Once I’d decided to adopt…really decided…then I started fantasizing about how I would fit these unknown children into my home. I have a three bedroom house with a loft area that had been set up as a pretty comfortable exercise room. One extra bedroom was my office and the other is an extra bedroom for Mom and Mel to stay in when they visit…or anyone else, but no one else visits. In any case, where would I put the imaginary boys?
I was trying to decide if they should go in one room or two. Well, doesn’t it depend on how many of them I get? I decided to imagine two. Should they share a room or get their own? Should I give them the choice? One of my Facebook friends suggested that what kids want most is to know that I’m decisive and dependable. He said I should decide and tell them, not wait and ask them.
I decided to put them in the office. So, I methodically started getting rid of all of the office furniture and as much of the paperwork and books as possible. Anything work related, I took to the office. Then I created a new office in the closet in the loft. Yes, that’s what I said. I put a file cabinet in there and lots of shelves. My goal was to get my office needs reduced enough to fit in a closet. I’m happy to report that I was successful in that endeavor. Once the room was emptying out, I was ready to fill it. But I didn’t have kids yet…didn’t even know how many or what ages I would end up with. The room stayed empty.
When I learned of Josh and Joey, I was ready to start buying bunk beds and such, but the case managers told me to hold on. They said I could get rid of anything that, if everything was to fall through, I’d still have wanted to get rid of. They cautioned that anything can happen in these situations and to just be patient. Ha! Be patient? Ugh. The room stayed empty.
Once I’d been picked to get Josh and Joey, I knew much more about what furniture I would want. I decided on bunk beds. Can I buy furniture yet? Yes, but be careful. I went to Rooms to Go Kids and found the coolest set of wooden bunk beds with a matching tall dresser and bookshelf. It was pretty expensive, but my kids are worth it! They had 0% financing that day so I wanted to buy it, but I was supposed to “be careful”. Hmmm…When I asked about returning the furniture if it was never used, they explained their policy. After it’s delivered and assembled, it’s mine. No returns. But before it’s delivered, I could delay delivery or cancel delivery and get something else. No option was to cancel altogether. I decided to go ahead and buy the furniture but to put off delivery for a few weeks. Once I knew when the Presentation Staffing would be I could call and delay delivery until after that. The concern, of course, was that something might go awry that day and I’d have furniture for kids I wasn’t getting. A few days before the delivery date, I called and delayed a few more weeks because the Presentation Staffing still hadn’t been scheduled. This happened a few times. Finally, the staffing was scheduled for July 23rd. I called and schedule my furniture delivery for Friday, July 31st.
The walls in their room were eggshell color and had splotches of sheetrock repair that had been behind pictures. Obviously I needed to paint. What color? One color? A design? To decide I went to an expert. My friend’s 11 year old son, Gavin. I asked him what color he would have wanted his room to be when he was 7 years old. His answer was quick and decisive. Blue. Okay then, blue is what it would be. He was so certain, I never questioned the choice again. I went to Lowe’s and compared tons of blues. I had saved 2 cartoon prints from the pool room I’d had in a previous house and I’d decided to put those in the boys’ room. One was of Taz dunking a basketball and the other was of Sylvester staring at Tweety in his cage. I took home the paint cards and compared them to the prints to pick the perfect blue. Then I enlisted Meghan, Donna and Christine to help me paint. I chose the paint color the day before heading to San Antonio for the Presentation Staffing. I had been told that, if all went well in the Presentation Staffing, typically the boys would be permanently placed in my home within about 4 weeks. I had a plan: paint, furniture delivery, buy sheets and some toys to decorate. I had weeks to continue to prepare…so no sweat.
When I arrived at the Presentation Staffing and was chatting with the San Antonio caseworkers before the foster mom arrived, the senior caseworker suggested that I stay overnight and meet the boys the next day for an hour or so with the foster mom, on Friday. She then said I could then stay Friday night and pick them up and spend the day with them on Saturday. She said the following weekend I could come pick them up and take them back to Austin for the weekend, then the next weekend they could be placed with me permanently. What? What did she say? WHAT?
I’m a complete control freak and my plan was getting squashed. Oh my goodness. I didn’t react right away because I had a fear that saying “Whoa, that’s too fast!” might come across like I wasn’t ready to have the kids. I was as ready emotionally and psychologically as I could be at that point…but I just wasn’t physically ready. I hadn’t painted. The furniture hadn’t arrived. I didn’t have sheets, towels, toys…anything! I sat there calculating that if I accept this plan, I have exactly 1 day at home to get everything ready. Plus, I could try to get the furniture delivery moved up a day and see if Christine could go to the house to accept delivery. I left the Presentation Staffing with my head spinning. Getting the house ready wasn’t even the most stressful thing now swimming around in my head. I was going to meet my sons the next day and then spend an entire day alone with them on Saturday. The story of how all of that went is for another time. For now, I’ll stick to the story of getting their room ready for them. How could I fit that into the time I had been given? The current plan was for me to pick them up on Friday, July 31st and drive them to Austin. That gave me 7 days until then. I would spend the next 2 days in San Antonio, and I had to work during the week. So, I had 1 day…Sunday. Time to ask for some help.
After meeting the boys on Friday…spectacular story for a different day…I went to Lowe’s and bought the paint. I called Meghan. She and Donna went to my house and readied the room to be painted on Sunday. On Saturday, the first thing I did with the boys was take them to Target where we all picked out there sheets and comforters and throw pillows and some toys. On Sunday, after church, Meghan, Donna, Christine and I painted the boys room blue in record time. Then I went shopping for ducks…yellow ducky towels, shower curtain, rug, toothbrush holder, cup. You name it, we got it with yellow ducks on it. I had called Rooms to Go Kids and they couldn’t move the delivery date in a day. The furniture was scheduled to be delivered on the same day I would be going to San Antonio to pick up the kids. What if it didn’t show up or was the wrong furniture? What if something was wrong with it? That’s when I made the call to the foster mom and explained that I just couldn’t get there on Friday to pick them up for the weekend. I would leave Austin at 5am on Saturday and pick them up by 8:30am on Saturday, but I just couldn’t get there on Friday. She completely understood and helped the boys to accept the situation as well. One day wouldn’t help me fix the furniture if it was delivered incorrectly, but it gave me just a little breathing room.
On Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, they building a house in 7 days. It took me 8 days to decorate one room. But it looked good. The furniture showed up with 2 flaws, but was acceptable and they could come back next week and fix the issues. So I didn’t let it bother me. I had gotten the room ready and I love it! Did the kids love their room? Yes and no. They ran in their room and loved all the colors and all the toys…but the furniture? If someone would have asked me six months ago if kids have the same priorities or tastes as me, I would have said “No, of course not, obviously not.” But I wasn’t thinking like that at the time.
Every time I go in their room I love the way it looks. I think it’s really cool. And I hope they’ll learn to appreciate it the way I do. They love their room! It’s not that they don’t like it. It’s just the…”oh man, its wooden bunk beds instead of metal ones that we can put our magnets on like at Mimi’s house”. Who knew? Not me. Go figure. I could have spent 10% of what I spent on the beds and they would have loved them! Lesson learned. And I still love the furniture, so no regrets!
One of the best things about the way the timing all worked out was having those 5 days between them coming to visit and them being placed permanently. It allowed me to fix so many of the things that I hadn’t even known I needed to fix until they tried to live in the room. As it ends up, having a standard ceiling fan in the middle of the room with bunk beds is fairly dangerous. Particularly when the child sleeping on the top bunk tends to sit up in bed and fling his arms around. I discovered this at about 4am the first night they were here. I heard Joey talking, so I went in to check on them. He was sitting up with his back to the fan, moving around…but the edges of the fan blades were about 6 inches from his head. Too close for me! I put my hand on his back and eased him away from it. Then I hustled over to the switch and turned off the fan. Whew! The fan come down the next week and a stationary fan was hung from the ceiling in the farthest corner of the room. I also learned that first weekend that I didn’t want locks on the doorknob of their room. I didn’t want them to be able to lock that door and lock themselves in or me out. So, the following week while they were back at the foster home, I switched out the doorknob for one without a lock on it at all. The lock is still on the bathroom door, but I continue to question whether or not that’s a good idea. Having the opportunity to let them try out the setup, then leave so I could fix the setup was brilliantly successful!!
Friday, October 30, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Getting better?
Yesterday while we were eating dinner, I asked Josh and Joey if they could name one thing that is better here than at Mimi’s house…the foster home. I knew at the time that it was probably a really bad idea to ask this, but I did it anyway. Josh said “You like cartoons and Mimi doesn’t, so that’s better.” And Joey said, “Well, that was the country and this is the city, but there’s more room here. More room inside and more room outside. So, we can ride our bicycles and stuff.” I said, “Very good.” Then I asked if they could name one thing that is better here than at their dad’s apartment. Josh immediately said, “No, nothing is better here than with our dad. Everything was better with him.” I just nodded and smiled slightly. Then Joey said, “That’s not true. You don’t spank us. And we don’t have to eat the same thing all the time. We ate Romen like every day. That’s better here.” And I said, “Ok, good.” I explained that I’m not trying to compete with either of those places, but that it helps me to know what they are enjoying here. Then I asked if they feel safe here. They both said they feel safer here than they had at their dad’s or at Mimi’s. Joey went on to say that the first night they spent here he remembered feeling safer in his new bedroom than he could remember feeling…ever.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
The Foster Mom
Some foster moms get so attached to their foster kids that they can make the transition to an adoptive home more difficult than it could be. I doubt if they understand that they are making it harder on the kids. They just get so emotionally involved that they lose sight of wanting the best for the kids. How do I know this? I guess I don’t really. I went to a class given by CPS for foster parents on transitioning children out of the home. I went to get an idea of the other side of the transaction and what I might be able to do to make it all easier. They talked to the foster parents a great deal about not getting in the way. Also, I’ve read a lot of books on the subject of adopting and they all seem to mention that how comfortable the foster parents are with you will make a big difference in your success during transition.
My kids’ foster mom was fantastic! She loves the boys and yet never lost sight of what they needed, which was a forever family. She promised them that she was looking out for them and wouldn’t agree to let them come to a home that wouldn’t be good for them. But she didn’t set her standards so high that I couldn’t meet them. She is running the home as a single mom which I feel helped my kids understand coming into my home. They told her that if she could do it, I probably could too. They had been in her home for 20 months and during most of that time they called her Mom. Before they met me for the first time, she told them that they needed to prepare for me to be their forever mom and to call me Mom. She suggested they could start calling her Mimi to reduce the confusion. How cool is that??? She really prepared them to come to me with less fear by talking through their concerns and assuring them that I was the perfect Mom for them.
I met her for the first time at the Presentation Staffing on July 23rd. The Presentation Staffing is a meeting with the kids’ caseworkers, lawyer and foster parents along with me and my case managers. The idea is for me to get any information that isn’t formally in the file. In some cases, I’ve heard this can be pretty heavy stuff. For me, I got to ask what they like to eat, when they go to bed, what they thought of being adopted, etc. Sharon, the foster mom, talked and talked and I soaked it all up. After an hour, the caseworkers had another appointment, so Sharon and I went to lunch.
She told me story after story. It was a bit overwhelming. I couldn’t get a word in, but then again it was important for me to be quiet and listen. I will soon go back and write a detailed blog about that weekend in San Antonio when it feels like my life with Josh and Joey first started. But for now, the important thing is what a gift Sharon has been. She boosted my confidence and she gave them every assurance that coming with me was the right thing for them. She gave them the impression that they would be asked if they wanted to come with me. I’m not sure what the age is when children begin to have a say in the matter, but I didn’t have the impression that it was 6 or 8. On the other hand, if they had vehemently refused to come, they would have been heard. As it was, they felt like they had some power over their own lives and, I think, came to me more enthusiastically because they didn’t feel forced.
Sharon told the boys that they would talk on the phone and write letters and even try to get together when possible in the future. She assured them that they weren’t saying goodbye forever. Josh and Joey sent her and the other foster brothers’ letters first, then we got letters back. When we sent letters again, we didn’t get anything back for quite a while. We started out talking to Mimi and the other boys each Sunday night, then weeks would be by and finally it’s been 6 weeks since they’ve asked to call. Each time Joey goes to the mailbox with me, he talks about hoping there are letters from Mimi, and there aren’t…but he gets over that pretty quickly. I think Sharon knew things would progress exactly like they have and I think she’s letting them go. She and I talked enough that I know this has been hard for her to do. She became extremely attached to Josh and Joey. But she’s doing it for them. She knows that holding on to tightly to that home will prevent them from attaching as much to this one. I thank God for how much she helped all of us every time I think of her.
My kids’ foster mom was fantastic! She loves the boys and yet never lost sight of what they needed, which was a forever family. She promised them that she was looking out for them and wouldn’t agree to let them come to a home that wouldn’t be good for them. But she didn’t set her standards so high that I couldn’t meet them. She is running the home as a single mom which I feel helped my kids understand coming into my home. They told her that if she could do it, I probably could too. They had been in her home for 20 months and during most of that time they called her Mom. Before they met me for the first time, she told them that they needed to prepare for me to be their forever mom and to call me Mom. She suggested they could start calling her Mimi to reduce the confusion. How cool is that??? She really prepared them to come to me with less fear by talking through their concerns and assuring them that I was the perfect Mom for them.
I met her for the first time at the Presentation Staffing on July 23rd. The Presentation Staffing is a meeting with the kids’ caseworkers, lawyer and foster parents along with me and my case managers. The idea is for me to get any information that isn’t formally in the file. In some cases, I’ve heard this can be pretty heavy stuff. For me, I got to ask what they like to eat, when they go to bed, what they thought of being adopted, etc. Sharon, the foster mom, talked and talked and I soaked it all up. After an hour, the caseworkers had another appointment, so Sharon and I went to lunch.
She told me story after story. It was a bit overwhelming. I couldn’t get a word in, but then again it was important for me to be quiet and listen. I will soon go back and write a detailed blog about that weekend in San Antonio when it feels like my life with Josh and Joey first started. But for now, the important thing is what a gift Sharon has been. She boosted my confidence and she gave them every assurance that coming with me was the right thing for them. She gave them the impression that they would be asked if they wanted to come with me. I’m not sure what the age is when children begin to have a say in the matter, but I didn’t have the impression that it was 6 or 8. On the other hand, if they had vehemently refused to come, they would have been heard. As it was, they felt like they had some power over their own lives and, I think, came to me more enthusiastically because they didn’t feel forced.
Sharon told the boys that they would talk on the phone and write letters and even try to get together when possible in the future. She assured them that they weren’t saying goodbye forever. Josh and Joey sent her and the other foster brothers’ letters first, then we got letters back. When we sent letters again, we didn’t get anything back for quite a while. We started out talking to Mimi and the other boys each Sunday night, then weeks would be by and finally it’s been 6 weeks since they’ve asked to call. Each time Joey goes to the mailbox with me, he talks about hoping there are letters from Mimi, and there aren’t…but he gets over that pretty quickly. I think Sharon knew things would progress exactly like they have and I think she’s letting them go. She and I talked enough that I know this has been hard for her to do. She became extremely attached to Josh and Joey. But she’s doing it for them. She knows that holding on to tightly to that home will prevent them from attaching as much to this one. I thank God for how much she helped all of us every time I think of her.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Looking Back
I was working on a new post earlier that caused me to go into my saved files looking for the notes I wrote during that first weekend in San Antonio. I reread those notes and...wow...it's always interesting looking back at what I've written before I knew more.
[Sidenote: Don't we always know more than we use to? I guess not, as I forget stuff all the time. But I never seem to write, back when I knew less. Maybe I will when I get even older.]
So, instead of posting that story now, I'm going to use some of those notes and continue working on it and hopefully post it tomorrow. I'm sure you all know and understand that I need to edit them and be very careful about names, locations, dates and such. Public blogs are searchable and I don't want to make this one private...but I don't want to be found by the wrong people either. The "wrong people"...yikes!
Stay tuned...more to come!
[Sidenote: Don't we always know more than we use to? I guess not, as I forget stuff all the time. But I never seem to write, back when I knew less. Maybe I will when I get even older.]
So, instead of posting that story now, I'm going to use some of those notes and continue working on it and hopefully post it tomorrow. I'm sure you all know and understand that I need to edit them and be very careful about names, locations, dates and such. Public blogs are searchable and I don't want to make this one private...but I don't want to be found by the wrong people either. The "wrong people"...yikes!
Stay tuned...more to come!
Friday, October 9, 2009
Are we a blended family?
"I HATE IT HERE! I DON'T WANT A DOG THAT CHEWS UP TOYS! I HATE COOPER!" screamed Josh at bedtime last night. Cooper hasn't chewed up one of their toys in about 5 weeks. When the boys first arrived, I explained to them that Cooper and Quincy (our dogs) have dog toys that look and taste just like little stuffed animals. Cooper likes to unstuff his own toys and he can't tell the difference between his toys and the stuffed animals the boys brought with them. I told the boys to make sure they didn't leave anything on the floor of their room or it was at risk. They decided that they should not only keep the floor clear, but they would keep the door shut as well.
Twice they have forgotten and we've come home to an unstuffed prize possession all over the living room floor. Both times they have been Josh's toys and both times he handled it very maturely. He was sad that the toy had been chewed up, but he took responsibility for leaving them down and the door open instead of getting mad at the dog. The first time it was his Incredible Hulk. His new Grandma (my mom) and I sewed him up and told Josh it was a cool new scar. The next one was Sid from Ice Age and he was just a goner. Josh and I had a very short, informal funeral for Sid and tossed him in the kitchen trash can. As much as I feel badly for Josh, part of me is appreciative that Cooper is helping me teach the boys to keep their room clean. Since then, Cooper hasn't gotten his paws on any toys.
So, last night's declaration wasn't in response to Cooper eating one of Josh's toys. Instead, this was in response to having to pick up his toys before he goes to sleep. They both want the door open at night and Cooper regularly goes in there to make sure they are okay. He's even come and woken me up in the middle of the night for me to find Josh sleeping on the floor having rolled out of bed. Cooper feels a great responsibility at night to pace between my room and theirs making sure everyone is okay...and I don't think he can decide where he should sleep.
I wonder if this is anything like blending families. Josh and Joey are having to learn and adjust to Cooper and Quincy's ways just as Cooper and Quincy are having to adjust to Josh and Joey. Their are positives and negatives for everyone. And I feel the need to defend all of them to each other as they feel their new way. I want everyone to get along and respect each others idosyncracies while also standing up for themselves. That may be too much to ask. I haven't done any research on blending families because I hadn't really looked at this in that light before. My current strategy is to just give them all time and pray for the best.
Twice they have forgotten and we've come home to an unstuffed prize possession all over the living room floor. Both times they have been Josh's toys and both times he handled it very maturely. He was sad that the toy had been chewed up, but he took responsibility for leaving them down and the door open instead of getting mad at the dog. The first time it was his Incredible Hulk. His new Grandma (my mom) and I sewed him up and told Josh it was a cool new scar. The next one was Sid from Ice Age and he was just a goner. Josh and I had a very short, informal funeral for Sid and tossed him in the kitchen trash can. As much as I feel badly for Josh, part of me is appreciative that Cooper is helping me teach the boys to keep their room clean. Since then, Cooper hasn't gotten his paws on any toys.
So, last night's declaration wasn't in response to Cooper eating one of Josh's toys. Instead, this was in response to having to pick up his toys before he goes to sleep. They both want the door open at night and Cooper regularly goes in there to make sure they are okay. He's even come and woken me up in the middle of the night for me to find Josh sleeping on the floor having rolled out of bed. Cooper feels a great responsibility at night to pace between my room and theirs making sure everyone is okay...and I don't think he can decide where he should sleep.
I wonder if this is anything like blending families. Josh and Joey are having to learn and adjust to Cooper and Quincy's ways just as Cooper and Quincy are having to adjust to Josh and Joey. Their are positives and negatives for everyone. And I feel the need to defend all of them to each other as they feel their new way. I want everyone to get along and respect each others idosyncracies while also standing up for themselves. That may be too much to ask. I haven't done any research on blending families because I hadn't really looked at this in that light before. My current strategy is to just give them all time and pray for the best.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Which Playgrounds Rock?
I’ve always thought that the awesomeness of a playground was measured by the height of the highest slide and the number of apparatus and maybe even the brightness of the colors of paint. Turns out I was way off the mark. On the first day that Josh, Joey and I spent together I took them to a playground in San Antonio. Joey immediately started telling me that the playground sucked. I looked around and it really did. The slides were small and the equipment was old.
So, once we were in Austin, I started taking them to cool playgrounds, well at least I thought they were cool. The boys were fairly unimpressed. I started thinking maybe they thought when I said we were going to a playground they were expecting an amusement park. Then, finally we went to what I would have described as a cruddy little playground and they thought it was AWESOME. What? Boy was I confused.
On the way home I started asking questions. Ends up the awesomeness has much less to do with the slides, size of the playground or colors and everything to do with how many other kids are there and whether or not they’ll play with you. That rule has proven true at every playground we’ve been to since. Now that I see that it’s much harder for me to predict what they’ll think of a playground before we actually get there and much easier once I see the crowd.
So, once we were in Austin, I started taking them to cool playgrounds, well at least I thought they were cool. The boys were fairly unimpressed. I started thinking maybe they thought when I said we were going to a playground they were expecting an amusement park. Then, finally we went to what I would have described as a cruddy little playground and they thought it was AWESOME. What? Boy was I confused.
On the way home I started asking questions. Ends up the awesomeness has much less to do with the slides, size of the playground or colors and everything to do with how many other kids are there and whether or not they’ll play with you. That rule has proven true at every playground we’ve been to since. Now that I see that it’s much harder for me to predict what they’ll think of a playground before we actually get there and much easier once I see the crowd.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
My Showers
During adoption training, I was told that I would need to supervise my kids every moment they were awake. Naturally, I wondered how I would take showers, change clothes, go to the bathroom and maintain my sanity if I couldn’t have a moment alone. There are many single parents out there successfully raising kids who are clean and dressed. When I asked the question of the case managers, they said that I had lots of options, like showering after they go to sleep with a baby monitor in the bathroom in case they call for me…or in the morning when they wake up. They also said to stop stressing out about it until I had the kids because all kids are different and they all have different needs as far as how much they need to be supervised. This was one of those things that just got into my head and I couldn’t get it out. It kept bugging me. Maybe it’s because I was afraid it was an example of how I wasn’t going to be able to fulfill all of their needs. Maybe it’s because I just needed something to obsess about. In any case, I was able to lessen my stress by telling myself that my case manager wasn’t going to let me adopt kids that needed so much assistance that I couldn’t take a shower. That ended up being true.
The day after they came to live with me, they had been having little battles all day. Lots of crying and tattling and yelling at each other. But, it was time for my first shower. I turned on the TV to cartoons and told them I was going to take a shower. Considering we rarely even turn on the TV, I figured this would be mesmerizing enough to get me 20 minutes. I told Joey that the bathroom door would be unlocked but they weren’t to come in or knock unless someone was really hurt, not for a spat or to ask a question or tell me a story. About halfway through my shower, with shampoo in my hair, Joey started knocking on the door. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, so I kept saying “What? I can’t hear you.” He didn’t open the door. Pretty soon the knocking stopped. I hurried to finish my shower and rushed to dry off. I wrapped a towel around me and flew out of the bathroom. I couldn’t hear crying, so I immediately decided no one was hurt. I was prepared to find Joey and explain that I was serious when I said not to interrupt me unless it was an emergency. When I got to the TV room, I asked Joey what had happened to cause him to knock and he said, “Well the toilet was overflowing and I thought you’d want to know.” Well, hmm…yes I would. I went to check out the toilet and later assured him that, yes, he had made the right decision and that the toilet backing up was definitely an emergency.
Since then, I’ve done most of my showering before they wake up or at the gym. Just because that’s the way it’s worked out…not because I can’t leave them for 20 minutes. Nighttime didn’t end up being a good idea because that’s really their most active time. When they should be sleeping is when most things happen around here. Ends up I hadn’t really needed to stress out about it anyway…what good did that do me?
The day after they came to live with me, they had been having little battles all day. Lots of crying and tattling and yelling at each other. But, it was time for my first shower. I turned on the TV to cartoons and told them I was going to take a shower. Considering we rarely even turn on the TV, I figured this would be mesmerizing enough to get me 20 minutes. I told Joey that the bathroom door would be unlocked but they weren’t to come in or knock unless someone was really hurt, not for a spat or to ask a question or tell me a story. About halfway through my shower, with shampoo in my hair, Joey started knocking on the door. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, so I kept saying “What? I can’t hear you.” He didn’t open the door. Pretty soon the knocking stopped. I hurried to finish my shower and rushed to dry off. I wrapped a towel around me and flew out of the bathroom. I couldn’t hear crying, so I immediately decided no one was hurt. I was prepared to find Joey and explain that I was serious when I said not to interrupt me unless it was an emergency. When I got to the TV room, I asked Joey what had happened to cause him to knock and he said, “Well the toilet was overflowing and I thought you’d want to know.” Well, hmm…yes I would. I went to check out the toilet and later assured him that, yes, he had made the right decision and that the toilet backing up was definitely an emergency.
Since then, I’ve done most of my showering before they wake up or at the gym. Just because that’s the way it’s worked out…not because I can’t leave them for 20 minutes. Nighttime didn’t end up being a good idea because that’s really their most active time. When they should be sleeping is when most things happen around here. Ends up I hadn’t really needed to stress out about it anyway…what good did that do me?
Monday, October 5, 2009
Comparing raising kids to raising dogs
Making comparisons between raising kids and raising dogs offends some people…pretty much only people with kids and no dogs. But there truly are similarities. Sure, I know the differences and I’m not attempting to use any of the same rules with my kids as my dogs. But some of the main similarities at this point in my relationship with Josh and Joey are in my heart.
I’ve had dogs that I considered “mine” since I was in the 4th grade. That’s when we got Creampuff. I remember loving Creampuff from the first day we had her. We were inseparable, like a little girl and her puppy should be. Unfortunately, a few years later she went in the backyard and picked up a toad in her mouth. I saw this and it grossed me out so much I wouldn’t let her lick me and I wouldn’t play with her anymore. Having lost her best friend, she started hanging out with Mom and they became the best friends Creampuff and I had been. When I left for college, I hardly missed her because I’d pushed her so far away at that point. It’s really sad looking back at it now. Plus, it points out my ability to take something that is second nature to a dog and make it into a relationship destroying event.
In college, I got a cat that I named Whiskey. Cute name for a cat, but seriously makes me wonder about my priorities at that point. Nonetheless, after I graduated and once she was about 3 years old, I got rid of her because she wouldn’t stop peeing on the carpet of my apartment. I was moving into a new apartment and I’d lost my entire deposit which at that point I really couldn’t afford. I put an ad in the Greensheet. Yes that’s how long ago this was…the only place to put an ad was in an actual newspaper. Looking back at this, it looks like a sound decision to get rid of Whiskey because she was just too costly…well, until you start making the comparison of caring for pets to caring for children. Josh has been peeing in all sorts of inappropriate places lately. But, all I have for him is compassion and concern, no desire to put an ad in the Greensheet.
Not long after I got rid of Whiskey, I went on a search for a black Pomeranian and found Nicky. For Nicky’s first year, we battled and we bonded. I desperately wanted us to be close but I had to discipline him so much it was difficult. First he needed to be housetrained, and then he kept running out the front door and taking me on wild goose chases…almost literally…except he wasn’t a goose. I would get so frustrated with him that I would sit and cry and we didn’t yet have love to offset the frustration. I got a dog gate and put him in the kitchen and he got out. I created a wall that was at least 4 feet tall and he got out. He learned to jump onto the kitchen counter and go over the bar area. He was a little nightmare until the day he turned one year old. I had told him many times that people kept telling me he would grow out of all of this when he turned one. I guess he was listening because on that very day, he stopped chewing everything up and he was housetrained and he became my best friend. We loved each other like I had always dreamed of. Nicky stuck with me through sixteen years of life…we got married together…we got divorced together…we moved to California and then back to Texas. Nicky’s life story defined loyalty and self-sacrifice. He would have fought a bear to protect me if he had to.
About 6 months after Nicky passed away, I went to the shelters looking for a new puppy. A shy 15 lb, 4 month old, red puppy picked me. The shelter volunteer really wanted me to take another dog, but I couldn’t pay attention to the other dog because this little one kept wagging his tail in his water dish and flicking me with water. When I took him out of his cage to play with him, he climbed up and around my neck and hid under my hair. Then he stayed so very still as if he thought I might forget he was there and accidentally take him home. This was obviously my dog. I named him Cooper. On the way home, we went by PetsMart for a leash and collar. Cooper had no idea how to walk on the floor inside the store so he kept trying to climb back up my leg. When I put him in the cart, he was fine. Once we got home to my apartment, he jumped from the front door across the tile to the carpet, laid down and slept for about 3 days. When he woke up, we started getting to know each other. As long as I was with him, he was sweet and playful and fun. But if I was even in the next room, he methodically destroyed my stuff. He dug plants out of their pots along with all the dirt and he chewed on walls. He was so stressed out that he just didn’t know what to do to calm himself down. I’ll never forget the day I came in from being at the gym for an hour to find that Cooper had eaten the couch…not eaten a pillow, but gone straight into the meat of the couch and taken out the contents. I didn’t understand him and I didn’t know what to do to help him…but he loved me from the moment he came into my life.
Cooper’s trainer suggested getting a second dog might help calm him down since then he wouldn’t be alone. So, after buying a house where we could all live, Cooper and I both went back to the shelter to pick out a second dog. I left the decision up to Cooper since he would have to spend all of his time with the new dog. Cooper chose an adorable black and white Lab/Heeler mix that was fluffy and playful. He was about 20 pounds and they thought he was about 4 months old. They had estimated he’d grow to be around 40-60 pounds. Cooper was pushing 40 pounds at that point, so I thought that would be a good pairing. This one I named Quincy.
Having Quincy and just becoming more mature both contributed to Cooper’s growing calmness, but he’s still a jumpy fragile soul at times. Where Cooper loved me from the first moment, Quincy loved Cooper…but rolled his eyes at me a lot. Quincy is a total Bubba dog. He eats well more than his share…he burps and farts…he doesn’t like other dogs to see him getting hugs and kisses and he looks at me like “Mom” when they do. On the other hand, he follows me everywhere and sleeps right next to me every night. It’s like he loves me, but he’d rather not talk about it. And, speaking of eating, all of the dogs I’ve known in the past ate when they were hungry and then stopped. Quincy ate and ate and ate…until he hit 120 pounds. He’s now on a strict diet and exercise program. He’s gotten down to about 110 and we’re aiming for 100. He’s much bigger than the shelter had estimated, but I love every pound of him.
For the first 6 months or so, I remember begging Quincy to snuggle with me, to trust me, to love me. I had an idea of what that would look like and feel like and Quincy had other plans. It just broke my heart that he wouldn’t react to me as I expected. When I finally started really paying attention to him and letting us work out our own personal relationship between just the two of us, is when that wall started coming down. It took patience and focus but we are tight now. What I have are two dogs with completely different personalities and interests and I’ve built two entirely different relationships with them.
Josh and Joey are both in that stage with the dogs of desperately wanting the love and trust that they see Cooper and Quincy have with me. Josh will follow Cooper around saying “I just want to pet you. Please stop so I can pet you” while he’s frightening Cooper so Cooper keeps going. Joey often acts like he doesn’t care because he’s afraid of the rejection that is inevitable at first. Josh begs them to sleep with him at night and he’s baffled at why they won’t. I love when I see them all playing together. And it breaks my heart to watch the boys go through this confusing process, but I’m confident that they’ll get through it and they will all be inseparable friends.
As far as comparing Josh and Joey to Cooper and Quincy there are similarities all around. But my bigger point was in the feeling in my heart of wanting to get to the part where we feel comfortable and we feel love and we feel trust…the fear that we may not get there and the confidence that we will…the stubbornness that I won’t let a chewed up couch or the screaming of some very unpleasant words cause a permanent rift between us… the confusion when I can tell they are going through something and they can’t tell me what it is. Yet it really boils down to the fact that all three of us, or even all five of us, just want to be loved.
I’ve had dogs that I considered “mine” since I was in the 4th grade. That’s when we got Creampuff. I remember loving Creampuff from the first day we had her. We were inseparable, like a little girl and her puppy should be. Unfortunately, a few years later she went in the backyard and picked up a toad in her mouth. I saw this and it grossed me out so much I wouldn’t let her lick me and I wouldn’t play with her anymore. Having lost her best friend, she started hanging out with Mom and they became the best friends Creampuff and I had been. When I left for college, I hardly missed her because I’d pushed her so far away at that point. It’s really sad looking back at it now. Plus, it points out my ability to take something that is second nature to a dog and make it into a relationship destroying event.
In college, I got a cat that I named Whiskey. Cute name for a cat, but seriously makes me wonder about my priorities at that point. Nonetheless, after I graduated and once she was about 3 years old, I got rid of her because she wouldn’t stop peeing on the carpet of my apartment. I was moving into a new apartment and I’d lost my entire deposit which at that point I really couldn’t afford. I put an ad in the Greensheet. Yes that’s how long ago this was…the only place to put an ad was in an actual newspaper. Looking back at this, it looks like a sound decision to get rid of Whiskey because she was just too costly…well, until you start making the comparison of caring for pets to caring for children. Josh has been peeing in all sorts of inappropriate places lately. But, all I have for him is compassion and concern, no desire to put an ad in the Greensheet.
Not long after I got rid of Whiskey, I went on a search for a black Pomeranian and found Nicky. For Nicky’s first year, we battled and we bonded. I desperately wanted us to be close but I had to discipline him so much it was difficult. First he needed to be housetrained, and then he kept running out the front door and taking me on wild goose chases…almost literally…except he wasn’t a goose. I would get so frustrated with him that I would sit and cry and we didn’t yet have love to offset the frustration. I got a dog gate and put him in the kitchen and he got out. I created a wall that was at least 4 feet tall and he got out. He learned to jump onto the kitchen counter and go over the bar area. He was a little nightmare until the day he turned one year old. I had told him many times that people kept telling me he would grow out of all of this when he turned one. I guess he was listening because on that very day, he stopped chewing everything up and he was housetrained and he became my best friend. We loved each other like I had always dreamed of. Nicky stuck with me through sixteen years of life…we got married together…we got divorced together…we moved to California and then back to Texas. Nicky’s life story defined loyalty and self-sacrifice. He would have fought a bear to protect me if he had to.
About 6 months after Nicky passed away, I went to the shelters looking for a new puppy. A shy 15 lb, 4 month old, red puppy picked me. The shelter volunteer really wanted me to take another dog, but I couldn’t pay attention to the other dog because this little one kept wagging his tail in his water dish and flicking me with water. When I took him out of his cage to play with him, he climbed up and around my neck and hid under my hair. Then he stayed so very still as if he thought I might forget he was there and accidentally take him home. This was obviously my dog. I named him Cooper. On the way home, we went by PetsMart for a leash and collar. Cooper had no idea how to walk on the floor inside the store so he kept trying to climb back up my leg. When I put him in the cart, he was fine. Once we got home to my apartment, he jumped from the front door across the tile to the carpet, laid down and slept for about 3 days. When he woke up, we started getting to know each other. As long as I was with him, he was sweet and playful and fun. But if I was even in the next room, he methodically destroyed my stuff. He dug plants out of their pots along with all the dirt and he chewed on walls. He was so stressed out that he just didn’t know what to do to calm himself down. I’ll never forget the day I came in from being at the gym for an hour to find that Cooper had eaten the couch…not eaten a pillow, but gone straight into the meat of the couch and taken out the contents. I didn’t understand him and I didn’t know what to do to help him…but he loved me from the moment he came into my life.
Cooper’s trainer suggested getting a second dog might help calm him down since then he wouldn’t be alone. So, after buying a house where we could all live, Cooper and I both went back to the shelter to pick out a second dog. I left the decision up to Cooper since he would have to spend all of his time with the new dog. Cooper chose an adorable black and white Lab/Heeler mix that was fluffy and playful. He was about 20 pounds and they thought he was about 4 months old. They had estimated he’d grow to be around 40-60 pounds. Cooper was pushing 40 pounds at that point, so I thought that would be a good pairing. This one I named Quincy.
Having Quincy and just becoming more mature both contributed to Cooper’s growing calmness, but he’s still a jumpy fragile soul at times. Where Cooper loved me from the first moment, Quincy loved Cooper…but rolled his eyes at me a lot. Quincy is a total Bubba dog. He eats well more than his share…he burps and farts…he doesn’t like other dogs to see him getting hugs and kisses and he looks at me like “Mom” when they do. On the other hand, he follows me everywhere and sleeps right next to me every night. It’s like he loves me, but he’d rather not talk about it. And, speaking of eating, all of the dogs I’ve known in the past ate when they were hungry and then stopped. Quincy ate and ate and ate…until he hit 120 pounds. He’s now on a strict diet and exercise program. He’s gotten down to about 110 and we’re aiming for 100. He’s much bigger than the shelter had estimated, but I love every pound of him.
For the first 6 months or so, I remember begging Quincy to snuggle with me, to trust me, to love me. I had an idea of what that would look like and feel like and Quincy had other plans. It just broke my heart that he wouldn’t react to me as I expected. When I finally started really paying attention to him and letting us work out our own personal relationship between just the two of us, is when that wall started coming down. It took patience and focus but we are tight now. What I have are two dogs with completely different personalities and interests and I’ve built two entirely different relationships with them.
Josh and Joey are both in that stage with the dogs of desperately wanting the love and trust that they see Cooper and Quincy have with me. Josh will follow Cooper around saying “I just want to pet you. Please stop so I can pet you” while he’s frightening Cooper so Cooper keeps going. Joey often acts like he doesn’t care because he’s afraid of the rejection that is inevitable at first. Josh begs them to sleep with him at night and he’s baffled at why they won’t. I love when I see them all playing together. And it breaks my heart to watch the boys go through this confusing process, but I’m confident that they’ll get through it and they will all be inseparable friends.
As far as comparing Josh and Joey to Cooper and Quincy there are similarities all around. But my bigger point was in the feeling in my heart of wanting to get to the part where we feel comfortable and we feel love and we feel trust…the fear that we may not get there and the confidence that we will…the stubbornness that I won’t let a chewed up couch or the screaming of some very unpleasant words cause a permanent rift between us… the confusion when I can tell they are going through something and they can’t tell me what it is. Yet it really boils down to the fact that all three of us, or even all five of us, just want to be loved.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Raising A Charitable Heart
I hope to raise children with gracious, charitable, understanding, giving hearts. Yet I assume that's a hard target for parents who start raising their children at birth. In my case, I'm battling all previous guardians impressions on them...plus they have felt deprived, so giving is tough. They've had to look out for themselves and asking them to consider stranger's well-being is asking so much. I've got years to get there and I can try to be patient. But, I want to start laying the seeds now that can grow later.
They came to me with tons of toys...many broken or outgrown. I put a bin outside their room and told them to put any toys or clothes that they wanted to donate to charity in that bin. I explained early on that they would get new toys or clothes to replace the ones donated...not necessarily one to one, but that was the way to get new. Joey immediately caught on and put all of his clothes that didn't fit anymore in the bin...all of his old, dirty socks went in and most of his broken toys. He tried to help Josh understand, but Josh had no interest in giving anything away.
I know that the best way to instill generosity is to lead by example. They’ve seen me take 2 large garbage bags of clothes and such to Goodwill. And they watched me buy a new purse and go home and take 2 old purses out of my closet and put them in the charity bin. I’m certain they are storing those kinds of things away and thinking about them later.
One day, I held up a tiny shirt and asked Josh if he can still wear it. He said no, but he wanted to keep it because he liked it. I asked what he liked about it wondering if there was some particularly sentimental memory associated with the shirt. He just thought it was cool. When I told him we can’t keep everything that we used to love to wear but doesn’t fit anymore, he said okay then I could get rid of it.
All of Josh’s socks and underwear are way too big for him. The socks make putting on his shoes very difficult. I went to Kohl’s to make sure that smaller ones existed and then I asked him if he’d like some socks that fit him so he could get his foot in his shoe. Yes, please! So, I bought him a bunch of new socks and about 20 pairs of larger socks went in the charity bin. I know he’ll eventually grow into them. But he’s been wearing them, so they aren’t new and we can buy new when his feet grow. I also bought him a really long shoe horn that looks like a snake so he can get his shoes on much more easily now. He loves his shoe horn!!
Back to giving…each week when they get their allowance, they divvy it up into 3 brightly colored envelopes. Give, Save and Spend. A minimum of $1 must go into Give and Save, but where the rest of the money goes is their choice. For 4 weeks now, $1 has gone into Give and all of the rest has gone into Save. If anything was in the Spend envelopes, those would travel in the car with us in case they wanted to buy something on the fly. Within a few days of receiving the envelopes they asked if they could use their Give money to give things to each other. Sneaky, sneaky! Made me smile that they had worked that out on their own…but no. Give money isn’t for gifts; it’s for charity. Once we amass more than a few dollars, I’ll start giving them ideas of what we might do with our Give money. I think I’ll come up with 3 or 4 ideas and let them pick one each. Then we can work out when we should donate it and I’ll make a big deal out of that.
When I received a new picture of one of the kids I sponsor with World Vision, I sat down with Josh and Joey and explained who he is and what is circumstance is and that we send him money every month to support him, his family and his community. They listened intently. When I was finished, Joey said, “Do I understand this right? You are sending our money to this guy?” I smiled and just said, “Yes.”
As far as service goes, I want to lead by example there too. They know I volunteer at the church on Sundays. I used to spend a great deal of my time in service in my community…every way I could imagine…Habitat For Humanity, local races and charity events, mission work, etc. It’s much harder to do these things as a single mom. I think it would be great if I could find a friend with a son who is around 10-12 years old and loves to do things like volunteer at the children’s hospital or visit veterans or something like that. If another child could explain how fulfilling it is to help someone else, I could really see that making an impression…at least on Joey. I don’t think Josh is mature enough yet to get it, but I could be wrong. Josh loves dogs…Maybe I should look into something with the SPCA or animal hospital. I’ve got to do some research. Maybe for Thanksgiving my whole family could go help at a soup kitchen in east Austin.
But mostly, I’ll just try to be patient and let God do His work.
They came to me with tons of toys...many broken or outgrown. I put a bin outside their room and told them to put any toys or clothes that they wanted to donate to charity in that bin. I explained early on that they would get new toys or clothes to replace the ones donated...not necessarily one to one, but that was the way to get new. Joey immediately caught on and put all of his clothes that didn't fit anymore in the bin...all of his old, dirty socks went in and most of his broken toys. He tried to help Josh understand, but Josh had no interest in giving anything away.
I know that the best way to instill generosity is to lead by example. They’ve seen me take 2 large garbage bags of clothes and such to Goodwill. And they watched me buy a new purse and go home and take 2 old purses out of my closet and put them in the charity bin. I’m certain they are storing those kinds of things away and thinking about them later.
One day, I held up a tiny shirt and asked Josh if he can still wear it. He said no, but he wanted to keep it because he liked it. I asked what he liked about it wondering if there was some particularly sentimental memory associated with the shirt. He just thought it was cool. When I told him we can’t keep everything that we used to love to wear but doesn’t fit anymore, he said okay then I could get rid of it.
All of Josh’s socks and underwear are way too big for him. The socks make putting on his shoes very difficult. I went to Kohl’s to make sure that smaller ones existed and then I asked him if he’d like some socks that fit him so he could get his foot in his shoe. Yes, please! So, I bought him a bunch of new socks and about 20 pairs of larger socks went in the charity bin. I know he’ll eventually grow into them. But he’s been wearing them, so they aren’t new and we can buy new when his feet grow. I also bought him a really long shoe horn that looks like a snake so he can get his shoes on much more easily now. He loves his shoe horn!!
Back to giving…each week when they get their allowance, they divvy it up into 3 brightly colored envelopes. Give, Save and Spend. A minimum of $1 must go into Give and Save, but where the rest of the money goes is their choice. For 4 weeks now, $1 has gone into Give and all of the rest has gone into Save. If anything was in the Spend envelopes, those would travel in the car with us in case they wanted to buy something on the fly. Within a few days of receiving the envelopes they asked if they could use their Give money to give things to each other. Sneaky, sneaky! Made me smile that they had worked that out on their own…but no. Give money isn’t for gifts; it’s for charity. Once we amass more than a few dollars, I’ll start giving them ideas of what we might do with our Give money. I think I’ll come up with 3 or 4 ideas and let them pick one each. Then we can work out when we should donate it and I’ll make a big deal out of that.
When I received a new picture of one of the kids I sponsor with World Vision, I sat down with Josh and Joey and explained who he is and what is circumstance is and that we send him money every month to support him, his family and his community. They listened intently. When I was finished, Joey said, “Do I understand this right? You are sending our money to this guy?” I smiled and just said, “Yes.”
As far as service goes, I want to lead by example there too. They know I volunteer at the church on Sundays. I used to spend a great deal of my time in service in my community…every way I could imagine…Habitat For Humanity, local races and charity events, mission work, etc. It’s much harder to do these things as a single mom. I think it would be great if I could find a friend with a son who is around 10-12 years old and loves to do things like volunteer at the children’s hospital or visit veterans or something like that. If another child could explain how fulfilling it is to help someone else, I could really see that making an impression…at least on Joey. I don’t think Josh is mature enough yet to get it, but I could be wrong. Josh loves dogs…Maybe I should look into something with the SPCA or animal hospital. I’ve got to do some research. Maybe for Thanksgiving my whole family could go help at a soup kitchen in east Austin.
But mostly, I’ll just try to be patient and let God do His work.
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