Do We Have A Maid?

We were sitting at Schlotzsky's having lunch on December 27th when Josh said, "Do we have a maid?"

I answered, "Yes."

He sat quietly thinking for a minute, then he said, "Seemed like it was the same guy who took our order that made our sandwiches."

I sat quietly thinking for a minute, then I said, "I don't understand, sweetie." Then it hit me, "Are you asking if we have a waitress?" He got very excited and replied, "Yes, that's what I mean...Do we have a waitress?"

We discussed how they hadn't been to any restaurants with waitresses before they came to live with me, so they aren't really very familiar with the word. They only ate at Jack In The Box and at home with their biological family. Then they just ate at home and drive-thru fast food restaurants in foster care.

The first time we ate in a sit-down restauarant was Waterloo Ice House and I remember them mentioning what a nice restaurant it was. Now, nothing against Waterloo, but I don't think of it as a really "nice" place...I don't even think they are going for "nice". But it does have waitresses and you do pay a check.

This day at Schlotzsky's reminded me again what a huge change coming to live with me has been for the boys and how remarkably smoothly it's gone. As a matter of fact, they handled eating in "nice" restaurants so well that it's easy for me to forget they haven't been doing it for long.

Second Grade Truce

Wednesday night, right before bed, I asked Joey how his day had gone. He said fine. I asked if anything good happened. Not really. Did anything bad happen? “No, well except when I got hit in the nuts with a lunchbox.” Oh? Are you okay? He said yes, and suggested I could probably guess who it was. Josiah? Yes, but it was an accident. I told him I was proud of him for knowing that it was an accident given their recent history. He said they had talked on Monday and agreed to stop kicking each other in the privates. Plus, Josiah was looking the other way and swinging his lunchbox. He couldn’t have done it on purpose. That’s when I gave him a huge hug and told him how mature it was for them to discuss the problem and agree to a truce. I gave him a chip for making such a smart decision.

A carrot or a stick?

Don’t worry. I’ve not really used a stick. But I’m trying to switch from taking things away when they misbehave (stick) to giving them positive things when they behave (carrot). The new plan was introduced to me by Pathways’ super nanny, Linda. Linda suggested that I start giving the boys something like poker chips when they do something I like and provide them with a schedule of what they can trade the chips in to get.

I borrowed my sister’s poker chips and bought them each clear plastic boxes to keep their chips in. I bought letter stickers to put their names on the boxes and gave them stickers to decorate them. I made a list of things they can trade the chips for…15 minutes of Wii time, 15 minutes of TV time, go on a walk with Mom, etc. The boys are both very excited about this. It only took them a few days to stop telling me that I should give them a chip for this or that. I kept explaining that it had to be something I thought of, not set behavior or at their suggestion.

Mostly I have used this strategy exactly as Linda intended…but a few times I found myself twisting it just a little. For example, when Joey is arguing with everything I say, I might give Josh a chip for not arguing with everything I say. Or when Josh whines about having to take a bath, I might give Joey a chip for taking a bath without a fuss. This isn’t the best to use the strategy…but it works just as good as giving them chips for good behavior when the other one isn’t misbehaving.

Drowning in Christmas Presents

I know it sounds ungrateful and I am anything but ungrateful, and yet...the boys are getting WAY too many toys right now. I remember hearing in Pride training that they would get a bunch of toys for their first Christmas with me...but I guess I didn't know what that meant. To add to it, Josh's birthday just passed, so he's just been showered with presents.

Now we have Christmas and I can't even believe what we are receiving. My adoption agency had a Christmas party and they each received 3 packages which each held at least 3 toys. That was about 9 toys each at that one party. Then CPS is sending them each a large box filled with toys which I should receive in a few days. Everyone in my family has been anxiously awaiting our first Christmas together and none of us is very good at self-control when it comes to giving presents. And on top of that, Santa's been told where we'll be spending the night on Christmas Eve!

Both Josh and Joey have practically emptied their toy bins into our Charity bin in anticipation of the rush of new toys. I'm particularly appreciative of that because I don't know where we'd put them all if they hadn't. I'm not sure it was done in a truly giving spirit, but whatever. This is going to be a fun Christmas morning and everyone in my family has been excited about having kids there to open presents for...well, for years. My sister and I have been happily filling the kid role for 40 plus years, but we are just as eager to step aside and watch some new blood ravish the wrapping paper.

On the other hand, I don't want to raise spoiled children. I want them to understand the true meaning of Christmas. I want them to value family time and cherish the spirit of giving. And I want them to understand that Christmas is the celebration of Jesus' birth and what that means to them. They each have a strong belief in God and they are beginning to understand that Jesus came to offer us salvation. But, that's a pretty heavy concept for kids. So, for now...they really love Santa and presents and pie!!

It Worked!!

I can't believe it worked. I mean, I can...but seriously I had doubts. I've been reading Supernanny's book and our case managers and therapists have been giving me advice. We've been trying to figure out how to head Joey's temper tantrums off before he explodes. They've told me to redirect him, try to distract him, or include him in whatever's going on when he seems to be starting up.

Saturday morning, Joey turned off the light and closed the bathroom door while Josh was using the bathroom. Obviously this was intended to freak Josh out. It worked. Josh screamed, finished his business and ran out of the bathroom, across the room and slugged Joey hard in the side. I hadn't seen what Joey did, but I saw what Josh did. Josh was immediately put into timeout. For the entire 7 minutes, he cried and screamed and whined about how it was all Joey's fault. However noisy he was, he did stay in the timeout spot for the full 7 minutes. After, he explained what he had done wrong, apologized and gave me a big hug.

During Josh's timeout, Joey came downstairs and into the kitchen where I was doing dishes. He was strutting so I asked him if he thought it was cool to freak Josh out. He said he was just playing. I told him that I didn't consider his behavior "playing". He starting to whine..."You never believe me. You only like Josh. You don't even like me. You always believe him over me. You only like little kids. You're mean." ...etc. I pointed out that Josh is the one that was in timeout. This made him pause for a second, but he was able to just throw that little fact out and keep going. That was when it occurred to me that it looked like we were headed into a tantrum. So, I very calmly said, "Joey, would you please help me empty the dishwasher?" He paused, took a big Harumph and silently started emptying the dishwasher. After a few minutes, I started to leave the kitchen, then stopped, turned back and said "Thank you for helping me." He just looked at me then rolled his eyes. I said "Joey?" and he said "You're welcome." ...and it was over.

Wow. Amazing as well was that it worked again a few hours later. Then, a few hours after that, I asked him to come close on the sofa and I said "Joey, twice today it's looked like you were headed into a temper tantrum. Both times you were able to pull back out of it. I'm really proud of you for that." He nodded and looked cautious, but proud.

I went on "You seem edgy today. Do you feel edgy today?"

"No."

"I'd rather not go there if we can avoid it. Would you rather avoid that too?"

"Yes."

"Ok, let's see if we can get through the day."

"Okay." And we did. This is a miraculous step forward for us!!!

Sent to the Principal's Office

Joey was sent to the principal’s office at school yesterday for the first time. Slightly after 10am in the morning, his teacher called me to tell me he had been sent to the principal’s office for aggressive behavior…specifically for kicking another boy in the privates. Joey? That sounds more like Josh. But let me back up just a bit. In the last few weeks, Josh has gotten much more physically aggressive towards Joey at home. Josh is always hitting or kicking. When I’ve told Josh not to hit and to keep his hands and feet to himself, he’s confused. Evidently no one has ever told him this before. Joey tells me Josh got away with being physical at the foster home because he was so much smaller than everyone else, so he never really hurt anyone. Well, in the last two weeks or so, Josh has walked up to Joey and punched him in the privates at least twice. Joey immediately falls to the floor crying. So far, Joey has never fought back. This is why it took me by surprise that his teacher was telling me that Joey did this.

On the other hand, it’s possible that Joey can’t fight back with Josh because Josh is so much smaller, so he’s taking it out on the kid at school. Another possibility is that Josh’s actions offered Joey a new weapon for his arsenal and he’s using it.

In any case, Joey’s teacher explained that she didn’t think he’d acted out of meanness. I said, “So, you think it was an accident?” And she said, “Well, no.” She had tried to talk to Joey about it but he was so upset that he was going to the principal’s office that he shut down and stopped talking. His teacher said the principal would be calling me and she had just wanted to give me a heads up.

The asst. principal called within an hour. She said she had Joey there with her and needed to report an incident of aggression towards his classmates to me.

Here’s what she described:

Joey came to the principal’s office because he had knee’d another boy in the privates. He embellished his story, so the other kids that had been near, including the boy who had been hurt, were brought in to investigate and try to find the truth. Apparently many of the kids had different stories of what they were talking about while lining up to go to recess, but the most repeated story was that they had been discussing a time when Joey had knee’d another boy in the boys bathroom. At this point, it was reported that Joey knee’d the boy. She didn’t tell me what the embellishment consisted of or who any of the kids involved were. Joey was given a written warning for his first offense and, because of the seriousness of the incident, he would have to eat lunch apart from his class for two days. She asked me to call after I’d talked to him if I found out anything more. My response was that I thought the consequence was appropriate but to note that Joey’s temper trigger seems to be rejection and being isolated. I just wanted her to be alert that this consequence could cause him to escalate. I also told her about Josh’s recent behavior and that it could have contributed to Joey’s even thinking to attack in this way. She appreciated the additional information.

I had all afternoon to formulate my strategy for the evening as I didn’t get another call. Much of me worried that Joey would escalate and that I would hear from them again…but I didn’t. This fact shouldn’t be skirted over…do you see what this means? Joey managed to get into trouble, receive consequences and NOT escalate the situation! Part of my strategy would be to praise him for that. Also, I planned to ask him how it felt to be walking to the principal’s office knowing he would be getting into trouble…and what he thought about the consequences he was given…and how he had felt when we walked back into the classroom. I had a plan that I hoped would prevent an additional blowup and possibly get me more information on what had happened.

I picked the boys up at daycare at 4:50pm. Joey’s Fit Academy class starts at 5:00pm so we were in a hurry as usual. Josh seemed very excited and asked “Are we going home?” I said “Home? No silly. We are going to the gym.” Joey quickly got his things and kind of avoided looking at me. As we were getting in the car, Josh started telling me that Joey had told him what happened. He wanted to get into the details. Joey wanted Josh to not bring it up. Finally Joey said “Mom, are you mad?” and I said no. I asked him if he thought that behavior was okay with me. He said no. I nodded and told him he was right and that I knew he knew that so I didn’t see any point in beating him over the head with it. He took a deep breath and said “Whew!” I told him we would discuss it later and proceeded to change the subject to casually talk about other things.

Josh seemed to be both frustrated and mad that Joey didn’t get in trouble with me. Perhaps that’s because Josh gets in trouble for hurting Joey this way. After the class, I asked Josh if he was upset that I wasn’t upset with Joey. He said no. He thought about it a minute and then he said he didn’t understand why Joey DID get in trouble at school. He said that boys do that all the time and don’t get into trouble. I asked who and he said people he didn’t know. I don’t know if this is true or not, but I explained that they should get into trouble and why this is not allowed.

The rest of our evening was about dinner and homework. Once Josh was asleep and Joey had finished his homework, he and I sat down on the couch to discuss what had happened. I was prepared to hear “embellishment” and excuses, so I reminded him that he wasn’t in trouble at home so there was no reason to lie. And I started the conversation asking when he had hurt the first boy in the bathroom, what day was that? He was confused by the question because it had been earlier in the morning on the same day. Then I mentioned that the incidents had been with more than one boy and he said no just Josiah. So, immediately I get to two things that differ from what the principal had been told. But it makes more sense to me that it was just one boy and one day.

Joey claims that he and Josiah were playing around in the bathroom and Joey accidentally knee’d Josiah. Josiah didn’t tell the teacher about that. But then when they were lining up for recess Joey and Josiah were discussing that Joey had done that and Josiah knees Joey back. No one sees this, but it makes Joey mad so he knees Josiah back. By this point they were making noise and the other kids had turned around and only saw what Joey did, not what Josiah had done. He said no one believed him that Josiah had hurt him first. At this point, I took Joey back to the bathroom scene so he could understand that he had started it in the first place so Josiah hadn’t actually hurt Joey first.

He said that Josiah was going to want revenge and that Joey wanted revenge too. I asked what he meant by him wanting revenge and he said “I want Josiah to get in trouble if he comes after me.” When I asked if he knew how to make that happen, he explained that his plan is to make sure there is someone right by him anytime Josiah is near him and that he’ll tell the teacher right away if Josiah hurts him. Right answer!

Joey biggest complaint was that no one believed him. He said that for a minute in the principal’s office he thought he was winning but then he lost. When I asked him what he meant by winning he said it looked like they were going to believe him but then they all believe Josiah in the end.

I know most mothers want to believe their kids over other people and they want to believe their kids couldn’t possibly do what they’ve been accused of…but I’m kind of the opposite. Given my history so far with Joey, I tend to think he’s lying to me and that he most likely did what the majority of the kids say. But, in this case, Joey’s story made much more sense than what had been pieced together by the principal. Joey loves school and he loves his friends and he loves being liked by everyone. Joey hates getting into trouble at school. It’s highly unlikely that he was just going around hurting various kids with no provocation at all. I am in no way condoning his behavior as he was the aggressor here. But I’m able to help him learn how to not get himself in this situation in the first place.

We talked about he felt throughout just like I’d planned. He said it was scary when he didn’t know what his consequence would be. He has to eat lunch in the principal’s office in silence. That’s better than what I had pictured with him at a table by himself in the lunchroom for all the kids to start at. He didn’t like eating in the office, but he said he made the best of it and even kind of had fun by himself. Wow…I’m so impressed! I told him I was proud of him for making the best of the situation. He said that he is probably now the most hated kid in his class. I asked him how he would feel about one of his classmates if this had happened to them. He thought about this for a minute or so and then said he thought he would feel bad for them. I agreed and said that his classmates will probably feel bad for him as well and not to worry about it.

This morning I went to visit the principal and explain just a few things: (1) only Joey and Josiah have been involved so they need to be watched, (2) they might not be finished with this little battle so they need to be watched, (3) this all happened on one day, not spread over a few days, and (4) I actually against all odds believe that Josiah kicked Joey in the hall, but that I don’t think that should change anything about Joey’s consequences.

I’ve asked some men why guys do this to each other and they have explained that it’s just a method to exploit another’s weakness. Huh. Sometimes they are a mystery!

Josh's 7th Birthday Party

Josh's 7th Birthday is next Wednesday, December 9th. But we had his "fake birthday" yesterday. The boys say he is now "fake 7". What that really means is that we had his birthday party yesterday. We held it at Extreme Fun which is a bouncy house place and he had 10 of his friends to celebrate with him. It was fantastic!! No one cried, fought, peed or puked. He got a great variety of presents: laser guns, art supplies, puppets, Legos, a bike horn, action figures, etc. His friend Piper's mom made cupcakes that were delicious and we all ate pizza. It was easily one of the best birthday parties I've even been to!! So, my first attempt at giving a child's birthday party was a SUCCESS!!!