minute from 9:00 to 9:45 tick by while busying myself on phone calls and the computer. I finally called Nate just to see how far away they were. He was home by 9:51 and quietly in bed by 10:03. Nicely done! I think I may have a struggle on my hands in the morning when I try to get him up at 7:30 to go play his second flag football game, but I'm so happy that he had a great night!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Just A Day
Today was just a regular day. Funny how quickly these days have become regular and yet are so different than my regular days just 3 months ago. This morning Joey didn't know what to wear and refused to get dressed. This went on long enough that we were almost late to school. After trying to help him pick out clothes and figuring out that no choice was going to meet his approval, I said to him "That's 1. Get dressed." and walked out of his room. He started whining that he wanted to wear his football uniform to school and didn't make any more towards getting dressed. I said "That's 2. Get dressed." He started crying his loud tearless sobs. I left and went into my room to get dressed. That should have been 3 with a consequence, but I hesitated because I knew 3 would make it worse. Pretty soon he stopped crying and got dressed and we went to school with him giving me lip the whole way. I so should have given him a 3...but I didn't. I hope that decision doesn't cause me to receive consequences. The most important thing for me to do right now is be extremely consistent...and that's a tough thing to accomplish when I'm learning how to parent along side them learning to be my sons.
Tonight, Josh got to meet his T-Ball coach and team and get his jersey. He's so excited to play T-Ball. I'm looking forward to helping him learn to play. His first game is next Tuesday night at 6:30. His team is the Marlins. This is going to be so much fun!!
Tonight, Josh got to meet his T-Ball coach and team and get his jersey. He's so excited to play T-Ball. I'm looking forward to helping him learn to play. His first game is next Tuesday night at 6:30. His team is the Marlins. This is going to be so much fun!!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
From that point to this one was a long road and I'll fill in the blanks later. But to seriously fast-forward, I now have Joshua and Joseph placed with me for adoption and we are a little family finding our way.
My intent with this blog is document our journey. So, I'll get on with it.
Today was a good day. A school day, but an Early Release school day. My first Early Release school day as a mom. Just another one of those things that I haven't had to think about and is suddenly a part of my life. Josh and Joey go to Stepping Stone School after school each day. So, after dropping them off for school this morning, I called Stepping Stone just to make sure they would be picking them up early. Of course they already knew to pick them up early...these folks are seriously on the ball!
People say it takes a village to raise a child. With that thought, I've assembled a village. Some help raise my children and some just make my life liveable. I mention this because the second hurdle of this morning was getting my dogs to Taurus for doggie daycare. They had to go to Taurus today because The Maids are coming to the house today to clean up all of our grime and dust and clutter and fur and such. The maids can do a much better job of cleaning if they aren't being assisted by Cooper and Quincy. The funny part of taking the dogs to daycare this morning is that I'm driving a little rental car right now because my 4Runner is having it's hail damage repaired. I couldn't fit the boys and the dogs in the car, so I went back home to get the dogs after dropping off the boys. Cooper rode in the front seat and Quincy sat in the backseat looking like one of those cartoons of an animal driving a car that is WAY to small. He's such a trooper he'll do anything to get to go for a trip in the car.
I left work to take Joey to see his Psychiatrist. Josh opted to stay at daycare which offered Joey and I some time alone. I truly cherish my time with each of my boys when I get to spend time with them alone. Joey has to see a Psychiatrist because he had been prescribed Sertraline prior to being placed with me. We are all working to weene him off if it, but that takes time and we don't want to act to quickly given that all of us...me, his psychiatrist, his therapist, etc...are all new to him. Can you imagine being 8 and in one day having a new mom, house, pets, school, friends, doctor, psychiatrist, therapist, bed...and the list goes on and on?
As we drive to the psychiatrist's office, Joey begins to ramble about absolutely anything. I wonder if he's getting nervous or if he's just taking advantage of having my attention. He holds my hand as we rush in. I tell him I don't remember if we need to go to the 2nd or the 3rd floor. He informs me that it's the 3rd floor as he remembers going to the top. He's absolutely right. Odd...sometimes he claims to have no memory. That should make all of the parents reading giggle. No surprises at the doctor's office. If Joey doesn't surprise either of us in the next 30 days, he'll take him off the Sertraline at our next visit in 4 weeks. Joey really wants to get off of the meds. He's been asking if I'll consider taking him off of the meds since we first met....which, if you are curious, was exactly 54 days ago...not even 2 months ago was the first day I met Joey. Wow.
After the psychiatrist's office, we head to Budget Optical to get his glasses adjusted so they might stop wandering down his nose. Next we head to Academy in search of football cleats, a mouthguard, a junior size football (he has a large one and a peewee one...but his team is playing with a junior size one...and I'm a perfectionist...go figure), a stretchy thing that will hold his glasses in place while playing sports and a Gatorade. Joey's been asking to drink Gatorade and I've been saying no. Honestly, I can't explain why but I haven't felt like that was a trend I wanted to start. When I saw the Gatorades in the cooler by the checkout, I decided it would be a great "event" thing, so I suggested he pick a flavor. He lit up and looked up at me and said "I can have one?" Oh what makes my heart melt! Joey is so sweet and so vulnerable...oh, and he gives the best hugs ever!! I get myself a Dr. Pepper as I've been fighting a sore throat for a few days and Dr. Pepper always helps. Joey offers to carry my Dr. Pepper for me and as we walk to the car he tells me he loves me and that I'm awesome and that he wouldn't know what he'd do without me. As we drive to pick up the dogs and take them home before picking Josh up from daycare, he tells me "When you told me I have a good arm to throw a football, it really made me feel good. So much that I've been telling people at school that my mom says I have a good throwing arm." I love Joey. I love him with all of my heart and I'm so touched that things I say to him make him feel good.
As is totally predictable, even to me..."the starter mom"...Josh is a bit jealous of the attention and stuff that Joey's received that afternoon. Naturally if Josh "had known" he would have come with us instead of staying at daycare. It doesn't help that daycare is tons more fun with Joey there than without, cause Josh likes to think he's the one in charge. Actually he is...but if you don't have anyone to be in charge of, being in charge means less. He's upset enough to sit in a ball in the garage and cry about being asked to close your car door after exiting. Hmmm. By not paying any attention to this, it stops fairly quickly and Josh moves on.
The evening is pleasant and bedtime is easy. Actually there's tons more to tell, but I'm getting tired and it's past my bedtime. Morning comes earlier these days and I need to get some sleep. More tomorrow.
My intent with this blog is document our journey. So, I'll get on with it.
Today was a good day. A school day, but an Early Release school day. My first Early Release school day as a mom. Just another one of those things that I haven't had to think about and is suddenly a part of my life. Josh and Joey go to Stepping Stone School after school each day. So, after dropping them off for school this morning, I called Stepping Stone just to make sure they would be picking them up early. Of course they already knew to pick them up early...these folks are seriously on the ball!
People say it takes a village to raise a child. With that thought, I've assembled a village. Some help raise my children and some just make my life liveable. I mention this because the second hurdle of this morning was getting my dogs to Taurus for doggie daycare. They had to go to Taurus today because The Maids are coming to the house today to clean up all of our grime and dust and clutter and fur and such. The maids can do a much better job of cleaning if they aren't being assisted by Cooper and Quincy. The funny part of taking the dogs to daycare this morning is that I'm driving a little rental car right now because my 4Runner is having it's hail damage repaired. I couldn't fit the boys and the dogs in the car, so I went back home to get the dogs after dropping off the boys. Cooper rode in the front seat and Quincy sat in the backseat looking like one of those cartoons of an animal driving a car that is WAY to small. He's such a trooper he'll do anything to get to go for a trip in the car.
I left work to take Joey to see his Psychiatrist. Josh opted to stay at daycare which offered Joey and I some time alone. I truly cherish my time with each of my boys when I get to spend time with them alone. Joey has to see a Psychiatrist because he had been prescribed Sertraline prior to being placed with me. We are all working to weene him off if it, but that takes time and we don't want to act to quickly given that all of us...me, his psychiatrist, his therapist, etc...are all new to him. Can you imagine being 8 and in one day having a new mom, house, pets, school, friends, doctor, psychiatrist, therapist, bed...and the list goes on and on?
As we drive to the psychiatrist's office, Joey begins to ramble about absolutely anything. I wonder if he's getting nervous or if he's just taking advantage of having my attention. He holds my hand as we rush in. I tell him I don't remember if we need to go to the 2nd or the 3rd floor. He informs me that it's the 3rd floor as he remembers going to the top. He's absolutely right. Odd...sometimes he claims to have no memory. That should make all of the parents reading giggle. No surprises at the doctor's office. If Joey doesn't surprise either of us in the next 30 days, he'll take him off the Sertraline at our next visit in 4 weeks. Joey really wants to get off of the meds. He's been asking if I'll consider taking him off of the meds since we first met....which, if you are curious, was exactly 54 days ago...not even 2 months ago was the first day I met Joey. Wow.
After the psychiatrist's office, we head to Budget Optical to get his glasses adjusted so they might stop wandering down his nose. Next we head to Academy in search of football cleats, a mouthguard, a junior size football (he has a large one and a peewee one...but his team is playing with a junior size one...and I'm a perfectionist...go figure), a stretchy thing that will hold his glasses in place while playing sports and a Gatorade. Joey's been asking to drink Gatorade and I've been saying no. Honestly, I can't explain why but I haven't felt like that was a trend I wanted to start. When I saw the Gatorades in the cooler by the checkout, I decided it would be a great "event" thing, so I suggested he pick a flavor. He lit up and looked up at me and said "I can have one?" Oh what makes my heart melt! Joey is so sweet and so vulnerable...oh, and he gives the best hugs ever!! I get myself a Dr. Pepper as I've been fighting a sore throat for a few days and Dr. Pepper always helps. Joey offers to carry my Dr. Pepper for me and as we walk to the car he tells me he loves me and that I'm awesome and that he wouldn't know what he'd do without me. As we drive to pick up the dogs and take them home before picking Josh up from daycare, he tells me "When you told me I have a good arm to throw a football, it really made me feel good. So much that I've been telling people at school that my mom says I have a good throwing arm." I love Joey. I love him with all of my heart and I'm so touched that things I say to him make him feel good.
As is totally predictable, even to me..."the starter mom"...Josh is a bit jealous of the attention and stuff that Joey's received that afternoon. Naturally if Josh "had known" he would have come with us instead of staying at daycare. It doesn't help that daycare is tons more fun with Joey there than without, cause Josh likes to think he's the one in charge. Actually he is...but if you don't have anyone to be in charge of, being in charge means less. He's upset enough to sit in a ball in the garage and cry about being asked to close your car door after exiting. Hmmm. By not paying any attention to this, it stops fairly quickly and Josh moves on.
The evening is pleasant and bedtime is easy. Actually there's tons more to tell, but I'm getting tired and it's past my bedtime. Morning comes earlier these days and I need to get some sleep. More tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Where the idea originated
In October 2008, Gateway Church led an experiment where we wore timepieces that beeped once per hour to remind us to stay connected to God throughout the day. The experiment was called 60-60 which refers to every 60 minutes for 60 days. Our pastor, John Burke, wrote a book called Soul Revolution that led us through the process. To fast forward from the beginning of the experiment to the point where I realize God wants me to adopt children, I'm pasting an extremely long email below that I sent to John Burke and Rick Shurtz, also a pastor at Gateway.
From: Kathleen Edwards
Sent: Sunday, November 09, 2008 11:07 PM
To: Rick Shurtz; John Burke
Subject: Oh My GOD!!
Rick and John...or John and Rick...WOW!
I'm having trouble breathing...anxiety attack I think. A result of being so darn connected with God. Thank you both very much!! No, really, I mean that. I think.
I'll give you a quick summary to catch you up to last Friday morning. I didn't really want to do the 60-60 experiment. I didn't NOT want to do it. I just wasn't excited about it. I've had experience before with watching others get true connections to God and being jealous, and with getting connections that were uncomfortable (see page 154 of Soul Revolution). Nonetheless, it sounded like a lot of trouble. During my small group meeting immediately before starting the experiment, my brilliant small group leader, Christine Lambden (my sister), reminded us of the theme of the Gateway women's retreat from 2 years before. It was "Jesus Loves Me, This I Know...but do I really know?" That reminder caused me to throw my hat in and say that if this experience could cause me to really believe that Jesus loves me, it's worth all the trouble.
Cut to the end of week 1 when I had just read that God talks to us through our own thoughts, through scripture, through other people and through our dreams. I had a dream that I needed to go to Houston and see my best friend from high school and give her a copy of the Soul Revolution. I didn't know if this was God or the power of suggestion. I was already scheduled to go to Houston, so calling her for dinner wasn't all that tough. I had to go by Gateway on my way out of town, so I picked up another copy of the book. Easy squeezy, right? Ok...it wasn't that easy cause, although she had come with me to church growing up, it wasn't as if Jesus had been in our conversations since. When my sister and I met her for dinner (yes, note that I brought my small group leader with me...smart eh?), she almost immediately revealed that she'd asked her husband of 15 years to move out barely 4 weeks prior. Just like John said, you can see God's urgings most clearly in hindsight. We listened, empathized and introduced her to Soul Revolution, which she agreed to try. Done...check...reasonably easy.
Next, I get back to Austin and we are at about 1.5 weeks into the experiment. I hear nothing, and I can't focus on my prayers. I can't even get myself to respond regularly to my beep...Like my sub-conscious thinks I've done my thing and now I don't have to play anymore. I'm really concerned so on Sunday I talk to Rick and plan to see him to discuss my lack of focus. Tuesday night is small group night and I haven't finished my reading of Chapter 7. As I'm rushing out of work late, I call my co-worker, who is also a friend, and give him an update on some things that had come up late in the day. He's immediately ticked off by the news I'm sharing and my gut reaction is to lie to him and tell him I had nothing to do with the decision that he's upset about, when that isn't really true. We get off the phone. I have this sick feeling in my gut that I think is anxiety as I'm running late and still need to finish my reading. When I get home I frantically read pages 112-116 trying to see parallels in my life so I can participate in group, and struggling to find any. (Head slapper, I know.) I get in the car to drive to small group and start to pray for God to slow my thoughts down, focus me and help me to see what He wants for me. I then mirror John's "I lied!" on page 114 and see all the parallels and thank God for helping me to see my sins and ask for help in rectifying them. My small group helped me that night as I managed to say my last 10% and get some great guidance. See how God is talking to me even in my lack of focus?
Next is meeting with Rick on the next Sunday and going through all of the above where he, thankfully, reassures me that all relationships go through ebbs and flows and my relationship with God is no different...that I'm listening and following His leadings and that I should be excited about all of it instead of concerned about not having focus every hour on the hour. I told Rick that I was a bit concerned that these were just warm-ups to something God might ask me to do that would be really hard. But, I know that if God asks me to do something I'm not ready to do, I can always say no.
Halfway through the next week, during a run in my neighborhood I'm praying and asking what I'm supposed to be working on. I hear, "Do you trust me?" (I know you both know that I didn't HEAR that, but that's the random thought that floated my way...if you know what I mean.) As a single woman with no kids, I often pray for God to give me someone to live life with. So, I jumped to the conclusion that we were talking about whether or not I trust God to keep me from making my inevitable bad decisions with men were He to bring me one. As I walked we had a little debate, I don't trust myself to make smart decisions with men and I don't think God will prevent me from making bad decisions, as He gave me free will. I got all tied up in this knot. So, on Sunday, I went up to talk to John after his message. John asked me if I have a strong small group support structure and running partners, which I do...and which I didn't have when I was making all my past bad decisions. He told me to know myself and know that God will lead me in the right direction as long as I stay connected to Him, but to TRUST my support group to keep me accountable and connected. Again, some fantastic pastoral advice from you guys!! Really, I love how accessable you both are and that you have helped me come to peace with some struggles.
This is, of course, why I've come to you with this newest doozy God has plopped on my doorstep. Yes, I'm aware that my quick summary was lengthy. Feel free to take a reading break if you need to, but you really don't want to miss this next part!!!
Lately I've "cleaned up my life"...some things intentionally and some not so intentionally. Through Gateway resources, I've educated myself in how God wants me to date and I am 100% onboard. I've lost interest in drinking more than a glass of wine or two once or twice a month. I've stopped watching violent tv shows as I don't need so many negative vibes in my life. In turn, I've found some empty space in my life. In all seriousness, I'm kind of bored. So, last week I have this dream where I find out I'm pregnant. I decide that this time I'll keep the baby. When asked about the father, I respond that he doesn't matter, this is my decision and I want to keep my baby. When I awake, of course this is a little disturbing as I'm clearly not pregnant. But not all dreams mean anything, so I blow it off. Then, I start getting bombarded with adoption ads on the TV and radio throughout the week. On Friday, there is an Adoption Forum at my worksite. I've considered adoption over the last few years, but never considered it as a viable solution to wanting kids as I don't have a husband and, my last 10% here is that I'm scared of newborns. The TV ads had said that "You don't have to raise a kid to raise them up." Seems like that means there are things I could do to help that fall short of actually adopting kids. So, I go to the Adoption Forum intent on asking what else I could do to help...babysit, donate money, etc. At that Adoption Forum and in the 2 days following it, my entire life changed.
Did you know that you don't need a husband to adopt? Do you know that you can adopt kids that are older so you don't have to deal with diapers or potty training? Do you see that when God asked me if I trust him, he wasn't talking about me trusting him to help me make smart decisions with men? Do you see that He's ready to give me someone to live life with? Do you see that He's telling me that He's prepared me to ADOPT A CHILD? ...or, as it turns out, TWO?????
Oh My GOD! And that part about my being able to say no is ridiculous! Unless I can convince myself that these urgings are all my imagination, which I'm sorely failing at doing, I don't have a single No in my arsenal. God has provided me with a house, a great paying job, an empty life, an overflowing heart and now...after years of asking for a role in the world...after years of asking why I don't have a family...after years of asking what He has in mind for me...now He tells me. And it seems so right. It seems so obvious. I feel like I'm going to explode...with love...with joy...and with fear. I'm scared to death. I have a great family and fantastic small group. I hold you two personally responsible for encouraging me to stay so connected to God! And I'm having trouble breathing...
In Him, Kathleen
Rick's response was:
From: Rick Shurtz
To: Kathleen Edwards
Sent: Thursday, November 13, 2008 5:07:23 PM
Subject: RE: Oh My GOD!!
Wow! I just read your email. I can’t wait to hear the end of this story. I saw that you copied Theresa on the email. She’d be a great person to talk with in that they recently adopted three great kids. There are far too many kids in Austin without good families. You’d be giving an amazing gift.
From: Kathleen Edwards
Sent: Sunday, November 09, 2008 11:07 PM
To: Rick Shurtz; John Burke
Subject: Oh My GOD!!
Rick and John...or John and Rick...WOW!
I'm having trouble breathing...anxiety attack I think. A result of being so darn connected with God. Thank you both very much!! No, really, I mean that. I think.
I'll give you a quick summary to catch you up to last Friday morning. I didn't really want to do the 60-60 experiment. I didn't NOT want to do it. I just wasn't excited about it. I've had experience before with watching others get true connections to God and being jealous, and with getting connections that were uncomfortable (see page 154 of Soul Revolution). Nonetheless, it sounded like a lot of trouble. During my small group meeting immediately before starting the experiment, my brilliant small group leader, Christine Lambden (my sister), reminded us of the theme of the Gateway women's retreat from 2 years before. It was "Jesus Loves Me, This I Know...but do I really know?" That reminder caused me to throw my hat in and say that if this experience could cause me to really believe that Jesus loves me, it's worth all the trouble.
Cut to the end of week 1 when I had just read that God talks to us through our own thoughts, through scripture, through other people and through our dreams. I had a dream that I needed to go to Houston and see my best friend from high school and give her a copy of the Soul Revolution. I didn't know if this was God or the power of suggestion. I was already scheduled to go to Houston, so calling her for dinner wasn't all that tough. I had to go by Gateway on my way out of town, so I picked up another copy of the book. Easy squeezy, right? Ok...it wasn't that easy cause, although she had come with me to church growing up, it wasn't as if Jesus had been in our conversations since. When my sister and I met her for dinner (yes, note that I brought my small group leader with me...smart eh?), she almost immediately revealed that she'd asked her husband of 15 years to move out barely 4 weeks prior. Just like John said, you can see God's urgings most clearly in hindsight. We listened, empathized and introduced her to Soul Revolution, which she agreed to try. Done...check...reasonably easy.
Next, I get back to Austin and we are at about 1.5 weeks into the experiment. I hear nothing, and I can't focus on my prayers. I can't even get myself to respond regularly to my beep...Like my sub-conscious thinks I've done my thing and now I don't have to play anymore. I'm really concerned so on Sunday I talk to Rick and plan to see him to discuss my lack of focus. Tuesday night is small group night and I haven't finished my reading of Chapter 7. As I'm rushing out of work late, I call my co-worker, who is also a friend, and give him an update on some things that had come up late in the day. He's immediately ticked off by the news I'm sharing and my gut reaction is to lie to him and tell him I had nothing to do with the decision that he's upset about, when that isn't really true. We get off the phone. I have this sick feeling in my gut that I think is anxiety as I'm running late and still need to finish my reading. When I get home I frantically read pages 112-116 trying to see parallels in my life so I can participate in group, and struggling to find any. (Head slapper, I know.) I get in the car to drive to small group and start to pray for God to slow my thoughts down, focus me and help me to see what He wants for me. I then mirror John's "I lied!" on page 114 and see all the parallels and thank God for helping me to see my sins and ask for help in rectifying them. My small group helped me that night as I managed to say my last 10% and get some great guidance. See how God is talking to me even in my lack of focus?
Next is meeting with Rick on the next Sunday and going through all of the above where he, thankfully, reassures me that all relationships go through ebbs and flows and my relationship with God is no different...that I'm listening and following His leadings and that I should be excited about all of it instead of concerned about not having focus every hour on the hour. I told Rick that I was a bit concerned that these were just warm-ups to something God might ask me to do that would be really hard. But, I know that if God asks me to do something I'm not ready to do, I can always say no.
Halfway through the next week, during a run in my neighborhood I'm praying and asking what I'm supposed to be working on. I hear, "Do you trust me?" (I know you both know that I didn't HEAR that, but that's the random thought that floated my way...if you know what I mean.) As a single woman with no kids, I often pray for God to give me someone to live life with. So, I jumped to the conclusion that we were talking about whether or not I trust God to keep me from making my inevitable bad decisions with men were He to bring me one. As I walked we had a little debate, I don't trust myself to make smart decisions with men and I don't think God will prevent me from making bad decisions, as He gave me free will. I got all tied up in this knot. So, on Sunday, I went up to talk to John after his message. John asked me if I have a strong small group support structure and running partners, which I do...and which I didn't have when I was making all my past bad decisions. He told me to know myself and know that God will lead me in the right direction as long as I stay connected to Him, but to TRUST my support group to keep me accountable and connected. Again, some fantastic pastoral advice from you guys!! Really, I love how accessable you both are and that you have helped me come to peace with some struggles.
This is, of course, why I've come to you with this newest doozy God has plopped on my doorstep. Yes, I'm aware that my quick summary was lengthy. Feel free to take a reading break if you need to, but you really don't want to miss this next part!!!
Lately I've "cleaned up my life"...some things intentionally and some not so intentionally. Through Gateway resources, I've educated myself in how God wants me to date and I am 100% onboard. I've lost interest in drinking more than a glass of wine or two once or twice a month. I've stopped watching violent tv shows as I don't need so many negative vibes in my life. In turn, I've found some empty space in my life. In all seriousness, I'm kind of bored. So, last week I have this dream where I find out I'm pregnant. I decide that this time I'll keep the baby. When asked about the father, I respond that he doesn't matter, this is my decision and I want to keep my baby. When I awake, of course this is a little disturbing as I'm clearly not pregnant. But not all dreams mean anything, so I blow it off. Then, I start getting bombarded with adoption ads on the TV and radio throughout the week. On Friday, there is an Adoption Forum at my worksite. I've considered adoption over the last few years, but never considered it as a viable solution to wanting kids as I don't have a husband and, my last 10% here is that I'm scared of newborns. The TV ads had said that "You don't have to raise a kid to raise them up." Seems like that means there are things I could do to help that fall short of actually adopting kids. So, I go to the Adoption Forum intent on asking what else I could do to help...babysit, donate money, etc. At that Adoption Forum and in the 2 days following it, my entire life changed.
Did you know that you don't need a husband to adopt? Do you know that you can adopt kids that are older so you don't have to deal with diapers or potty training? Do you see that when God asked me if I trust him, he wasn't talking about me trusting him to help me make smart decisions with men? Do you see that He's ready to give me someone to live life with? Do you see that He's telling me that He's prepared me to ADOPT A CHILD? ...or, as it turns out, TWO?????
Oh My GOD! And that part about my being able to say no is ridiculous! Unless I can convince myself that these urgings are all my imagination, which I'm sorely failing at doing, I don't have a single No in my arsenal. God has provided me with a house, a great paying job, an empty life, an overflowing heart and now...after years of asking for a role in the world...after years of asking why I don't have a family...after years of asking what He has in mind for me...now He tells me. And it seems so right. It seems so obvious. I feel like I'm going to explode...with love...with joy...and with fear. I'm scared to death. I have a great family and fantastic small group. I hold you two personally responsible for encouraging me to stay so connected to God! And I'm having trouble breathing...
In Him, Kathleen
Rick's response was:
From: Rick Shurtz
To: Kathleen Edwards
Sent: Thursday, November 13, 2008 5:07:23 PM
Subject: RE: Oh My GOD!!
Wow! I just read your email. I can’t wait to hear the end of this story. I saw that you copied Theresa on the email. She’d be a great person to talk with in that they recently adopted three great kids. There are far too many kids in Austin without good families. You’d be giving an amazing gift.
Monday, September 14, 2009
The Beginning
Hello. People have been telling me I should be blogging or journaling for quite a while now and I'm not entirely sure why I haven't been. Maybe I was intimidated by the idea. Maybe I'm afraid of who will read my blog. Maybe I'm just too busy to sit down each night and put in an entry. I've got so much to say that I can't possibly say it all. And I realize not documenting anything is hardly the wise response to being afraid I can't document everything. Whatever the reason, I've decided that every story has to begin sometime.
I hope I go back and tell some of the beginning parts of this story. Perhaps I'll get some of my early emails explaining my journey and paste them in here. Perhaps I'll just throw in a story from the past year every now and then. One way or the other you'll get the idea soon enough.
People think I should be blogging because I'm in the process of adopting kids. The past year has been an absolute roller coaster and then the real tidal wave came along when the kids were placed with me. Whew! What a ride!
My game plan for now is to write what each day is like with some background stories here and there. I hope I don't embarrass my kids or anyone in my family by sharing my stories. Much of the reason that I've decided to start doing this for all of them to get some of the stories that I forget to tell. And I love my life right now and I can't wait to start telling you about it. Well, yes I can wait...cause I'm going to wait...until tomorrow. Good night!!
I hope I go back and tell some of the beginning parts of this story. Perhaps I'll get some of my early emails explaining my journey and paste them in here. Perhaps I'll just throw in a story from the past year every now and then. One way or the other you'll get the idea soon enough.
People think I should be blogging because I'm in the process of adopting kids. The past year has been an absolute roller coaster and then the real tidal wave came along when the kids were placed with me. Whew! What a ride!
My game plan for now is to write what each day is like with some background stories here and there. I hope I don't embarrass my kids or anyone in my family by sharing my stories. Much of the reason that I've decided to start doing this for all of them to get some of the stories that I forget to tell. And I love my life right now and I can't wait to start telling you about it. Well, yes I can wait...cause I'm going to wait...until tomorrow. Good night!!
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