My New Roller Coaster

Adoption Day

2010-03-23T16:02:00.000-05:00

On March 10th, we went to San Antonio to court and finalized our adoption! I can't believe I haven't blogged since then. Spring break was very busy around our house. The ceremony was fantastic!! My lips quivered the whole time...felt like nerves and anxiety and overwhelming joy all mixed together. We raced for 3 hours to get to San Antonio and to get to the courthouse. The ceremony, including hallway chat time, was about 30 minutes long. Then we all took a big deep breath and wandered back to Austin.

The lawyer had promised the boys that I would buy them two scoops of ice cream, so a few hours after we went to breakfast and the boys had chocolate chip pancakes, we also went for ice cream. It was a wonderful day!!

Soccer

2010-03-04T15:16:00.000-06:00

Before I met Josh and Joey, I'd hoped they would want to play soccer. When I did meet them, they both said the didn't like soccer and didn't want to play. As you know, Joey played flag football and Josh played T-ball. Kraig and Shelley gave them a soccer ball as a homecoming present and Michael and Quenby gave them a goal to kick into. They started playing around with it and had fun. Then we went to a couple of Gavin's soccer games and they were both hooked. They've been anxious to start playing soccer ever since.

This week was the first week of soccer practices. Josh has had practice on Tuesday and Wednesday. Both days he's struggled and both days he's cried the whole ride home saying he hates soccer and he can't do anything right. I just hate putting him through this...but every time Josh does almost anything for the first time he goes through the same thing...then he eventually powers through and loves it. I can only pray for that this time too. His coach is awesome and he's got some cool kids on the team with him. We have two games this coming weekend, so maybe it will help to get to play a game in uniform and such.

Joey hasn't had a practice yet because they didn't have a coach for his team. One of the dad's finally volunteered yesterday, so we hope to have practice tomorrow evening. On Tuesday, during Josh's practice, Joey played soccer with a couple of older boys in the park and their dad. He had a blast and learned a lot. Wednesday, Josh's coach invited Joey to practice with them as he knew that Joey's team was having a hard time finding a coach. Again, Joey did great and had so much fun he's ready to give up football forever to become a soccer star!!

I think it's possible that Joey's intense enjoyment is increasing Josh's displeasure with it all. Josh feels that he can't catch a break. Everything and everyone in the world is ganging up against him. I've been working hard to set him up to succeed. It's tough being the youngest and the littlest.

Coco To The Rescue

2010-03-03T16:05:00.000-06:00

On Monday night, Josh's temper tantrum lasted from when I picked him up at daycare until after he was asleep. Okay, that's only slightly an exaggeration. Josh had a bad day. He was on the receiving end of a few injustices at school which put him in a bad mood. On the way home from the grocery store, Joey told Josh that many of the kids Josh considers his friends aren't his friends at all. Joey explained that these kids only tell Josh they are friends to be nice, but they are all telling Joey that they don't like Josh. How mean is that? I told Joey that he was being mean and I reassured Josh that his friends wouldn't say that. But no encouragement could erase the nastiness Joey had put in Josh's head.

As soon as we walked into the house, Josh started refusing to do anything I asked and telling me didn't plan on doing anything I asked. He went to time out. He called me names and threw things and tried to break things and ran around giggling in a really spooky fashion for hours. He did managed to collect himself enough to finish one time out and eat dinner. But right after dinner, he went right back into it. When he finally got into bed and got quiet, I was exhausted. He hadn't done his homework and he hadn't taken his bath. But I wasn't worried about those things...I just wanted him asleep.

Then I was inspired. I believe that God plants ideas in my head when I need them. I needed this one for sure. When time outs aren't working, Josh loses his favorite toys for a period of time to be determined based on how bad it gets. His favorite monkey Coco (the one I gave him for Valentine's Day) had spent the night with me the previous night. You also need to know that Coco talks...well, not really...but I have a Coco voice that I use to help Coco talk and Josh just loves that. So, I picked up Coco and walked into Josh's dark room and over to his bedside.

Coco said "Hi Josh." Josh hesitated like he was trying to figure out if he wanted to fall for this. The decision must have landed in the positive because he finally whispered "Hi Coco."

Coco said, "I asked Mom if I could come in a sleep with you and she said yes if you would apologize. Will you apologize to Mom for misbehaving so I can stay here tonight?"

Josh immediately said "I'm sorry Mom."

I replied "Thank you Josh."

Then Coco said, "Cool. Group hug!!!" Josh sprung up with a huge grin and the three of us hugged. After a bit of snuggling, Coco said "Josh, do you think you could be good all day tomorrow so I can stay with you?"

"Yes I can!"

Once I tucked Josh and Coco in, I told Josh that I know how hard things have been but that he needed to get his temper under control. He very quietly said, "I don't know how." I praised him for his honesty and promised to help him figure out how.

That night, thanks to Coco, we all went to sleep happy. I wonder if Coco could get Josh out of the middle of one of his tantrums. I may just try that.

Josh's Anger

2010-03-01T09:44:00.002-06:00

Josh's anger has reached a new high. All weekend, he was smarky. I may have made that word up, but it seems to perfectly describe his behavior...that is before it turns to angry, cold, hateful spite. What I mean by smarky is talking back and refusing to do anything I ask. When I say, "Josh please go put your shoes on." He snipes "No." When he's not defying me so directly, he's disagreeing with everything I say. When I don't remember something, he starts screaming that I'm lying to him. If I say I think butterflies are pretty. He'll say "No you don't."

This weekend he's started hitting me with whatever he has in his hands or with his bare hands. He know that anything he throws at me he loses for a time. Now I've had to add that anything he hits me with he loses for a period of time. So, he stopped actually hitting me and just runs behind me swinging his shoe horn, for example, at me without connecting. While doing this he is screaming HA!

On Thursday last week, Kung Fu Kids Austin came to daycare and gave the kids a quick lesson to sell us on signing the kids up for Kung Fu during daycare. I'm just guessing, but I think this may have sparked his new level of aggression. I did sign them both up, but I now plan on letting Joey participate but not Josh. Joey tells me that the guy definitely told them not to do the moves at home, but Josh isn't listening to that. He feels he has now been given tools to defend himself against me when he has to go to timeout.

When I put him in timeout this weekend, he screamed like it was torture...then he would giggle and try to break anything he could reach...then he would call me names. He's really, really angry. Saturday night was SO bad! But Sunday was a little better...I'm guessing he was just kind of tired of being difficult.

Josh's First Crush

2010-02-28T23:47:00.003-06:00

Josh is in love! He's in love with a girl in his class named Jacqueline. She's adorable. I'll try to find a picture of her from the fossil field trip earlier in the school year. Josh is head over heels for her. And he says she hates him. I hope that's not true. He has made her a paper ring that he plans to give her tomorrow and he's written her a song and drawn her lots of pictures. Seven years old seems young to be screaming I LOVE YOU on the playground...evidently he did that on Friday. He thinks about he all the time. I know this because he talks about her all the time. He's been in class with her all school year, but he has apparently just fallen in the last week or two. Wonder what she did to get his attention...or has he been harboring a crush all year. He just glows when he talks about her...it's so adorable!!

Hot vs. Cold Faucets

2010-02-26T23:17:00.000-06:00

On Tuesday, after throwing snowballs in the snow, Josh came inside running with tiny little strides saying "My hands are freezing. I need something warm. I need something warm." He was running in circles and almost crying. I handed him a towel to wrap his hands in and he decided he needed to run them under warm water. This was a good idea so I told him to do that in the half bath downstairs. He said, "No. There's no hot water in there." Huh? There's hot water in there. I asked and he just repeated himself. Josh kept running around the downstairs and didn't hear what Joey said next. "On our first day here, I switched the H and C on the faucets in there. He never said anything so I figured he's just figured it out. Oops." I looked at him and shook my head. He said, "Are you mad?" to which I replied "No, that's funny. But now I need to go fix it." So Josh has been washing his hands in cold water for 6 months without ever mentioning it.

I went into the bathroom and showed Josh that he could get warm water by using the C handle. As he warmed up his hands the new newly found warm water, he said "So H is for cold and C is for hot. Mom, that doesn't make any sense." Oh how true. Joey has since switched them back which, ironically, means Josh is having trouble finding the warm water again.

Emotional Growth Is Hard

2010-02-25T09:20:00.000-06:00

Speaking of emotional growth...well, we weren't, but I was with other people...in any case, emotional growth is hard. Sometimes it even hurts. And parenting is really hard too. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Of couse, I think the only people who think parenting is easy, aren't parents.

This morning Josh woke up cranky because he said he didn't get enough sleep. Thus, the argumentative side of him woke up right away. He went down from breakfast, but didn't want to eat the Raisin Bran that he'd previously picked out and started having a fit. I wasn't down there, so I didn't really know what the fit was about. When I went downstairs all I got was a series of grunts and whimpers. He was sitting on the sofa. I asked him if he wanted me to make his breakfast for him and he screamed NO at the top of his lungs. But when I walked behind the couch he crawled from one side to the other giggling like I was chasing him. It continues to amaze me that he can go from huffing and puffing mad to giggling in seconds. Normally when he's in the middle of a fit, my emotions are all tied up in it as well. And normally, in this circumstance, I would have been concerned that he was going to eat and get ready for school in time, so I would have been already stressed out. Also, normally, his giggling in the middle of a fit causes me to feel intense frustration. But this morning, I scurried around the sofa and tickled him. He continued to giggle. In a minute or so, I stopped and said "Let's go have breakfast." He stood up and took my hand and we walked to the kitchen. He started grunting and hurumphing and whimpering again within two minutes, but he did eat his breakfast...so that was progress. And I stayed even keel, and that was definitely progress.

Unfortunately, right as we were heading to school, everything got really ugly again. By this point, my patience had been tried and I was tired of being blamed for everything that goes wrong for him. I'm sure this is a typical problem for children. I'm sure all kids do this. But why does EVERYTHING have to be my fault. Well, that's an exaggeration. Some things are Joey's fault. But this morning, it was all me. It was my fault that he forgot his belt and had to go back upstairs to get it. It was my fault that it's cold outside. It was my fault that his eye got poked when he was putting on his coat, of course, I was no where near him. It was my fault that he was about to be tardy at school. It was my fault that he was tired.

People tell me this has to roll off me like water off a duck's back. I am getting better at that. I'm getting better at not having to answer every allegation or respond to every complaint. But I wouldn't say I'm good at it yet. I'm better at getting my emotions out of the situation and looking for the best way out of any conflict instead of having to win. But I have a ways to go on that as well. For every time I get it right, it seems it's followed by a time I don't. In this case, he stomped into the school with tears in his eyes. Even though he ate his breakfast and got to school on time, this wasn't a success for me.

Amblyopia Eye Exercises

2010-02-23T23:41:00.004-06:00

We'd moved from patching to dilating and then to only eye exercises. Quite a while ago I blogged about Joey getting diagnosed with Amblyopia. I've learned so much about that condition and about Joey since then. We started out trying to patch his glasses with an opaque sticker type patch. The net result was that Joey pretty much stopped wearing his glasses. Can you blame him? The boy's not stupid and the glasses were much harder to see out of. So, the doctor moved to dilation. This meant that every morning I put 1 drop of a dilating solution in his eye and he constantly walked around out of focus. This was to force the weaker eye to work...and that strategy really worked for us. He took the drop like a man. I was so proud of him. He never even really complained about it. I could tell he was eager for us to get to the end of that phase, but he really was such a trooper. I can't say that I would have handled it as well. The biggest problem was that it made it very hard to read at first, and Joey LOVES to read. The fact that he loves to read is such a postive that I hated to do something that might turn him off reading. His reading dramatically reduced for a few weeks, but then he adjusting and got right back to it.

After about 4 months, the doctor finally said we could stop dilating. Now we are down to only the eye exercises. These are boring to Joey, so they warrant much more complaining. But he does them and I can't wait to see if he gets improvement from these as well. For one exercise, he puts a pirate patch over one eye, under his glasses. There is a large letter chart on the wall and a tiny letter chart in his hand. Each chart has a grid of letters and numbers 10 by 10. He has to read the first four off of one and the next four off of the other and continue to switch back and forth. This forces his focus to move in and out. He has to be pretty close to the wall chart to see the letters with his weaker eye so he has to stay that close for his stronger eye. The idea is to treat both eyes the same so the even out their efforts. And, of course, our goal if for him to be able to move back away from the large chart slower but surely. When his weak eye is tired, he turns his head to look out the side of his eye like my grandmother used to do when she first got macular degeneration. At the very beginning of his eye exercises every night, I stand behind him and hold his head straight so we can work on his Optic Posture. The doctor has been talking to us about Optic Posture for a while now. Joey is really taking to this...after the first 10 minutes of whining. I don't begrudge him the whining about this. With what he's going through with his vision, I'd be whining all the time!

Joey's Math Homework

2010-02-22T22:26:00.000-06:00

Joey loves to do math, and he hates to get things wrong. He's extremely smart and learns very quickly and logically so he's very easy to teach. Except when he's finished his homework on his own and he's gotten something wrong. He wants me to check his work because he loves how impressed I get with how well he's doing. But sometimes he gets something wrong and can get very upset and very adamant that he's right. Most often he backs off quickly and asks me to explain...which I will and as soon as he sees the concept he can correct his work. But occasionally he insists that his teacher taught him something that she just couldn't have and I have to back off and let him learn it in class.

One night he was working on fractions and got so upset that I thought the total number went on the bottom when he KNEW it went on the top. I tried to reason with him and it just made him more sure. So, I said, "Okay. I'm just trying to help." Then I continued to make dinner. After a few minutes, he very calmly asked me to help him understand where the total goes. So, I did and now he's an expert in fractions. He's an absolute sponge! Helping these two young minds learn things that this is definitely one of the main things I love about being a parent!

Chess Club

2010-02-21T23:47:00.002-06:00

When the boys first started school, I received tons of paperwork to read, sign, fill-out, throw out, etc. One of the papers was about Chess Club. When I read it, I kind of laughed...but I wasn't going to make these types of decisions for them. I read the paper to them including the fact that Chess Club would meet on Tuesday mornings at 7am so they would have to wake up super early on those days. They both jumped up and down and said they really, really, really wanted to join the Chess Club. Really? Chess Club? Well, of course they do. They want to do EVERYTHING offered. Plus they have a floor size Chess set at daycare and perhaps that would be more fun to play with if they knew how. The funny thing was that we had to turn in the forms, and we would be notified later if they "made it" as they could only take 50 or so kids. Shocked me that they thought more than 50 kids would want to join Chess Club, but what do I know? Evidently nothing. They both made it, but the Chess Club is packed!! Ok, not really anymore, but it was at first. As with most things, the population wanes as time passes. They still LOVE Chess Club and we go every single Tuesday! They can't actually play chess yet but they can play many beginner type games on the board that is teaching them the pieces and how each can move. It's awesome for their logic and learning and I regret my skepticism. Luckily I kept my thoughts to myself. My new thoughts are much more postive!

I Wished For You

2010-02-19T11:15:00.000-06:00

Our family therapist recently suggested a book for us to read together. The book is I Wished For You, An Adoption Story, by Marianne Richmond. I ordered the book on Amazon and received it Monday. Last night I read the book to Joey. He loved it. The story talks about how a little boy bear is a Mama bear's wish come true. The Mama bear tells Barley, the toodler bear, how she wished for him and waited for him and imagined him for so long before she got the amazing news that she would get him. The story made Joey gush. He's in such a great place right now and these things were exactly what he loves to hear. We talked about how I'd wished for two brothers in early elementary school. He asked how I imagined him and I went into great detail about trying to imagine if they'd like sports or video games or arts & crafts. I imagined their room and their toys and their clothes. I thought about what we would do together and how we would laugh and dance and love each other so much. I told Joey that he is my wish come true. He smiled and said "And Josh?" and I said "And Josh." We hugged and kissed and it was bedtime. I hope he slept well and had good dreams.

Tonight I read the book to Josh. I had decided to read it to them separately so we could have separate bonds over it and they could ask different questions. It's always interesting to me what each of them takes from a story and what they ask or tell me. Josh listened. He fidgeted a lot, but he was paying attention. He kept interupting to make comparisons to him and his new monkey, Coco. I gave Coco to Josh for Valentine's Day and I'm so glad he loves Coco so much. But I was hoping he'd take to heart how the story relates to he and I instead of he and his new monkey. I told him how I reacted when I got the call telling me that I was going to get them...how I'd been praying for them for so long...how I cried and laughed and whooped when I heard...and how I'd called my sister and mom and Mel and we'd all celebrated together. When we'd finished the story, I told him I love him SO much and that it was time for bed. When I tucked him in and turned off the light and told him to have sweet dreams he said "You have sweet dreams too." Then I told him I love him, like I do every night. But tonight he said "Mom, I love you too." I smiled and set the door how he likes with about 4 inches open. Then I teared up and appreciated the love. Josh has told me "love you too" quite a few times, but not in a while and never with this much heart. With everything we've gone through lately, it really hit me in the gut and made me believe that everything just might be okay.

I went into my room to change into my nightgown. When I opened the bathroom door, Josh was sitting at the end of my bed waiting for me. He said, "Mom?" and I said "Yes?" and he said "I wished for you too." Whew. If you've been reading this blog for long, you know...wow. After getting him back in bed, I went downstairs to prepare their things for tomorrow.

Josh came to the top of the stairs and called for me. I went over and he asked if he could feed the dogs. Feeding the dogs in the evening is one of Josh's duties, but he often forgets. Him asking to feed them tonight was an indicator to me that he wants things to go back to "normal" and he wants to rejoin the family. For this reason, even though it was past bedtime, I let him come down and feed the dogs. As he filled the food cup for Quincy, he mumbled something. I went over and got close and down on his level and asked what he'd said. He repeated, "You are the most beautiful-ist thing ever." I melted and hugged him and we laughed and kissed each others cheeks over and over. I told him that he is the most beautiful-ist thing ever to me. Then he wanted me to sit in his room while he went to sleep because he felt scared of ghosts and at this point, don't tell him, but he could have anything he wanted...he could have had chocolate!! I hope he sleeps well and has good dreams too!

The Attack of the Pajamas

2010-02-18T11:21:00.000-06:00

Sometimes Josh sleeps in his camo long johns as pajamas. He also wears socks at night to keep his toes warm. Last night he wore his long johns with his tall baseball socks pulled up on the outside of the ankles of his pajamas. This morning he needed to take a bath. He turned on the water and began to undress. He removed his top, then pull his pants down over his feet. This is how he takes pants off...stepping one foot on the leg of the pant and pulling up with the leg until the pants come off. Only this time, his pajamas didn't come off.

The legs inverted until they were inside out. He started kicking and rolling around which flipped the top part through his legs until he was so tied up he could hardly move. Then he called for me to come help him. I came upstairs and found him lying naked across the floor with his feet handcuffed in his pajamas. He looked up and said "I'm stuck". I did manage to suppress my laughter in light of his frustration. But seriously, that was hilarious!

Mornings

2010-02-17T16:27:00.000-06:00

Most days we have a really hard time getting out the door to go to school. Josh asked to get up a bit earlier than Joey to give himself time to get ready, so I've of course obliged. Josh gets up at 6:35am and Joey gets up at 6:55am. But Joey still gets ready faster. Josh just can't seem to stay on course. We need to leave by 7:25am. They need to make their beds, eat breakfast, get dressed and brush their teeth...then put on shoes and get in the car. Eating breakfast can take Josh anywhere from 4 minutes to 30 minutes depending on his mood. I wish I could identify the specific circumstances that are in alignment when he gets ready in 10 minutes and comes in my room to chat before going down to put his shoes on. But I don't see any difference in those days than the ones that cause such an opposite reaction.

My new plan...as of today...is to try to get home from work earlier as often as possible to give us more time between getting home and Josh's bedtime. Then, I'll add some time for Josh and I to prepare him for the next day. We'll set out clothes and put everything in his backpack and put his backpack and coat in the car. My friend, Kraig, tells his daughter every night before bed "now remember, no fussing in the morning, right?" and she agrees each night. He says it's worked wonders. But she's two years old. Maybe I'll try it...it can't hurt, can it?

Anyone with any other ideas? What's worked for you?

Psychiatrist

2010-02-16T13:05:00.000-06:00

Today I took both boys to see the Psychiatrist. Joey has been going monthly for a while and he's very comfortable with it. He'd rather not go as he definitely sees it as a consequence for misbehavior. But he likes the time that it means he and I get to spend together without Josh. Well, this month Josh got to go with us...because of everything you might have read below. I broke the news to Josh gently last night and he took it well.

We each talked to the doctor. The doctor agrees that we need to get Josh tested for learning disabilities. He doesn't know if it's dyslexia or ADHD or something else, but that Josh has frustration with thinking and learning. There's evidently a local place that takes his insurance and can do the tests by appointment which will most likely be much quicker than asking the school district to do it. The doctor is concerned about Josh's violent impulses and loss of control. We will go back to see him next month. The next appointment will be two weeks after the adoption is finalized. It's entirely possible that everything has been caused by stress and will go away in early March. Hope so.

Six Flags Reading Contest

2010-02-15T16:07:00.000-06:00

Through school, both of the boys are participating in the Six Flag Six Hours of Reading contest. They have to read for 6 hours (360 minutes) to get a free ticket to Six Flags to be used this summer. Joey was so excited that he read like crazy and finished his Six Hours in record time. I think he was the first kid to turn in his reading log to the library. If I remember right, he did it in 7 days. I'm so proud of him.

Josh is taking longer, of course. The time has to be in addition to their regular homework reading and Josh really only has the reading stamina to read his homework and sometimes not even that. We have struggled and struggled and, as of yesterday, he had read 183 minutes...which alone is awesome for him. I reread the instructions and they say that my reading to him would count towards the total. I had wanted him to be able to do this himself. But I think that was too lofty of a goal for a struggling reader. So, last night I told him that my reading to him would count as well. We sat down and I read a long story and then he read a short story and then I read a long story. We logged 38 minutes yesterday...but even with me reading he loses interest and can't stand much more. The contest ends on February 24th...I'm sure we will make it. At this point, we need to read about 15 minutes every day until the deadline to make it. WE CAN DO IT!!!

Happy Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T21:21:00.000-06:00

We had a wonderful first Valentine's Day together! It could have gone either way given events of late, but we were all on good behavior. We got up early to have a Valentine's breakfast. I woke them up with their presents from me. Josh loved his big monkey and Joey just bloomed for his puppy dog. He immediately named his puppy dog Kathleen. Josh didn't name his until tonight...he named him Coco. Aunt Chris came over and we ate breakfast tacos and cinnamon buns. We all exchanged cards and gifts and such. Joey gave me a chocolate rose and Josh gave me a little heart shaped box of chocolates. We went to church then went to Lifetime so I could indulge myself in my Valentine's Day massage. Later we walked together at the middle school track and dropped by Piper's house to deliver BB Hawkins...Bumble Bee Hawkins...an adorable Valentine's Day bumble bee stuffed animal the boys wanted to get for Piper. The afternoon wrapped up with Josh's homework, dinner and a bunch of reading. Finally we all watched Olympic mogul freestyle. After just a few minutes of listening to the commentators, after one of the runs, Josh said "That run was tight." Kids are amazing!!

Video?

2010-02-13T20:46:00.001-06:00

Please give me your thoughts? I bought a video recorder for a variety of reasons...to record the boys playing sports, getting awards, singing and dancing on stage, learning new skills, etc. What are your thoughts on taping them when they have temper tantrums? Or even slight flare-ups? I know it's a negative thing, but I can't help but think it might help them understand what they are doing to see it. What do you think?

CPS Report

2010-02-11T15:50:00.001-06:00

Last night we were scheduled to talk to Heather, the boys' CPS caseworker. When we got home, the phone was ringing and Josh was in an unusually good mood. Joey talked to Heather first. While he was talking to her, Josh asked me for some Chapstick because his lips hurt really, really bad. I gave him Chapstick and pretty soon he started screaming that his lips were stinging. I've put Chapstick on really dry lips and sometimes it stings for a bit...so I knew what he meant. He screamed for water so I gave him some. He stuck his lips in the water and pretty soon he was fine. Joey was commentating the events for Heather on the phone...all accurately. Josh wanted Chapstick, lips sting, needs water, fine now. When Joey was finished sharing with Heather, he asked if Josh could talk to her. Of course.

Heather first asked about Josh's screaming. He didn't know what she was talking about. He didn't remember screaming. He put down the phone and came to me and said, "Mom, was I screaming?" I reminded him what had happened 2 minutes before and then he started to walk off. I reminded him he was on the phone with Heather. He picked the phone back up and started talking. I started working with Joey on his homework. Pretty soon, I started hearing some of Josh's conversation. I didn't overhear it all, but I got most of it.

Josh was telling Heather, his CPS worker, that he wants to leave. He doesn't want to be adopted by a mom that chokes him. He doesn't feel safe here and he doesn't feel loved here. Ouch. He tells Heather about a time (about a week and a half ago, but he doesn't remember when it was) when he was upstairs and was misbehaving and wouldn't come downstairs for a Timeout, so I carried him downstairs. He says I was choking him and he couldn't breathe. She asked how I carried him and he said with my arm around his waist and that he was screaming because he couldn't breathe. He said "And she didn't even care!!" He wants to be adopted by a mom that cares when she hurts him. He repeated the same story in the exact same words about 3 times. Then he said goodbye and handed me the phone.

I said Hello and Heather immediately told me not to worry because she didn't believe him. Whew. I was wondering how I was going to prove that what he was telling her wasn't true. Joey had said that he would talk to her and tell her what really happened, but I'd hoped that wouldn't be necessary. She mentioned that she knew you couldn't choke someone at the waist and that you can't scream if you can't breathe. She said that he couldn't be afraid of me and yet telling her all of this in front of me. When children are scared they don't get in the person's face that they are afraid of. She said that he's obviously mad at me and striking out to hurt me and possibly get me in trouble. He did hurt me. He didn't get me in trouble.

How do you guard your heart and also leave it open? How do I keep things like this from ripping my heart out of my chest while staying vulnerable enough to love them?

Heather thinks Josh needs to be evaluated by a Psychiatrist. She said that Joey hadn't needed medication until he was 7 and maybe Josh needs it too now that he's 7. She noticed that he can't remember something that happened a few minutes before with the screaming questions, and he gets confused about what order things happened in, and he's making stuff up and totally out of control physically and emotionally.

After talking to Heather, Josh immediately became elated and light and happy. It looked like he had removed a heavy burden from his shoulders. You could interpret this to mean that he'd been weighed down by his decision to want to leave and now that he'd finally told someone he trusted he could relax again. Or you could interpret this to mean that he was totally pleased with himself because he's managed to hurt me and will now get what he wants. I asked Joey why he thought Josh told Heather these things. He thinks Josh is mad. I agree. I asked Joey what he thought Josh was mad about. He thought about it for a bit and then said this about foster care..."At Mimi's house, Josh always got his way. He's mad because he's not getting his way about everything." I asked Joey if he understood why Josh couldn't always get his way. He looked at me like I was dense and explained that Josh won't every grow up if I give in to him all the time. He explained to me that Josh has to eat, bathe, brush his teeth, do his homework, go to bed, and go to school...that these things are important even if he doesn't want to do them. Joey is a very smart little boy.

Things were simpler when Josh was in foster care. Things were simpler when Josh was in Kindergarten. It's easier to have someone else wash your hair and read to you and pick out everything you'll wear. Josh would like to go back to when things where simpler.

This morning, Josh told Joey that he'd apologized to me. Joey asked me about it and I looked at Josh and said "You haven't apologized." Josh said "Yes I did. Right after my Timeout." I said, "Josh, you haven't been in Timeout today or at all since you talked to Heather yesterday." He looked confused. It looks like he's having trouble figuring out what order things happened in. I believe his thoughts and his memory are playing tricks on him.

1) I'm trying to get Josh an appointment with Joey's Psychiatrist next Tuesday.
2) I'm praying that I'll be able to let this go and not keep it around as one of my own demons. Once Josh and I get past this, I can't have it in my conscious or unconscious thoughts about our relationship. I've got to force the gaping hole in my heart to heal without a scar.

PARENTHOOD IS HARD!!!

Josh's Temper

2010-02-10T14:27:00.000-06:00

Well last night his stomach ache was gone...but his bad mood continued. Mostly he's just grumpy, which isn't fun to be around, but isn't a big deal. But at least 2-3 times a day it goes way overboard. He's gotten "Yellow" at school every day this week which means he missed recess because of misbehaving. The teacher writes in his planner what the problem was and it's been talking back, talking when he shouldn't, etc. I continue to laugh at the fact that we all thought Josh was so quiet when we first met him. Once he gets comfortable he's got quite a mouth on him.

Last night at the end of my Bible Study, he stomped out to the car and started screaming and kicking my seat. What he was screaming was impossible to understand. When I turned around and asked him what was wrong, he screamed at the top of his lungs "None of your beeswax!!" I promptly got out of the car, asked Joey to get out and opened Josh's door. Josh said, "I'm not going anywhere!!" I picked him up and led him inside to a Timeout. He screamed and hollered and kicked walls. When his 7 minutes were over, I went over and said "Your Timeout is over. Please stand up." and he said "NO!!" Normally, this would have caused him to get another Timeout because he obviously wasn't ready to behave yet. But I wanted to get them both home, so I ignored that. Never ignore the signs.

When we got back in the car, Josh continued to kick my seat and scream. I told him I couldn't drive until he was quiet and stopped kicking because it isn't safe. We sat there while he worked this all out for about 20 minutes. Then we finally went home.

He woke up this morning still misbehaving, mouthing off, talking back and saying such hateful things...and refusing to apologize.

Josh's Tummy Hurts

2010-02-09T13:43:00.000-06:00

I just got a call from the school nurse letting me know that Josh came to the nurses office with a stomach ache after lunch. I resisted the urge to ask what they'd fed him at lunch. She actually mentioned that he said it had hurt a bit before lunch and then more after. He's gone back to class because she has a few other children in the nurse's office that are sicker than Josh and she didn't want him to get what they have. I thanked her profusely for that. Plus, she said that after resting a bit he said he felt much better. I promised her I'd keep my phone handy this afternoon in case he comes back with more stomach problems.

When I think about it, every time that either Josh or Joey have had stomach aches, it's always been on Tuesday. This has only happened to Joey once and he was really sick. But it's not uncommon for Josh. So, what's different about Tuesday? They get up 1/2 hour earlier to go to Chess Club before school. And their breakfast is more "on the go", like breakfast bars, bagels, fruit and less time consuming like cereal with milk or Eggos with syrup. Plus they eat earlier because of the whole early school thing. Josh doesn't know the difference between hunger and stomach pain. Maybe before lunch, he's just hungry. Then, on top of that, I've been teaching him to eat until he's just a little over full so we can stretch out his stomach and he can eat enough to grow. Perhaps he's overeating because he's hungry and his Mom wants him to eat until he's just a little over full. Then after resting a little after lunch, he digests some food and all is better.

Hmmm...hope this is right. This would be reasonably easy to fix with a bit better planning on my part. Hope he's not really sick.

New Motivation

2010-02-08T14:55:00.000-06:00

I've started playing a new game that I need to start a new good habit...so I'm making blogging on this blog my new good habit. Thus, I'll be blogging on here 6 days a week. Woohoo! Each one may not be as long, but it will get me back to this. Hopefully I'll get the time.

Puzzles

2010-02-03T14:26:00.000-06:00

The boys have discovered puzzles. My mom bought them a couple of puzzles not long after they came to us, but they didn't know what do to with them really. Then, just after Christmas I went through one of my puzzle crazy stages...where I do one after another. Joey loved sitting with me and staring at the puzzle pieces. I would explain to him my logic to doing puzzles. Eventually he started putting pieces in. They were always in the wrong places, but it was a start. When he would go to bed, I would go back and take all of them out. Then one day he put one in the right spot. We danced and fist bumped and sang "it's your birthday, it's your birthday"...we celebrated!! The next day he looked harder and harder to find a piece that fit.

Towards the end of the last puzzle I did in that puzzle crazy phase, he must have placed 10 correct pieces. Then, we went to visit Grandma and Grandpa. Joey found the puzzles she'd bought and they both started working the 50 piece puzzles intently. About a week later, they talked Aunt Chris into getting them some new puzzles at the Dollar Tree. Two days later, we were back at Dollar Tree getting even larger puzzles. Both Josh and Joey are working the puzzles, but Joey's is a puzzle obsession that mirrors mine. Although he hasn't yet reached the end of this puzzle crazy phase, I believe it will come. It's a new toy to him and I love it. Doing puzzles increases focus and problem solving and organization skills and the ability to play alone...which Joey has real trouble with. It's a fantastic eye exercise for his vision too! I couldn't be more happy about their interest in puzzles!

Hello Out There

2010-02-02T09:45:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging lately. I don't want anyone to worry about us. I've just been very busy and, for some reason, blogging hasn't risen to the top of the priority list. Here's an update:

Josh is having trouble in the mornings, dinnertime, bathtime, bedtime...playtime...you name it. In the mornings he wakes up in a bad mood. He whines and cries and generally acts like he's two years old. Last Friday evening I sat down with him and we talked about what we could do to help him in the mornings. He said that he doesn't like being rushed so waking up earlier seemed like a good idea to him. Yesterday and today I woke him up 10-15 min earlier so he wouldn't be as rushed. So far he just sits at the breakfast table crying that he's tired and not eating so he still ends up rushed when he finally moves. I don't think he is really tired. I think he's just cranky. At dinnertime, he rarely eats his food within a reasonable amount of time. I used to give him 30 min and then I'd take the food away, but I've stopped doing that because he wasn't getting enough food.
I assume that most of the nastiness is to get attention, so I've tried to massively increase the attention I give to him when he's behaving and ignore him when he's misbehaving so that I can get more of the behaving. It's hard because there's so little time that he's actually behaving. I feel so bad for him because it must be just miserable to be him right now. I've been in bad moods before, but I don't remember it ever lasting for so long.

We are trying to schedule the adoption for March 8, 9, or 10 in San Antonio. He's said that getting the adoption over with is something he's anxious about and maybe it's drawing out too long for him. Or maybe kids just go through phases like this and I need to get used to it. I also need to continue to reiterate to him that he needs to eat. He's tired because he's not getting enough to eat and he's not growing because he's not getting enough to eat. He says he's not hungry, but the more he'll eat, the more he'll be able to eat. We need to stretch out his stomach so more can fit in and he gets hungry more often.
Joey is really doing well. He's excited about things and having fun. He misbehaves rarely and gets over it pretty fast when he does. Honestly, Joey's happiness may actually be a factor in Josh's misery. They definitely tend to trade off.

Christmas

2010-01-04T14:57:00.000-06:00

For those of you that have been worried about us over the Christmas holidays, thank you very much and all went well for us. We went to my parents house in Temple to celebrate. Santa came and filled the boys' stockings and left a few toys. He gave them a huge Fun Roller to use outside to roll around in. They loved that toy and it helped them expend a lot of spare energy. He also brought them golf putters and a putting surface with Longhorns on it. They received lots of presents and tons of love. They were both very gracious about all of the gifts and not just ripping into everything. They paid attention to who gave them each thing so they could be thankful. I was really very impressed. The most impressive part was the attention they gave to each gift over the next few days. They would take a certain present and fully open it and figure out what to do with it and make sure everyone knew they enjoyed themselves and liked the present. Then they would go on to the next present.

They both behaved themselves very well. After Joey decided to stop talking smack about Santa, he was a little angel the rest of the visit. Josh had typical kid issues, but nothing even worth writing about. They both agreed that it was the best Christmas EVER! ...which pleases me, but I wasn't going at it like a competition. Really I limited myself quite successfully as I didn't want to set the bar for future Christmas' too high.

I thank you all for your prayers and encouragement! We are all set for an amazing 2010!!

Do We Have A Maid?

2009-12-30T21:48:00.000-06:00

We were sitting at Schlotzsky's having lunch on December 27th when Josh said, "Do we have a maid?"

I answered, "Yes."

He sat quietly thinking for a minute, then he said, "Seemed like it was the same guy who took our order that made our sandwiches."

I sat quietly thinking for a minute, then I said, "I don't understand, sweetie." Then it hit me, "Are you asking if we have a waitress?" He got very excited and replied, "Yes, that's what I mean...Do we have a waitress?"

We discussed how they hadn't been to any restaurants with waitresses before they came to live with me, so they aren't really very familiar with the word. They only ate at Jack In The Box and at home with their biological family. Then they just ate at home and drive-thru fast food restaurants in foster care.

The first time we ate in a sit-down restauarant was Waterloo Ice House and I remember them mentioning what a nice restaurant it was. Now, nothing against Waterloo, but I don't think of it as a really "nice" place...I don't even think they are going for "nice". But it does have waitresses and you do pay a check.

This day at Schlotzsky's reminded me again what a huge change coming to live with me has been for the boys and how remarkably smoothly it's gone. As a matter of fact, they handled eating in "nice" restaurants so well that it's easy for me to forget they haven't been doing it for long.

Second Grade Truce

2009-12-18T22:35:00.002-06:00

Wednesday night, right before bed, I asked Joey how his day had gone. He said fine. I asked if anything good happened. Not really. Did anything bad happen? “No, well except when I got hit in the nuts with a lunchbox.” Oh? Are you okay? He said yes, and suggested I could probably guess who it was. Josiah? Yes, but it was an accident. I told him I was proud of him for knowing that it was an accident given their recent history. He said they had talked on Monday and agreed to stop kicking each other in the privates. Plus, Josiah was looking the other way and swinging his lunchbox. He couldn’t have done it on purpose. That’s when I gave him a huge hug and told him how mature it was for them to discuss the problem and agree to a truce. I gave him a chip for making such a smart decision.

A carrot or a stick?

2009-12-17T21:14:00.006-06:00

Don’t worry. I’ve not really used a stick. But I’m trying to switch from taking things away when they misbehave (stick) to giving them positive things when they behave (carrot). The new plan was introduced to me by Pathways’ super nanny, Linda. Linda suggested that I start giving the boys something like poker chips when they do something I like and provide them with a schedule of what they can trade the chips in to get.

I borrowed my sister’s poker chips and bought them each clear plastic boxes to keep their chips in. I bought letter stickers to put their names on the boxes and gave them stickers to decorate them. I made a list of things they can trade the chips for…15 minutes of Wii time, 15 minutes of TV time, go on a walk with Mom, etc. The boys are both very excited about this. It only took them a few days to stop telling me that I should give them a chip for this or that. I kept explaining that it had to be something I thought of, not set behavior or at their suggestion.

Mostly I have used this strategy exactly as Linda intended…but a few times I found myself twisting it just a little. For example, when Joey is arguing with everything I say, I might give Josh a chip for not arguing with everything I say. Or when Josh whines about having to take a bath, I might give Joey a chip for taking a bath without a fuss. This isn’t the best to use the strategy…but it works just as good as giving them chips for good behavior when the other one isn’t misbehaving.

Drowning in Christmas Presents

2009-12-16T20:12:00.000-06:00

I know it sounds ungrateful and I am anything but ungrateful, and yet...the boys are getting WAY too many toys right now. I remember hearing in Pride training that they would get a bunch of toys for their first Christmas with me...but I guess I didn't know what that meant. To add to it, Josh's birthday just passed, so he's just been showered with presents.

Now we have Christmas and I can't even believe what we are receiving. My adoption agency had a Christmas party and they each received 3 packages which each held at least 3 toys. That was about 9 toys each at that one party. Then CPS is sending them each a large box filled with toys which I should receive in a few days. Everyone in my family has been anxiously awaiting our first Christmas together and none of us is very good at self-control when it comes to giving presents. And on top of that, Santa's been told where we'll be spending the night on Christmas Eve!

Both Josh and Joey have practically emptied their toy bins into our Charity bin in anticipation of the rush of new toys. I'm particularly appreciative of that because I don't know where we'd put them all if they hadn't. I'm not sure it was done in a truly giving spirit, but whatever. This is going to be a fun Christmas morning and everyone in my family has been excited about having kids there to open presents for...well, for years. My sister and I have been happily filling the kid role for 40 plus years, but we are just as eager to step aside and watch some new blood ravish the wrapping paper.

On the other hand, I don't want to raise spoiled children. I want them to understand the true meaning of Christmas. I want them to value family time and cherish the spirit of giving. And I want them to understand that Christmas is the celebration of Jesus' birth and what that means to them. They each have a strong belief in God and they are beginning to understand that Jesus came to offer us salvation. But, that's a pretty heavy concept for kids. So, for now...they really love Santa and presents and pie!!

It Worked!!

2009-12-15T22:32:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it worked. I mean, I can...but seriously I had doubts. I've been reading Supernanny's book and our case managers and therapists have been giving me advice. We've been trying to figure out how to head Joey's temper tantrums off before he explodes. They've told me to redirect him, try to distract him, or include him in whatever's going on when he seems to be starting up.

Saturday morning, Joey turned off the light and closed the bathroom door while Josh was using the bathroom. Obviously this was intended to freak Josh out. It worked. Josh screamed, finished his business and ran out of the bathroom, across the room and slugged Joey hard in the side. I hadn't seen what Joey did, but I saw what Josh did. Josh was immediately put into timeout. For the entire 7 minutes, he cried and screamed and whined about how it was all Joey's fault. However noisy he was, he did stay in the timeout spot for the full 7 minutes. After, he explained what he had done wrong, apologized and gave me a big hug.

During Josh's timeout, Joey came downstairs and into the kitchen where I was doing dishes. He was strutting so I asked him if he thought it was cool to freak Josh out. He said he was just playing. I told him that I didn't consider his behavior "playing". He starting to whine..."You never believe me. You only like Josh. You don't even like me. You always believe him over me. You only like little kids. You're mean." ...etc. I pointed out that Josh is the one that was in timeout. This made him pause for a second, but he was able to just throw that little fact out and keep going. That was when it occurred to me that it looked like we were headed into a tantrum. So, I very calmly said, "Joey, would you please help me empty the dishwasher?" He paused, took a big Harumph and silently started emptying the dishwasher. After a few minutes, I started to leave the kitchen, then stopped, turned back and said "Thank you for helping me." He just looked at me then rolled his eyes. I said "Joey?" and he said "You're welcome." ...and it was over.

Wow. Amazing as well was that it worked again a few hours later. Then, a few hours after that, I asked him to come close on the sofa and I said "Joey, twice today it's looked like you were headed into a temper tantrum. Both times you were able to pull back out of it. I'm really proud of you for that." He nodded and looked cautious, but proud.

I went on "You seem edgy today. Do you feel edgy today?"

"No."

"I'd rather not go there if we can avoid it. Would you rather avoid that too?"

"Yes."

"Ok, let's see if we can get through the day."

"Okay." And we did. This is a miraculous step forward for us!!!

Sent to the Principal's Office

2009-12-11T08:56:00.001-06:00

Joey was sent to the principal’s office at school yesterday for the first time. Slightly after 10am in the morning, his teacher called me to tell me he had been sent to the principal’s office for aggressive behavior…specifically for kicking another boy in the privates. Joey? That sounds more like Josh. But let me back up just a bit. In the last few weeks, Josh has gotten much more physically aggressive towards Joey at home. Josh is always hitting or kicking. When I’ve told Josh not to hit and to keep his hands and feet to himself, he’s confused. Evidently no one has ever told him this before. Joey tells me Josh got away with being physical at the foster home because he was so much smaller than everyone else, so he never really hurt anyone. Well, in the last two weeks or so, Josh has walked up to Joey and punched him in the privates at least twice. Joey immediately falls to the floor crying. So far, Joey has never fought back. This is why it took me by surprise that his teacher was telling me that Joey did this.

On the other hand, it’s possible that Joey can’t fight back with Josh because Josh is so much smaller, so he’s taking it out on the kid at school. Another possibility is that Josh’s actions offered Joey a new weapon for his arsenal and he’s using it.

In any case, Joey’s teacher explained that she didn’t think he’d acted out of meanness. I said, “So, you think it was an accident?” And she said, “Well, no.” She had tried to talk to Joey about it but he was so upset that he was going to the principal’s office that he shut down and stopped talking. His teacher said the principal would be calling me and she had just wanted to give me a heads up.

The asst. principal called within an hour. She said she had Joey there with her and needed to report an incident of aggression towards his classmates to me.

Here’s what she described:

Joey came to the principal’s office because he had knee’d another boy in the privates. He embellished his story, so the other kids that had been near, including the boy who had been hurt, were brought in to investigate and try to find the truth. Apparently many of the kids had different stories of what they were talking about while lining up to go to recess, but the most repeated story was that they had been discussing a time when Joey had knee’d another boy in the boys bathroom. At this point, it was reported that Joey knee’d the boy. She didn’t tell me what the embellishment consisted of or who any of the kids involved were. Joey was given a written warning for his first offense and, because of the seriousness of the incident, he would have to eat lunch apart from his class for two days. She asked me to call after I’d talked to him if I found out anything more. My response was that I thought the consequence was appropriate but to note that Joey’s temper trigger seems to be rejection and being isolated. I just wanted her to be alert that this consequence could cause him to escalate. I also told her about Josh’s recent behavior and that it could have contributed to Joey’s even thinking to attack in this way. She appreciated the additional information.

I had all afternoon to formulate my strategy for the evening as I didn’t get another call. Much of me worried that Joey would escalate and that I would hear from them again…but I didn’t. This fact shouldn’t be skirted over…do you see what this means? Joey managed to get into trouble, receive consequences and NOT escalate the situation! Part of my strategy would be to praise him for that. Also, I planned to ask him how it felt to be walking to the principal’s office knowing he would be getting into trouble…and what he thought about the consequences he was given…and how he had felt when we walked back into the classroom. I had a plan that I hoped would prevent an additional blowup and possibly get me more information on what had happened.

I picked the boys up at daycare at 4:50pm. Joey’s Fit Academy class starts at 5:00pm so we were in a hurry as usual. Josh seemed very excited and asked “Are we going home?” I said “Home? No silly. We are going to the gym.” Joey quickly got his things and kind of avoided looking at me. As we were getting in the car, Josh started telling me that Joey had told him what happened. He wanted to get into the details. Joey wanted Josh to not bring it up. Finally Joey said “Mom, are you mad?” and I said no. I asked him if he thought that behavior was okay with me. He said no. I nodded and told him he was right and that I knew he knew that so I didn’t see any point in beating him over the head with it. He took a deep breath and said “Whew!” I told him we would discuss it later and proceeded to change the subject to casually talk about other things.

Josh seemed to be both frustrated and mad that Joey didn’t get in trouble with me. Perhaps that’s because Josh gets in trouble for hurting Joey this way. After the class, I asked Josh if he was upset that I wasn’t upset with Joey. He said no. He thought about it a minute and then he said he didn’t understand why Joey DID get in trouble at school. He said that boys do that all the time and don’t get into trouble. I asked who and he said people he didn’t know. I don’t know if this is true or not, but I explained that they should get into trouble and why this is not allowed.

The rest of our evening was about dinner and homework. Once Josh was asleep and Joey had finished his homework, he and I sat down on the couch to discuss what had happened. I was prepared to hear “embellishment” and excuses, so I reminded him that he wasn’t in trouble at home so there was no reason to lie. And I started the conversation asking when he had hurt the first boy in the bathroom, what day was that? He was confused by the question because it had been earlier in the morning on the same day. Then I mentioned that the incidents had been with more than one boy and he said no just Josiah. So, immediately I get to two things that differ from what the principal had been told. But it makes more sense to me that it was just one boy and one day.

Joey claims that he and Josiah were playing around in the bathroom and Joey accidentally knee’d Josiah. Josiah didn’t tell the teacher about that. But then when they were lining up for recess Joey and Josiah were discussing that Joey had done that and Josiah knees Joey back. No one sees this, but it makes Joey mad so he knees Josiah back. By this point they were making noise and the other kids had turned around and only saw what Joey did, not what Josiah had done. He said no one believed him that Josiah had hurt him first. At this point, I took Joey back to the bathroom scene so he could understand that he had started it in the first place so Josiah hadn’t actually hurt Joey first.

He said that Josiah was going to want revenge and that Joey wanted revenge too. I asked what he meant by him wanting revenge and he said “I want Josiah to get in trouble if he comes after me.” When I asked if he knew how to make that happen, he explained that his plan is to make sure there is someone right by him anytime Josiah is near him and that he’ll tell the teacher right away if Josiah hurts him. Right answer!

Joey biggest complaint was that no one believed him. He said that for a minute in the principal’s office he thought he was winning but then he lost. When I asked him what he meant by winning he said it looked like they were going to believe him but then they all believe Josiah in the end.

I know most mothers want to believe their kids over other people and they want to believe their kids couldn’t possibly do what they’ve been accused of…but I’m kind of the opposite. Given my history so far with Joey, I tend to think he’s lying to me and that he most likely did what the majority of the kids say. But, in this case, Joey’s story made much more sense than what had been pieced together by the principal. Joey loves school and he loves his friends and he loves being liked by everyone. Joey hates getting into trouble at school. It’s highly unlikely that he was just going around hurting various kids with no provocation at all. I am in no way condoning his behavior as he was the aggressor here. But I’m able to help him learn how to not get himself in this situation in the first place.

We talked about he felt throughout just like I’d planned. He said it was scary when he didn’t know what his consequence would be. He has to eat lunch in the principal’s office in silence. That’s better than what I had pictured with him at a table by himself in the lunchroom for all the kids to start at. He didn’t like eating in the office, but he said he made the best of it and even kind of had fun by himself. Wow…I’m so impressed! I told him I was proud of him for making the best of the situation. He said that he is probably now the most hated kid in his class. I asked him how he would feel about one of his classmates if this had happened to them. He thought about this for a minute or so and then said he thought he would feel bad for them. I agreed and said that his classmates will probably feel bad for him as well and not to worry about it.

This morning I went to visit the principal and explain just a few things: (1) only Joey and Josiah have been involved so they need to be watched, (2) they might not be finished with this little battle so they need to be watched, (3) this all happened on one day, not spread over a few days, and (4) I actually against all odds believe that Josiah kicked Joey in the hall, but that I don’t think that should change anything about Joey’s consequences.

I’ve asked some men why guys do this to each other and they have explained that it’s just a method to exploit another’s weakness. Huh. Sometimes they are a mystery!

Josh's 7th Birthday Party

2009-12-07T13:43:00.000-06:00

Josh's 7th Birthday is next Wednesday, December 9th. But we had his "fake birthday" yesterday. The boys say he is now "fake 7". What that really means is that we had his birthday party yesterday. We held it at Extreme Fun which is a bouncy house place and he had 10 of his friends to celebrate with him. It was fantastic!! No one cried, fought, peed or puked. He got a great variety of presents: laser guns, art supplies, puppets, Legos, a bike horn, action figures, etc. His friend Piper's mom made cupcakes that were delicious and we all ate pizza. It was easily one of the best birthday parties I've even been to!! So, my first attempt at giving a child's birthday party was a SUCCESS!!!

Does Santa know my new name?

2009-11-24T15:53:00.000-06:00

On Sunday morning on the drive to church, Josh and I had the following conversation:
Josh: Mom, does Santa know my new name?
Me: Yes he does. And he knows where you live now too.
Josh: Who told him?
Me: (long pause) Jesus told him. You know that Jesus knows your new name and where you are, right?
Josh: Yes.
Me: Well, Jesus and Santa are tight.
...some silence...
Josh: Ok, so Jesus told Santa my new name and Santa will be able to find me on Christmas.
Me: Yes. Christmas is Jesus' birthday, so Christmas is more about Jesus than it is about Santa.
(Yeah, good try.)

Later that day, we were driving to my parents house with my sister (Aunt Chris) to celebrate Aunt Chris' birthday. Joey started talking about not liking science and Aunt Chris was determined to change his mind. She kept starting conversations with Joey that she knew he would find fascinating and want to know more about and then saying, "Joey, do you know what that is? That's science!" It went on a while and became kind of a joke between them. Josh and I didn't really participate. This was a game Aunt Chris and Joey were playing.

Even later that day, my mom was showing Josh the Christmas decorations. He handled each ornament as high up on the tree as he could reach. Never dislodging any of them. Then this conversation occurred:
Josh: Grandma, I know some science.
Grandma: You do?
Josh: Yes.
Grandma: What science do you know?
Josh: Do you know how Santa Claus knows where we are? God tells him. And that's science!

Mom turned towards me with the biggest grin. Kids can say the cutest stuff!!

Got Milk?

2009-11-20T23:39:00.001-06:00

Today Josh was awarded a Pioneer Pride award at school! The award was for having a positive attitude and determination toward learning to read. I'm so proud of him!! To celebrate we went to dinner at Chucky Cheese's. They had been asking to go to Chucky Cheese's and I hadn't yet complied. They were both so very excited to go!

The boys both ordered individual pizzas and milk. Joey has trouble drinking milk out of a carton, so I asked for cups. The staff gave me cups with lids and straws. Perfect. Meghan had met us there for dinner and she filled Josh's milk cup and I filled Joey's. The pizza came and the boys returned from the games to eat. Joey was sitting next to me. He tried the pizza and the milk. He said, "The milk at Chucky Cheese sucks." I didn't really pay much attention. A few minutes later he said "I've found the only thing that's bad at Chucky Cheese...the milk." I looked at the cup and said, "May I have a drink." Yes. So, I took a sip. OH MY GOODNESS!!! Seriously sour milk! Joey giggled at my nasty face and said, "Don't barf Mom." I wasn't sure I wasn't going to. By then I was laughing too. Wow, that’s bad. He laughed more and said he'd almost stopped me, but figured, oh well. And then he said, "You should have believed me." Yes, that's very true. I asked how much of it he had drank. One large sip. I said I was sorry he’d had even that much and that I was also sorry that I had. Meghan took it to the counter and traded it for a good one, but I think both of our appetites for milk had been soured at that point.

I imagine that will be one of those bonding stories that Joey tells for years to come and we both get to laugh about it. What a fun evening!

Money From Friends

2009-11-18T09:35:00.000-06:00

What's the deal with my kids and money? Other kids money. The first time Joey brought home another kid's dollar, he tried to hide it from me. Obviously not very well. When I asked him what he'd just stuffed in his pocket, he lied to me about it. When I found it, he said one of the kids at daycare gave it to me.

Why?

I don't know.

I was stumped about what I thought about this. But I knew he couldn't keep it because he'd lied to me about it. I told him I would bring it to daycare the next day and we'd return it to her. And we did. When I handed it to him and told him to return it, she came over and took it back without any expression. I wonder why she gave him a dollar.

Then, a few weeks ago, Joey was having one of his temper tantrums and took all of his allowance money and put it in his pocket. I didn't force him to put it back. I looked for it in his room, just to see if I could figure out his hiding place. Had I found it, I would have left it alone. He needs to trust that I won't take his money, even if I'd be putting it back in his own money envelope. But I didn't find it. About a week later, during a therapy session, he mentioned having given all of his money to his friends. I was really surprised. I asked if he had given it away because he thought I would take it away if he kept it. He said yes. I told him again that I will not take away the money he's already earned. Not for misbehaving. Not to pay restitution for destroyed property. Okay, so here's an example of a kid giving another kid money. I wonder what those kids told their parents.

The next mystery was when Josh came home yesterday with a five dollar bill in his pocket. He pulled it out and told me about it right away. I asked him who gave it to him and he said Lawrence.

Why?

I don't know.

Joey pipes up and announces that I have to let him keep it because he didn't lie about it and try to hide it from me. I don't know what to do about it. I explained to both of them that I'm concerned because bullies get money from other kids through unkind means and that I don't understand why kids keep giving them money. They reiterated that they don't know why the kids give them money, but they aren't bullying anyone or forcing them to.

Huh. Any ideas what I should do?

Dazed and Confused

2009-11-17T12:17:00.000-06:00

I haven't been blogging lately because so much is going on and I don't know what to say about it. This new life is truly a roller coaster. We are having many days that are so much fun, but they are interspersed with some horrible clashes. The boys are still taking turns misbehaving. But the temper tantrums are rising to new levels. I, on the other hand, am doing an increasingly good job of pretending it doesn't bother me. Ha!

I like to think I'm not too materialistic and the boys mean more to me than any possession I could possibly have. But...I've been living alone for 9 years where no one broke anything but me. So when Joey puts my home telephones in the dog bowl to punish me or Josh makes a gash in my brand new dining room table with the sharp, eraser-less end of a pencil, it does hurt me...even though I have to pretend it doesn't bother me at all. This is something I'm struggling with. The stuff does not matter more than the boys...but it doesn't matter zero either. I've worked very hard to live in a nice home with nice furniture and such. And if they destroy it all, I will still find ways to love them through that. On the other hand...I really hope they don't.

Josh is having a really hard time. He has started copying Joey's temper tantrums to the best of his tiny frame's ability. He screams "Meany" and "I hate you" and "I just want to die". All of which he got from Joey. And Joey has been ramping up at such a velocity that the psychiatrist has put him back on meds. He's extremely unhappy about that. But, so far, he's taking them without incident.

On the fun side, we went to a UT football game with the whole family that was tons of fun. We went to the Pond Springs Fall Festival at their school and played games and really enjoyed ourselves. They are loving rock climbing and Fit Academy and Chess Club.

The good parts are really good and the bad parts are really bad. Extreme times.

Eating Veggies

2009-11-03T15:42:00.004-06:00

Once I received the same advice on how to get Josh and Joey to eat vegetables five times, it was time to try it out….and I’m telling you, this is GENIOUS! Get the individual cups of peanut butter, some ranch dressing, cottage cheese, whatever you can think of to dip veggies into. Then clean and chop up or slice a variety of fruits and veggies: carrots, celery, cauliflower, broccoli, cucumber, grapes, apples. Serve up a Dipping Dinner! Get into the fun of trying new combinations.

When I tried it with Josh and Joey, Joey’s first reaction was “There’s something wrong with this dinner! It’s missing the good part.” I just ignored him and kept preparing dinner. Once we started eating, he LOVED it! They both had tons of fun dipping and crunching. We had invited my sister, their Aunt Chris, over to eat with us. Josh enjoyed counting to 3 and having us all crunch our veggies on 3. When we left the table, we were all stuffed and happy. What a difference from the usual vegetable battle! Thank you to all that had given me the suggestion. Genius!!

Giving Adoption Advice

2009-11-02T21:46:00.000-06:00

Ha! That’s funny. Me? My little family is just 3 months old. What do I know? In any case, tonight I went to my adoption agency and sat on a panel of adoptive parents telling our stories to the future adoptive parents currently in PRIDE training. I love talking about my experiences so I was happy to go. Naturally, right after I left, I started thinking of things I should have told them or better answers than what I gave. What I did think to do was give them the address to this blog, so maybe I can rectify that here.

I had mentioned my concerns about my large dogs being frightening to the boys when they first met. Then what really happened which was that the dogs were scared to trembling of the noise the boys brought to the house. One of the ladies asked how they are all doing now and how long it took for all of them to feel comfortable. My answer was that Cooper is still a little tentative but they all play and cuddle so I feel like they are doing fine. I don’t think I answered how long that took…which was really just a few days. But there’s actually something else I think that is important.

I tell everyone that I’m adopting the boys. Sometimes I get unexpected help just by being willing to put myself out there that way. My dogs go to Taurus Training and Doggie Play Day every couple of weeks to play with other dogs and burn off energy. The first time we all took the dogs to Taurus, I asked the guy at the front desk if the boys could tour the back so they could understand what Cooper and Quincy were going to be doing all day. They knew that Cooper and Quincy didn’t have little boy owners so we naturally got into a conversation about my adoption. Evidently word got around because the owner, who had originally trained both Cooper and Quincy, sent me an email congratulating me and asking if she could help. She suggested I bring Josh and Joey and the two dogs to Taurus the following Saturday so she could spend some time with them and teach them how to respect large animals so no one would get hurt. We only spent about an hour there, but it was fantastic! Melanie explained that leaning their weight on the dog’s backs is rude to the dogs. She went into detail about how to treat them and not be threatening. I’m not claiming that Josh has never leaned on Quincy again, but much less often and it’s easier for me to get him to stop.

The other thing I thought of that I might have shared was not being prepared for the public bathroom question. I had worked out a lot of things before I got the boys…but I hadn’t even thought of the issue of whether or not I let them go to the bathroom by themselves in public. That very first day that I had them in San Antonio presented this problem to my about 6 times and I think I solved it differently each time. What I knew then was that I just needed a strategy and to stick to it. It almost didn’t even matter what the strategy was. The problem is that I’ve found one strategy doesn’t fit all circumstances. So, I still waver. Based on the vibe of the situation, sometimes I insist them come into the women’s restroom, sometimes I let them go into the men’s together, sometimes I’ll even let them go alone. If the bathroom is a standalone one, I can look in and then let them go. If it’s a larger one, that’s not possible. If it’s a crowded place, I take them in the women’s restroom. I don’t even know all of the criteria for my decisions sometimes, which must be very confusing for Josh and Joey. I know Joey hates going in the women’s restroom. Josh doesn’t really care either way. Josh will even go in a stall with me if we have to and just turn the other way if I need to go, without even being asked, like this had been happening in his life previously and he gets it. That points out another thing I’ll get to in a minute. But for now, I only suggest people who are planning to adopt put some thought into this because it’s very stressful to have to decide at the spur of the moment.

The other thing I’d just thought of is how bizarre it can sometimes be to find that so many things have occurred in their lives that I know nothing about. Little things. Big things. It seems sometimes like we are in a very long interview. I’ll ask them if they know who Michael Jackson is and they’ll do to the moonwalk. Then they’ll ask me if I’ve always had this same car. It’s fun and it’s exhausting. I’m still looking forward to next year or the year after when we have some history to base our relationship on.

It was fun talking to the PRIDE class. I hope I get to do that again! Maybe next time I’ll feel more like I know what I’m talking about. Maybe not.

Decorating Their Room

2009-10-30T23:07:00.001-05:00

Once I’d decided to adopt…really decided…then I started fantasizing about how I would fit these unknown children into my home. I have a three bedroom house with a loft area that had been set up as a pretty comfortable exercise room. One extra bedroom was my office and the other is an extra bedroom for Mom and Mel to stay in when they visit…or anyone else, but no one else visits. In any case, where would I put the imaginary boys?

I was trying to decide if they should go in one room or two. Well, doesn’t it depend on how many of them I get? I decided to imagine two. Should they share a room or get their own? Should I give them the choice? One of my Facebook friends suggested that what kids want most is to know that I’m decisive and dependable. He said I should decide and tell them, not wait and ask them.

I decided to put them in the office. So, I methodically started getting rid of all of the office furniture and as much of the paperwork and books as possible. Anything work related, I took to the office. Then I created a new office in the closet in the loft. Yes, that’s what I said. I put a file cabinet in there and lots of shelves. My goal was to get my office needs reduced enough to fit in a closet. I’m happy to report that I was successful in that endeavor. Once the room was emptying out, I was ready to fill it. But I didn’t have kids yet…didn’t even know how many or what ages I would end up with. The room stayed empty.

When I learned of Josh and Joey, I was ready to start buying bunk beds and such, but the case managers told me to hold on. They said I could get rid of anything that, if everything was to fall through, I’d still have wanted to get rid of. They cautioned that anything can happen in these situations and to just be patient. Ha! Be patient? Ugh. The room stayed empty.

Once I’d been picked to get Josh and Joey, I knew much more about what furniture I would want. I decided on bunk beds. Can I buy furniture yet? Yes, but be careful. I went to Rooms to Go Kids and found the coolest set of wooden bunk beds with a matching tall dresser and bookshelf. It was pretty expensive, but my kids are worth it! They had 0% financing that day so I wanted to buy it, but I was supposed to “be careful”. Hmmm…When I asked about returning the furniture if it was never used, they explained their policy. After it’s delivered and assembled, it’s mine. No returns. But before it’s delivered, I could delay delivery or cancel delivery and get something else. No option was to cancel altogether. I decided to go ahead and buy the furniture but to put off delivery for a few weeks. Once I knew when the Presentation Staffing would be I could call and delay delivery until after that. The concern, of course, was that something might go awry that day and I’d have furniture for kids I wasn’t getting. A few days before the delivery date, I called and delayed a few more weeks because the Presentation Staffing still hadn’t been scheduled. This happened a few times. Finally, the staffing was scheduled for July 23rd. I called and schedule my furniture delivery for Friday, July 31st.

The walls in their room were eggshell color and had splotches of sheetrock repair that had been behind pictures. Obviously I needed to paint. What color? One color? A design? To decide I went to an expert. My friend’s 11 year old son, Gavin. I asked him what color he would have wanted his room to be when he was 7 years old. His answer was quick and decisive. Blue. Okay then, blue is what it would be. He was so certain, I never questioned the choice again. I went to Lowe’s and compared tons of blues. I had saved 2 cartoon prints from the pool room I’d had in a previous house and I’d decided to put those in the boys’ room. One was of Taz dunking a basketball and the other was of Sylvester staring at Tweety in his cage. I took home the paint cards and compared them to the prints to pick the perfect blue. Then I enlisted Meghan, Donna and Christine to help me paint. I chose the paint color the day before heading to San Antonio for the Presentation Staffing. I had been told that, if all went well in the Presentation Staffing, typically the boys would be permanently placed in my home within about 4 weeks. I had a plan: paint, furniture delivery, buy sheets and some toys to decorate. I had weeks to continue to prepare…so no sweat.

When I arrived at the Presentation Staffing and was chatting with the San Antonio caseworkers before the foster mom arrived, the senior caseworker suggested that I stay overnight and meet the boys the next day for an hour or so with the foster mom, on Friday. She then said I could then stay Friday night and pick them up and spend the day with them on Saturday. She said the following weekend I could come pick them up and take them back to Austin for the weekend, then the next weekend they could be placed with me permanently. What? What did she say? WHAT?

I’m a complete control freak and my plan was getting squashed. Oh my goodness. I didn’t react right away because I had a fear that saying “Whoa, that’s too fast!” might come across like I wasn’t ready to have the kids. I was as ready emotionally and psychologically as I could be at that point…but I just wasn’t physically ready. I hadn’t painted. The furniture hadn’t arrived. I didn’t have sheets, towels, toys…anything! I sat there calculating that if I accept this plan, I have exactly 1 day at home to get everything ready. Plus, I could try to get the furniture delivery moved up a day and see if Christine could go to the house to accept delivery. I left the Presentation Staffing with my head spinning. Getting the house ready wasn’t even the most stressful thing now swimming around in my head. I was going to meet my sons the next day and then spend an entire day alone with them on Saturday. The story of how all of that went is for another time. For now, I’ll stick to the story of getting their room ready for them. How could I fit that into the time I had been given? The current plan was for me to pick them up on Friday, July 31st and drive them to Austin. That gave me 7 days until then. I would spend the next 2 days in San Antonio, and I had to work during the week. So, I had 1 day…Sunday. Time to ask for some help.

After meeting the boys on Friday…spectacular story for a different day…I went to Lowe’s and bought the paint. I called Meghan. She and Donna went to my house and readied the room to be painted on Sunday. On Saturday, the first thing I did with the boys was take them to Target where we all picked out there sheets and comforters and throw pillows and some toys. On Sunday, after church, Meghan, Donna, Christine and I painted the boys room blue in record time. Then I went shopping for ducks…yellow ducky towels, shower curtain, rug, toothbrush holder, cup. You name it, we got it with yellow ducks on it. I had called Rooms to Go Kids and they couldn’t move the delivery date in a day. The furniture was scheduled to be delivered on the same day I would be going to San Antonio to pick up the kids. What if it didn’t show up or was the wrong furniture? What if something was wrong with it? That’s when I made the call to the foster mom and explained that I just couldn’t get there on Friday to pick them up for the weekend. I would leave Austin at 5am on Saturday and pick them up by 8:30am on Saturday, but I just couldn’t get there on Friday. She completely understood and helped the boys to accept the situation as well. One day wouldn’t help me fix the furniture if it was delivered incorrectly, but it gave me just a little breathing room.

On Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, they building a house in 7 days. It took me 8 days to decorate one room. But it looked good. The furniture showed up with 2 flaws, but was acceptable and they could come back next week and fix the issues. So I didn’t let it bother me. I had gotten the room ready and I love it! Did the kids love their room? Yes and no. They ran in their room and loved all the colors and all the toys…but the furniture? If someone would have asked me six months ago if kids have the same priorities or tastes as me, I would have said “No, of course not, obviously not.” But I wasn’t thinking like that at the time.

Every time I go in their room I love the way it looks. I think it’s really cool. And I hope they’ll learn to appreciate it the way I do. They love their room! It’s not that they don’t like it. It’s just the…”oh man, its wooden bunk beds instead of metal ones that we can put our magnets on like at Mimi’s house”. Who knew? Not me. Go figure. I could have spent 10% of what I spent on the beds and they would have loved them! Lesson learned. And I still love the furniture, so no regrets!

One of the best things about the way the timing all worked out was having those 5 days between them coming to visit and them being placed permanently. It allowed me to fix so many of the things that I hadn’t even known I needed to fix until they tried to live in the room. As it ends up, having a standard ceiling fan in the middle of the room with bunk beds is fairly dangerous. Particularly when the child sleeping on the top bunk tends to sit up in bed and fling his arms around. I discovered this at about 4am the first night they were here. I heard Joey talking, so I went in to check on them. He was sitting up with his back to the fan, moving around…but the edges of the fan blades were about 6 inches from his head. Too close for me! I put my hand on his back and eased him away from it. Then I hustled over to the switch and turned off the fan. Whew! The fan come down the next week and a stationary fan was hung from the ceiling in the farthest corner of the room. I also learned that first weekend that I didn’t want locks on the doorknob of their room. I didn’t want them to be able to lock that door and lock themselves in or me out. So, the following week while they were back at the foster home, I switched out the doorknob for one without a lock on it at all. The lock is still on the bathroom door, but I continue to question whether or not that’s a good idea. Having the opportunity to let them try out the setup, then leave so I could fix the setup was brilliantly successful!!

Getting better?

2009-10-26T17:00:00.002-05:00

Yesterday while we were eating dinner, I asked Josh and Joey if they could name one thing that is better here than at Mimi’s house…the foster home. I knew at the time that it was probably a really bad idea to ask this, but I did it anyway. Josh said “You like cartoons and Mimi doesn’t, so that’s better.” And Joey said, “Well, that was the country and this is the city, but there’s more room here. More room inside and more room outside. So, we can ride our bicycles and stuff.” I said, “Very good.” Then I asked if they could name one thing that is better here than at their dad’s apartment. Josh immediately said, “No, nothing is better here than with our dad. Everything was better with him.” I just nodded and smiled slightly. Then Joey said, “That’s not true. You don’t spank us. And we don’t have to eat the same thing all the time. We ate Romen like every day. That’s better here.” And I said, “Ok, good.” I explained that I’m not trying to compete with either of those places, but that it helps me to know what they are enjoying here. Then I asked if they feel safe here. They both said they feel safer here than they had at their dad’s or at Mimi’s. Joey went on to say that the first night they spent here he remembered feeling safer in his new bedroom than he could remember feeling…ever.

The Foster Mom

2009-10-17T23:18:00.000-05:00

Some foster moms get so attached to their foster kids that they can make the transition to an adoptive home more difficult than it could be. I doubt if they understand that they are making it harder on the kids. They just get so emotionally involved that they lose sight of wanting the best for the kids. How do I know this? I guess I don’t really. I went to a class given by CPS for foster parents on transitioning children out of the home. I went to get an idea of the other side of the transaction and what I might be able to do to make it all easier. They talked to the foster parents a great deal about not getting in the way. Also, I’ve read a lot of books on the subject of adopting and they all seem to mention that how comfortable the foster parents are with you will make a big difference in your success during transition.

My kids’ foster mom was fantastic! She loves the boys and yet never lost sight of what they needed, which was a forever family. She promised them that she was looking out for them and wouldn’t agree to let them come to a home that wouldn’t be good for them. But she didn’t set her standards so high that I couldn’t meet them. She is running the home as a single mom which I feel helped my kids understand coming into my home. They told her that if she could do it, I probably could too. They had been in her home for 20 months and during most of that time they called her Mom. Before they met me for the first time, she told them that they needed to prepare for me to be their forever mom and to call me Mom. She suggested they could start calling her Mimi to reduce the confusion. How cool is that??? She really prepared them to come to me with less fear by talking through their concerns and assuring them that I was the perfect Mom for them.

I met her for the first time at the Presentation Staffing on July 23rd. The Presentation Staffing is a meeting with the kids’ caseworkers, lawyer and foster parents along with me and my case managers. The idea is for me to get any information that isn’t formally in the file. In some cases, I’ve heard this can be pretty heavy stuff. For me, I got to ask what they like to eat, when they go to bed, what they thought of being adopted, etc. Sharon, the foster mom, talked and talked and I soaked it all up. After an hour, the caseworkers had another appointment, so Sharon and I went to lunch.

She told me story after story. It was a bit overwhelming. I couldn’t get a word in, but then again it was important for me to be quiet and listen. I will soon go back and write a detailed blog about that weekend in San Antonio when it feels like my life with Josh and Joey first started. But for now, the important thing is what a gift Sharon has been. She boosted my confidence and she gave them every assurance that coming with me was the right thing for them. She gave them the impression that they would be asked if they wanted to come with me. I’m not sure what the age is when children begin to have a say in the matter, but I didn’t have the impression that it was 6 or 8. On the other hand, if they had vehemently refused to come, they would have been heard. As it was, they felt like they had some power over their own lives and, I think, came to me more enthusiastically because they didn’t feel forced.

Sharon told the boys that they would talk on the phone and write letters and even try to get together when possible in the future. She assured them that they weren’t saying goodbye forever. Josh and Joey sent her and the other foster brothers’ letters first, then we got letters back. When we sent letters again, we didn’t get anything back for quite a while. We started out talking to Mimi and the other boys each Sunday night, then weeks would be by and finally it’s been 6 weeks since they’ve asked to call. Each time Joey goes to the mailbox with me, he talks about hoping there are letters from Mimi, and there aren’t…but he gets over that pretty quickly. I think Sharon knew things would progress exactly like they have and I think she’s letting them go. She and I talked enough that I know this has been hard for her to do. She became extremely attached to Josh and Joey. But she’s doing it for them. She knows that holding on to tightly to that home will prevent them from attaching as much to this one. I thank God for how much she helped all of us every time I think of her.

Looking Back

2009-10-12T23:49:00.000-05:00

I was working on a new post earlier that caused me to go into my saved files looking for the notes I wrote during that first weekend in San Antonio. I reread those notes and...wow...it's always interesting looking back at what I've written before I knew more.

[Sidenote: Don't we always know more than we use to? I guess not, as I forget stuff all the time. But I never seem to write, back when I knew less. Maybe I will when I get even older.]

So, instead of posting that story now, I'm going to use some of those notes and continue working on it and hopefully post it tomorrow. I'm sure you all know and understand that I need to edit them and be very careful about names, locations, dates and such. Public blogs are searchable and I don't want to make this one private...but I don't want to be found by the wrong people either. The "wrong people"...yikes!

Stay tuned...more to come!

Are we a blended family?

2009-10-09T14:52:00.000-05:00

"I HATE IT HERE! I DON'T WANT A DOG THAT CHEWS UP TOYS! I HATE COOPER!" screamed Josh at bedtime last night. Cooper hasn't chewed up one of their toys in about 5 weeks. When the boys first arrived, I explained to them that Cooper and Quincy (our dogs) have dog toys that look and taste just like little stuffed animals. Cooper likes to unstuff his own toys and he can't tell the difference between his toys and the stuffed animals the boys brought with them. I told the boys to make sure they didn't leave anything on the floor of their room or it was at risk. They decided that they should not only keep the floor clear, but they would keep the door shut as well.

Twice they have forgotten and we've come home to an unstuffed prize possession all over the living room floor. Both times they have been Josh's toys and both times he handled it very maturely. He was sad that the toy had been chewed up, but he took responsibility for leaving them down and the door open instead of getting mad at the dog. The first time it was his Incredible Hulk. His new Grandma (my mom) and I sewed him up and told Josh it was a cool new scar. The next one was Sid from Ice Age and he was just a goner. Josh and I had a very short, informal funeral for Sid and tossed him in the kitchen trash can. As much as I feel badly for Josh, part of me is appreciative that Cooper is helping me teach the boys to keep their room clean. Since then, Cooper hasn't gotten his paws on any toys.

So, last night's declaration wasn't in response to Cooper eating one of Josh's toys. Instead, this was in response to having to pick up his toys before he goes to sleep. They both want the door open at night and Cooper regularly goes in there to make sure they are okay. He's even come and woken me up in the middle of the night for me to find Josh sleeping on the floor having rolled out of bed. Cooper feels a great responsibility at night to pace between my room and theirs making sure everyone is okay...and I don't think he can decide where he should sleep.

I wonder if this is anything like blending families. Josh and Joey are having to learn and adjust to Cooper and Quincy's ways just as Cooper and Quincy are having to adjust to Josh and Joey. Their are positives and negatives for everyone. And I feel the need to defend all of them to each other as they feel their new way. I want everyone to get along and respect each others idosyncracies while also standing up for themselves. That may be too much to ask. I haven't done any research on blending families because I hadn't really looked at this in that light before. My current strategy is to just give them all time and pray for the best.

Which Playgrounds Rock?

2009-10-07T21:34:00.000-05:00

I’ve always thought that the awesomeness of a playground was measured by the height of the highest slide and the number of apparatus and maybe even the brightness of the colors of paint. Turns out I was way off the mark. On the first day that Josh, Joey and I spent together I took them to a playground in San Antonio. Joey immediately started telling me that the playground sucked. I looked around and it really did. The slides were small and the equipment was old.

So, once we were in Austin, I started taking them to cool playgrounds, well at least I thought they were cool. The boys were fairly unimpressed. I started thinking maybe they thought when I said we were going to a playground they were expecting an amusement park. Then, finally we went to what I would have described as a cruddy little playground and they thought it was AWESOME. What? Boy was I confused.

On the way home I started asking questions. Ends up the awesomeness has much less to do with the slides, size of the playground or colors and everything to do with how many other kids are there and whether or not they’ll play with you. That rule has proven true at every playground we’ve been to since. Now that I see that it’s much harder for me to predict what they’ll think of a playground before we actually get there and much easier once I see the crowd.

My Showers

2009-10-06T21:29:00.002-05:00

During adoption training, I was told that I would need to supervise my kids every moment they were awake. Naturally, I wondered how I would take showers, change clothes, go to the bathroom and maintain my sanity if I couldn’t have a moment alone. There are many single parents out there successfully raising kids who are clean and dressed. When I asked the question of the case managers, they said that I had lots of options, like showering after they go to sleep with a baby monitor in the bathroom in case they call for me…or in the morning when they wake up. They also said to stop stressing out about it until I had the kids because all kids are different and they all have different needs as far as how much they need to be supervised. This was one of those things that just got into my head and I couldn’t get it out. It kept bugging me. Maybe it’s because I was afraid it was an example of how I wasn’t going to be able to fulfill all of their needs. Maybe it’s because I just needed something to obsess about. In any case, I was able to lessen my stress by telling myself that my case manager wasn’t going to let me adopt kids that needed so much assistance that I couldn’t take a shower. That ended up being true.

The day after they came to live with me, they had been having little battles all day. Lots of crying and tattling and yelling at each other. But, it was time for my first shower. I turned on the TV to cartoons and told them I was going to take a shower. Considering we rarely even turn on the TV, I figured this would be mesmerizing enough to get me 20 minutes. I told Joey that the bathroom door would be unlocked but they weren’t to come in or knock unless someone was really hurt, not for a spat or to ask a question or tell me a story. About halfway through my shower, with shampoo in my hair, Joey started knocking on the door. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, so I kept saying “What? I can’t hear you.” He didn’t open the door. Pretty soon the knocking stopped. I hurried to finish my shower and rushed to dry off. I wrapped a towel around me and flew out of the bathroom. I couldn’t hear crying, so I immediately decided no one was hurt. I was prepared to find Joey and explain that I was serious when I said not to interrupt me unless it was an emergency. When I got to the TV room, I asked Joey what had happened to cause him to knock and he said, “Well the toilet was overflowing and I thought you’d want to know.” Well, hmm…yes I would. I went to check out the toilet and later assured him that, yes, he had made the right decision and that the toilet backing up was definitely an emergency.

Since then, I’ve done most of my showering before they wake up or at the gym. Just because that’s the way it’s worked out…not because I can’t leave them for 20 minutes. Nighttime didn’t end up being a good idea because that’s really their most active time. When they should be sleeping is when most things happen around here. Ends up I hadn’t really needed to stress out about it anyway…what good did that do me?

Comparing raising kids to raising dogs

2009-10-05T16:14:00.000-05:00

Making comparisons between raising kids and raising dogs offends some people…pretty much only people with kids and no dogs. But there truly are similarities. Sure, I know the differences and I’m not attempting to use any of the same rules with my kids as my dogs. But some of the main similarities at this point in my relationship with Josh and Joey are in my heart.

I’ve had dogs that I considered “mine” since I was in the 4th grade. That’s when we got Creampuff. I remember loving Creampuff from the first day we had her. We were inseparable, like a little girl and her puppy should be. Unfortunately, a few years later she went in the backyard and picked up a toad in her mouth. I saw this and it grossed me out so much I wouldn’t let her lick me and I wouldn’t play with her anymore. Having lost her best friend, she started hanging out with Mom and they became the best friends Creampuff and I had been. When I left for college, I hardly missed her because I’d pushed her so far away at that point. It’s really sad looking back at it now. Plus, it points out my ability to take something that is second nature to a dog and make it into a relationship destroying event.

In college, I got a cat that I named Whiskey. Cute name for a cat, but seriously makes me wonder about my priorities at that point. Nonetheless, after I graduated and once she was about 3 years old, I got rid of her because she wouldn’t stop peeing on the carpet of my apartment. I was moving into a new apartment and I’d lost my entire deposit which at that point I really couldn’t afford. I put an ad in the Greensheet. Yes that’s how long ago this was…the only place to put an ad was in an actual newspaper. Looking back at this, it looks like a sound decision to get rid of Whiskey because she was just too costly…well, until you start making the comparison of caring for pets to caring for children. Josh has been peeing in all sorts of inappropriate places lately. But, all I have for him is compassion and concern, no desire to put an ad in the Greensheet.

Not long after I got rid of Whiskey, I went on a search for a black Pomeranian and found Nicky. For Nicky’s first year, we battled and we bonded. I desperately wanted us to be close but I had to discipline him so much it was difficult. First he needed to be housetrained, and then he kept running out the front door and taking me on wild goose chases…almost literally…except he wasn’t a goose. I would get so frustrated with him that I would sit and cry and we didn’t yet have love to offset the frustration. I got a dog gate and put him in the kitchen and he got out. I created a wall that was at least 4 feet tall and he got out. He learned to jump onto the kitchen counter and go over the bar area. He was a little nightmare until the day he turned one year old. I had told him many times that people kept telling me he would grow out of all of this when he turned one. I guess he was listening because on that very day, he stopped chewing everything up and he was housetrained and he became my best friend. We loved each other like I had always dreamed of. Nicky stuck with me through sixteen years of life…we got married together…we got divorced together…we moved to California and then back to Texas. Nicky’s life story defined loyalty and self-sacrifice. He would have fought a bear to protect me if he had to.

About 6 months after Nicky passed away, I went to the shelters looking for a new puppy. A shy 15 lb, 4 month old, red puppy picked me. The shelter volunteer really wanted me to take another dog, but I couldn’t pay attention to the other dog because this little one kept wagging his tail in his water dish and flicking me with water. When I took him out of his cage to play with him, he climbed up and around my neck and hid under my hair. Then he stayed so very still as if he thought I might forget he was there and accidentally take him home. This was obviously my dog. I named him Cooper. On the way home, we went by PetsMart for a leash and collar. Cooper had no idea how to walk on the floor inside the store so he kept trying to climb back up my leg. When I put him in the cart, he was fine. Once we got home to my apartment, he jumped from the front door across the tile to the carpet, laid down and slept for about 3 days. When he woke up, we started getting to know each other. As long as I was with him, he was sweet and playful and fun. But if I was even in the next room, he methodically destroyed my stuff. He dug plants out of their pots along with all the dirt and he chewed on walls. He was so stressed out that he just didn’t know what to do to calm himself down. I’ll never forget the day I came in from being at the gym for an hour to find that Cooper had eaten the couch…not eaten a pillow, but gone straight into the meat of the couch and taken out the contents. I didn’t understand him and I didn’t know what to do to help him…but he loved me from the moment he came into my life.

Cooper’s trainer suggested getting a second dog might help calm him down since then he wouldn’t be alone. So, after buying a house where we could all live, Cooper and I both went back to the shelter to pick out a second dog. I left the decision up to Cooper since he would have to spend all of his time with the new dog. Cooper chose an adorable black and white Lab/Heeler mix that was fluffy and playful. He was about 20 pounds and they thought he was about 4 months old. They had estimated he’d grow to be around 40-60 pounds. Cooper was pushing 40 pounds at that point, so I thought that would be a good pairing. This one I named Quincy.

Having Quincy and just becoming more mature both contributed to Cooper’s growing calmness, but he’s still a jumpy fragile soul at times. Where Cooper loved me from the first moment, Quincy loved Cooper…but rolled his eyes at me a lot. Quincy is a total Bubba dog. He eats well more than his share…he burps and farts…he doesn’t like other dogs to see him getting hugs and kisses and he looks at me like “Mom” when they do. On the other hand, he follows me everywhere and sleeps right next to me every night. It’s like he loves me, but he’d rather not talk about it. And, speaking of eating, all of the dogs I’ve known in the past ate when they were hungry and then stopped. Quincy ate and ate and ate…until he hit 120 pounds. He’s now on a strict diet and exercise program. He’s gotten down to about 110 and we’re aiming for 100. He’s much bigger than the shelter had estimated, but I love every pound of him.

For the first 6 months or so, I remember begging Quincy to snuggle with me, to trust me, to love me. I had an idea of what that would look like and feel like and Quincy had other plans. It just broke my heart that he wouldn’t react to me as I expected. When I finally started really paying attention to him and letting us work out our own personal relationship between just the two of us, is when that wall started coming down. It took patience and focus but we are tight now. What I have are two dogs with completely different personalities and interests and I’ve built two entirely different relationships with them.

Josh and Joey are both in that stage with the dogs of desperately wanting the love and trust that they see Cooper and Quincy have with me. Josh will follow Cooper around saying “I just want to pet you. Please stop so I can pet you” while he’s frightening Cooper so Cooper keeps going. Joey often acts like he doesn’t care because he’s afraid of the rejection that is inevitable at first. Josh begs them to sleep with him at night and he’s baffled at why they won’t. I love when I see them all playing together. And it breaks my heart to watch the boys go through this confusing process, but I’m confident that they’ll get through it and they will all be inseparable friends.

As far as comparing Josh and Joey to Cooper and Quincy there are similarities all around. But my bigger point was in the feeling in my heart of wanting to get to the part where we feel comfortable and we feel love and we feel trust…the fear that we may not get there and the confidence that we will…the stubbornness that I won’t let a chewed up couch or the screaming of some very unpleasant words cause a permanent rift between us… the confusion when I can tell they are going through something and they can’t tell me what it is. Yet it really boils down to the fact that all three of us, or even all five of us, just want to be loved.

Raising A Charitable Heart

2009-10-01T10:52:00.000-05:00

I hope to raise children with gracious, charitable, understanding, giving hearts. Yet I assume that's a hard target for parents who start raising their children at birth. In my case, I'm battling all previous guardians impressions on them...plus they have felt deprived, so giving is tough. They've had to look out for themselves and asking them to consider stranger's well-being is asking so much. I've got years to get there and I can try to be patient. But, I want to start laying the seeds now that can grow later.

They came to me with tons of toys...many broken or outgrown. I put a bin outside their room and told them to put any toys or clothes that they wanted to donate to charity in that bin. I explained early on that they would get new toys or clothes to replace the ones donated...not necessarily one to one, but that was the way to get new. Joey immediately caught on and put all of his clothes that didn't fit anymore in the bin...all of his old, dirty socks went in and most of his broken toys. He tried to help Josh understand, but Josh had no interest in giving anything away.

I know that the best way to instill generosity is to lead by example. They’ve seen me take 2 large garbage bags of clothes and such to Goodwill. And they watched me buy a new purse and go home and take 2 old purses out of my closet and put them in the charity bin. I’m certain they are storing those kinds of things away and thinking about them later.

One day, I held up a tiny shirt and asked Josh if he can still wear it. He said no, but he wanted to keep it because he liked it. I asked what he liked about it wondering if there was some particularly sentimental memory associated with the shirt. He just thought it was cool. When I told him we can’t keep everything that we used to love to wear but doesn’t fit anymore, he said okay then I could get rid of it.

All of Josh’s socks and underwear are way too big for him. The socks make putting on his shoes very difficult. I went to Kohl’s to make sure that smaller ones existed and then I asked him if he’d like some socks that fit him so he could get his foot in his shoe. Yes, please! So, I bought him a bunch of new socks and about 20 pairs of larger socks went in the charity bin. I know he’ll eventually grow into them. But he’s been wearing them, so they aren’t new and we can buy new when his feet grow. I also bought him a really long shoe horn that looks like a snake so he can get his shoes on much more easily now. He loves his shoe horn!!

Back to giving…each week when they get their allowance, they divvy it up into 3 brightly colored envelopes. Give, Save and Spend. A minimum of $1 must go into Give and Save, but where the rest of the money goes is their choice. For 4 weeks now, $1 has gone into Give and all of the rest has gone into Save. If anything was in the Spend envelopes, those would travel in the car with us in case they wanted to buy something on the fly. Within a few days of receiving the envelopes they asked if they could use their Give money to give things to each other. Sneaky, sneaky! Made me smile that they had worked that out on their own…but no. Give money isn’t for gifts; it’s for charity. Once we amass more than a few dollars, I’ll start giving them ideas of what we might do with our Give money. I think I’ll come up with 3 or 4 ideas and let them pick one each. Then we can work out when we should donate it and I’ll make a big deal out of that.

When I received a new picture of one of the kids I sponsor with World Vision, I sat down with Josh and Joey and explained who he is and what is circumstance is and that we send him money every month to support him, his family and his community. They listened intently. When I was finished, Joey said, “Do I understand this right? You are sending our money to this guy?” I smiled and just said, “Yes.”

As far as service goes, I want to lead by example there too. They know I volunteer at the church on Sundays. I used to spend a great deal of my time in service in my community…every way I could imagine…Habitat For Humanity, local races and charity events, mission work, etc. It’s much harder to do these things as a single mom. I think it would be great if I could find a friend with a son who is around 10-12 years old and loves to do things like volunteer at the children’s hospital or visit veterans or something like that. If another child could explain how fulfilling it is to help someone else, I could really see that making an impression…at least on Joey. I don’t think Josh is mature enough yet to get it, but I could be wrong. Josh loves dogs…Maybe I should look into something with the SPCA or animal hospital. I’ve got to do some research. Maybe for Thanksgiving my whole family could go help at a soup kitchen in east Austin.

But mostly, I’ll just try to be patient and let God do His work.

A Hard Saturday

2009-09-30T10:45:00.001-05:00

Last Saturday afternoon, Joey wanted to watch TV and he needed to be wearing his glasses. He didn't want to be wearing his glasses. Since they'd been patched, it's much harder for him to see. It had been 16 days since his last temper tantrum which is a great run. Plus, I'd expected to have some problems with getting him to wear the glasses, so his reaction that day really wasn't a big surprise.

He cried. He screamed. He refused to go to his room for a timeout. About an hour into the temper tantrum, he tried to use "leave me alone and let me calm down so I won't scream at you anymore" as a way to stay where he was and not go to timeout. I know this because Josh and I had already left him alone for almost 30 minutes to calm down, during which time he had actually fallen to sleep, and this was immediately following that period. But he's smart enough to try to use the tools he's been given to get his way. I gave him some more time and then asked him to go to his room for his timeout and he started screaming at me that I need to go to jail because I'm a bully. He got the phone to call the police to have me arrested because I'm a bully. I explained to him that if he feels scared or in danger he absolutely needed to call the police. But to be sure he really wanted to call them before he dialed. I explained that if he calls and hangs up they will still come to the house and he'll need to talk to them. Eventually, after about an hour and a half, he quietly walked to his room and did his timeouts. He also lost $2.50 of his allowance for last week during the episode. This is the first one where he didn't get physically violent at all. The rest was very similar to the other bouts. He spent a lot of time saying he wants to die and was going to kill himself. He tried to hold his breath to kill himself, but that didn't work, of course. He said "I'm so ugly no one wants to look at me" a lot. That's a new one. Calling me a bully is also a new one. I'm not okay with him screaming in my face. I need him to treat me with more respect than that, but I'm hoping that will come with time.

Josh also had a temper tantrum that night. His was because he didn't want to take a bath or brush his teeth. His was just crying at the top of his lungs and punching his bed. He eventually fell asleep on top of his comforter in his clothes without having bathed or brushed his teeth. He had made me a picture earlier in the day while Joey was acting up and given it me saying he loves me and not to worry, that if Joey calls the police he'll tell them the truth. During his own temper tantrum, he told me he wanted his picture back. I gave it to him in the morning. Josh does this a lot. I'm thinking I might have been better off refusing to give it back to him, but I'm not sure about that. I asked him to take his bath in the morning and he did. Josh has been snippy and pushing all boundaries for 5 or 6 days now. It looks like he is trying everything to get into trouble. If I ask him to bring me his dishes, for example, he'll look at me, raise his chin and say NO. Classic defiance. I'm just planning on trying to wait this out.

Two days later, Josh came to me with the picture and held it up. He said, "I'm sorry about what I did the other night and I want you to have this." I thanked him, gave him a hug and told him I love him. Then I put the picture back on the refrigeration door.

Amblyopia

2009-09-30T10:37:00.000-05:00

Josh was diagnosed with Amblyopia on August 19, 2009. Amblyopia, also commonly called Lazy Eye, is a condition where one eye's vision is much stronger than the other causing the weaker eye to fail to continue to develop. The brain relies on the image received from the stronger eye. If the condition is identified at an early age the common treatment is to patch the good eye forcing the weaker eye to get back in the game. With patching the expectations of improvement are high. Getting this diagnosis had positive and negative sides. On the plus side, this helps to explain some of Joey's coordination problems and difficulty riding a bike, for example. On the minus side, he'd arrived in a new family, in a new house, in a new city, about to start a new school and meet all new friends...and we were talking about effectively blinding him...for his own good. Ouch!

The doctor prescribed glasses and set another appointment in 5 weeks. If Joey's eyesight in his left eye had not improved in that 5 weeks merely by having the assistance of the glasses, then we would discuss patching. Joey took this news very maturely. I read the information on WebMD to him to help him understand. He said that he didn't like it but he would do what he needed to do.

Five weeks later, on September 23rd, Joey's vision had not improved and the doctor put a patch on his glasses over the right eye to blur his vision. Again, Joey reacted well. The doctor gave him 2 exercises to do each evening: color within the lines for 10 minutes, then fill in the o's on newspaper print for 10 minutes. When he first walked out of the doctor's office, he had to hold my arm because he really couldn't see. We went to the grocery store on the way home and, when we left the grocery store, he walked to the car, opened the door and got in without any hessitation. He said to me, "It's working. I can already see better."

We've had some battles throughout the last week when he thought the exercises were too hard, but he's completed them most days. This afternoon we go back to the eye doctor to see if he's had any improvement with the patch. Fingers crossed!

Joey's First Girlfriend

2009-09-25T15:47:00.003-05:00

Monday, driving home from daycare, Joey informed me that Isabella was now his girlfriend. When I asked what that meant to him, he explained that it means that she LIKES him more that the other boys and he LIKES her more than the other girls. He told me that he’s wanted a girlfriend his whole life. When I asked him why, he told me that he wanted to know what it felt like.

I asked, “How does it feel?” He answered, “It feels good. I’m happy.”

Evidently he had asked her to be his girlfriend about 50 times and she finally said she would give him one chance, but if he blew it he would get no more changes. She told him to bring her chocolate. He didn’t ask me to get him chocolate to give to her. Josh suggested he give her some of the chocolate that Grandma had given him and Joey’s response was “It wouldn’t be right to give away something Grandma gave to me.” (That’s impressive!)

The next night Josh asked Joey what he was going to do about giving Isabella chocolate. I was in the kitchen making dinner, so I was far enough away to mind my own business, but close enough to overhear and they knew I could hear them. Joey said “Maybe Mom can make her cookies, but I don’t know if Mom knows how to make cookies.” That made me giggle. Josh said, “Ask her.” When Joey asked I said that I do know how to make cookies, but she hadn’t asked me to make her cookies, she wants Joey to do something for her. He suggested that he could make her cookies and I could help him. I told him we could definitely do that over the weekend.

The next day, on the way home from daycare, Joey tells me that Isabella broke up with him. Josh said that it was because Joey hadn’t brought chocolate. Joey said no, she had broken up with him because he kept following her around everywhere telling her that he would never find a good of a girlfriend as she. She said she felt stalked. Awww, man. Josh was cheering. He doesn’t want Joey to have a girlfriend. Joey bounced back from it within a few minutes.

Note to self: Figure out how to help Joey be just a little less needy with girls before he gets old enough that it actually matters.

Discipline

2009-09-23T22:45:00.000-05:00

Lots of discipline strategies have been introduced and recommended to me over the last few months. I’ve read books, listened to audio books, interviewed friends and family, taken all of the PRIDE adoption classes from Pathways, my adoption agency, and, of course, become a religious watcher of Supernanny. I don’t fully agree or disagree with any of these methods. My strategy was to educate myself and create a hybrid strategy of my own that includes all of the things that sound like they may work with my kids.

“Parenting with Love & Logic”, by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, encourages giving children choices and letting them live with the consequences when they make a bad choice. “1-2-3 Magic”, by Thomas W. Phelan, says that is treating children like mini-adults and expecting them to be more mature than most of them are. Instead, it encourages extreme consistency with counting for bad behavior you want stopped and rewards or the use of timers for good behaviors you want started. PRIDE training establishes rules to dictate what consequences and rewards can and cannot be used with foster children. So far I’ve landed on a combination of counting and the use of a timer along with timeouts, docking their allowance and rewards.

I refuse to bribe my kids to behave. For example, you’ll never hear me say something like “If you behave in the grocery store, you can have a candy bar.” On the other hand, you might hear me make a deal that if they don’t get counted to 3 for an entire 24 hour period, I will return the map rug they lost by being counted to 3 the previous evening. How do those things differ? I guess they really don’t. But I see one as bribery and the other as earning something back. It’s also possible to reword something I commonly say “If you don’t eat your dinner, you won’t get snack” as “If you eat dinner, I’ll give you snack” which sounds much more like a bribe. Hmm…Maybe I need to stop saying I won’t bribe my kids to behave. In any case, misbehaving will never get them anything positive. That’s for sure.

During the first week that I had them, Josh and Joey fought in the car constantly. I asked one of our case managers what to do and she told me to pull over to the side of the road and tell them that it’s not safe for me to drive with them hitting and screaming and that we will continue to drive when they are finished. I had the opportunity to try this the very next day. During that first week, I had taken vacation from work, so we didn’t have anywhere we needed to be at any particular time. I had all the time in the world to wait. When I pulled over, one of them asked what I was doing. I made the speech and then I opened my novel and started to read. Ok, I pretended to read because I didn’t yet have the ability to completely tune them out. They each tried to explain to me why the other was wrong and I didn’t respond. It only took about 2 minutes until they were quiet and then told me they were ready to go. I did this two more times that week and I haven’t had to do it since. They haven’t even started to bicker in the car. It’s like it was a habit they were trying to start and, when I put a stop to it so abruptly, they just let it go. Thank God for good advice!!

Joey started out having some pretty big temper tantrums. I don’t know how big they were, but they were bigger than I was prepared for at the time. They had all the elements of testing that I’d been prepared for in PRIDE, but the reality of it is harder to handle than I’d thought it would be.

Joey’s Temper Tantrum #1: We were headed to the grocery store to buy corn dogs for dinner as a treat after a good day. They started fighting in the car and I asked them to stop or I would turn towards home and we wouldn’t go to the store. They didn’t stop after being asked numerous times, so I turned back home. After turning back home, they stopped. Joey felt that should be good enough. I felt that I had to stick to my word and continue towards home. After all, they hadn’t stopped until after I proved that I would turn around. (This was obviously before they stopped fighting in the car.) Once we got home, Joey wouldn’t get out of the car…he started trying to destroy the car…he cried loudly…and screamed at me that I “suck as a mother”. He then threatened to run away from home, begged to go back to his foster home and screamed “everyone hates me, no one loves me, I never get anything!!!” This is all textbook testing and not at all unique, but I hadn’t read that yet and it all hurt me deeply. I’m a very strong person and I’m more stubborn than anyone I know. No, I’m not boasting about that…but it’s helping me in these situations. I didn’t let Joey know he was getting to me until his temper tantrum was over. After about an hour of verbal battling, Joey was sitting on the floor of the garage next to the garage door with it raised about 2 feet. He was threatening to run away from home. I told him that I was making dinner for Josh. I told him that if he chose to leave, I would have to call the police because he wouldn’t be safe out there but I couldn’t follow him because I also had to keep Josh safe. I knew that he assumed I would follow him. Once he heard that I wouldn’t and why, I could visibly see him begin to rethink his position. After 15 minutes of just sitting there, he stood up, walked inside and asked what was for dinner. It amazes me how quickly he can get mad and how quickly he can let it go. I just don’t recover that easily.

Joey’s Temper Tantrum #2 resulted in my having to restrain him. That comes with all kinds of reporting requirements from the agencies and the state. For that reason, I documented the entire experience immediately following. That’s the reason I have so many details to include here.

On a Saturday morning, we planned to go to Brushy Creek Park to meet Kraig, Shelley, Piper and Devin. Before we left to go to the sprinkler park, I reminded them that they needed to get along or we would have to leave. I told them the first time one of them hurt the other or cried we’d have to leave. I had been told by the Case Managers to see these things as the first sign of a problem.

At the park, we parked and got out. We went to the sprinkler area. They walked off to play. Within a minute, Joey was back to me saying the water was cold. There were lots of kids there playing and their parents were mostly around the edges watching. Josh found someone’s buckets to play with. I started talking to a lady standing there about how the water is turned on. Josh and Joey came running up to me. The next thing I knew, they were splashing water all over someone’s bag that was set to the side. They were fighting and water was flying. Then they were both in front of me whining and pushing each other. Joey was holding his lip and said that Josh had hit him in the lip with the bucket. They started fighting. I told them to stop. They stopped and I asked Josh to apologize to Joey. Josh said no and sat down with his arms crossed over his chest. I said, ok then we’ll have to leave. I had told them that if they started this stuff we would have to leave and now I had to follow through with what I’d said. Joey started whining that he had wanted to meet Kraig and Shelley. I reminded him that I’d said they had to get along or we would leave. When we got to the car, I got towels out to dry them off. Josh let me dry him and he got in the car. Joey wouldn’t dry off and said he wasn’t leaving. He got that stubborn look in his eyes and I could tell he was going to go into his full temper tantrum. He got in the car with his wet bathing suit and refused to sit on a towel. I think he thinks that hurting the car hurts me. I got in the car. Josh buckled his seatbelt but Joey refused to buckle his seatbelt. I waited and he opened his door. I got out and closed his door. Then he opened Josh’s door. Josh pulled it closed. Joey opened his own door again. I turned around and asked him if this behavior ever got him what he wanted. He kept whining that he’d just wanted to meet Kraig and Shelley and now I was saying we had to leave and that isn’t right. I reminded him again that I’d said we would leave if they started arguing.

Then I thought he might buckle his seatbelt if I started driving. The opposite proved to be the case. I pulled out of the parking place and started driving slowly. Joey opened his door. I reached back and pulled it close and he opened it again. So, I pulled over about 50 yards from where we’d been parked and still in the parking lot. His door was open again. When I got out to shut his door again, he climbed over the seat into the front passenger seat and opened that door. He picked up the Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons in that door and held them up to me threatening to throw them out the door. I didn’t react at all, so he threw them out onto the ground. I went around and picked them up and said that we don’t litter. I put them back in the door and closed the door. When I’d been picking them up, Joey was climbing back to his seat on the driver’s side of the backseat. He opened his door again. I walked back around the car and we did that whole thing again…once Joey had thrown them out again, I went back around and picked them up, then I put them into my bag instead of back into the door. Then I just stood in the doorway of the front seat passenger side. He started crawling over the seat to get the coupons out of my bag. I took my bag out and put in on the ground outside the car myself. I put my purse out there too. Joey then laughed which was pretty spooky to me coming out of such anger.

Joey got out of the car and shut his door. He walked into the middle of the driveway and stood with his arms crossed blocking the way for cars. He was searching for ways to make me respond. When the first car came around, it slowly pulled around him. Because of where we were, I knew no one could accidently hit him and not see him. So, I didn’t go after him. The second car slowly pulled around him. The third one just stopped. After a long 5 seconds, Joey walked back to the car and leaned against the car allowing the passing car to move on. I thank all three of those families for understanding what we were going through. During all of this time, I was talking to Josh in the car. I told him I was sorry we were having to sit here in the car in the heat, but I reminded him that he had started the problem in the sprinkler park by hitting Joey in the face with the bucket and not saying he was sorry.

Joey opened his door and I had a glimmer of hope, but then he picked up the neck pillow and threatened to throw it at the next car that came by. He said he would throw it under their tires as the car came by. I could picture the panic of the driver not knowing what they’d run over, so I came back around the car and told him to get in the car. He said no. The anger in his eyes made him look like he was about to explode. I took the pillow away from him by force. He then called me a bastard. I told him I couldn’t be a bastard because I’m a girl. I shouldn’t have said anything at all, for lots of reasons, not the least of which was that what I’d said wasn’t even true, but was certainly unnecessary. Then he called me an A-S-S and I didn’t react. He started pulling the seal off of the car door frame. I tried to get between him and the seal, but that didn’t really work. He then spelled F-U-C-K. I said that spells fuck and he said “I know” and I said “me too”. Josh then pipes up and says “what are ya’ll doing spelling I thought you were fighting”. That made Joey laugh again, but stopped the spelling of dirty words. I shouldn’t have engaged in that conversation at all. I told him to get in the car so we could go home and he said no. Then he bit my left hand. I’m fully aware that I’m not handling this well. If I’d been handling it well, it would probably be over. But I have no idea what else to do. The result is that Joey is leading this dance and I’m following with no idea how to take the lead back…all the while trying not to let him know he’s leading.

He started hitting me in the arms, shoulders and chest. Then he leaned back and started kicking me hard in the stomach. That’s when I turned him around and put him in a restraint hold. We were outside the car at this point, but right next to the car and yet in the driveway. Joey struggled and screamed for help and cried and fought, but nothing got him out of the hold. No one was coming to help him. His legs gave way so I sat him down on the pavement and I leaned down and held him. The whole time I was holding him, I was also hugging him and telling him that I love him. As he screamed for help, I told him I was helping him. He was struggling to get away with all of his might. He bit my right hand and broke the skin…this one hurt. I’m not sure, but I think I held him for about 10 minutes or so. As he weakened, I told him that when he stopped fighting me I would let him go. He continued to fight for maybe another minute or two, then he seemed to stop. I slowly let him go, ready for him to start hitting me again and my needing to put him in the hold again. He didn’t, so I let him just sit on the pavement. He started to breath heavy like he might hyper-ventilate, but didn’t. Then he started to gag like he might throw-up, but didn’t. He leaned against the tire and just sat there looking around. I recognize this part from Tuesday and knew this would take some time but that he was giving in. I didn’t say a word. After about 10 minutes, Josh leaned over and said “Joey, can we go home now?” Joey didn’t respond. I opened my door, got in, started the car and shut my door. Joey said “You can’t leave me here.” I asked if he was sure. He said that would be child abuse, but might be good for him because then he could just play in the water sprinklers. I told him he wouldn’t be safe in the park alone. He got in the car, but still wouldn’t put on his seatbelt. I picked up my book and started to read. Every five minutes I said, Joey put on your seatbelt. About 15 minutes later, Joey said “I’ll only put it on if Josh asks me to.” Josh asked him to please put on his seatbelt and Joey said ok and did. Josh then said “And next time I’ll say I’m sorry.”

Once we were home, I was making lunch and Joey came in the kitchen. I told him to leave the kitchen and I would call when lunch was ready. He turned and walked away saying “I don’t know what’s wrong with her?” I said “Really? You don’t?” He said, “Yes I do, but I just wanted to tell you something.” I told him I didn’t want to hear it.

It was after this second temper tantrum that I learned that my participation in the conversations was exacerbating the problem. Every time I answered him or responded in any way, it fueled his fire. That’s when I learned about keeping my mouth shut and my emotions out of the way. Ok, I learned what I should do, but that doesn’t mean I’ve been perfect at doing it every time. Each time Joey starts to go into one of these episodes, I find myself getting sucked in. But so far I’ve been catching myself and staying silent until he works his way out of it. This strategy has caused the tantrums to become shorter and has made them easier for me to handle.

Joey’s Temper Tantrum #3 was in the morning before school. I still have no idea what started this one…could have been a bad dream, just waking up in a bad mood, or something at school that he didn’t want to do…who knows. I don’t even think Joey knew. The previous evening I had stayed up late filling out a form for school for his fundraiser that would earn Josh and him each a glow in the dark alien that grows when you put him in water. I thought he would be grateful that I’d done that because he really wanted the alien. I was having trouble getting him moving in the morning and he was very late getting to the breakfast table. Breakfast that day was an Eggo, which he loves, so I know this problem didn’t directly relate to breakfast. Instead of eating he went to lie on the coach and cry. I told him to go upstairs and get dressed and he could finish his breakfast on the way to school, but that we needed to get moving or they would both be late for school. “I don’t want to eat in the car because I’ll get the car messy.” Ok, then hurry and get dressed and maybe you can eat it quickly before we get in the car. Crying…but he went upstairs and got dressed. Then he scarfed down the Eggo and got in the car. About halfway to school he realized he hadn’t brushed his teeth and started screaming that I didn’t let him brush his teeth. He insisted that he wouldn’t get out of the car because he would have bad breath and the kids would all make fun of him. At least we were in the car so I was able to get Josh to school on time. When we got there, Joey refused to get out of the car. I told him that I wouldn’t give him the fundraiser form if he didn’t get out and go to class. He said I had to give it to him. He said I didn’t have any choice but to give it to him. He felt entitled, not grateful. I made a mental note to figure out how to work on his sense of entitlement in the future. I made the mistake of starting to drive back home. During the drive back home, I gave him the option of losing the use of the Wii and brushing his teeth or getting to keep the Wii…yes, I meant forever, not just temporarily. Josh doesn’t care about the Wii, so I felt comfortable using the game as a whole. He just said that he needed to brush his teeth. Once back at the school after having brushed his teeth he still wouldn’t get out of the car. I parked in the lot and started reading a book. He sat there for over 30 minutes going through every strategy he could come up with…(1) Badgering, he kept repeating that he had just needed to brush his teeth and now I’d taken away his alien and the Wii and how unfair that was; (2) Martyr, no one loves him, he never gets anything and now Josh would have an alien and he wouldn’t and how unfair that was; (3) Treats, he was going to make me pay by staying in the car until after lunch and getting me fired from my job; (4) Tantrums, tearless crying and screaming; (5) Violence, kicking the back of my seat, kicking the air vents, punching the middle armrest. Nothing seemed to work. I wasn’t backing down. Finally I told him he had 3 minutes to get out of the car and go to class or he would lose his new Longhorns jersey. At 3 minutes and 10 seconds he got out of the car. We both pretended he’d made it in 3 minutes. At that point he offered to trade me the Longhorns jersey for the form that would get him the alien. Wow…I consider that a really bad deal on his part, but then again I’m a big Longhorns fan. I agreed and gave him the form. We checked him in at the school office and he moped off to class. In the past hour, he’d lost the Wii, all of his accumulated allowance for the week and his Longhorns jersey. Bad morning. I went home and packed up the Wii. I still had the receipts for his jersey and it still had tags on it. Both were gone from the house before he came home that night. On the way home from daycare, Josh mentioned playing the Wii and I said “We don’t have a Wii anymore.” Josh said “What?” and Joey said “Remember I lost it this morning.” Oh. So they had discussed it and Joey was resigned to his consequences. I think Josh only brought it up because he was trying to find out if I’d really done what I’d said I would do. I’ve recently told them that they may be able to earn the Wii back someday, but I didn’t know how yet.

Josh’s temper tantrums are much more like every kid’s. When Josh is in a bad mood, he whines and cries easily. He’s a textbook introvert, so he clams up and refuses to talk. This gets under my skin much more than Joey’s strategies because it totally leaves me guessing. Well, that and the fact that Josh is exactly like me and I wouldn’t have known how to handle me as a kid either. Josh is extremely stubborn and has no interest in letting me know he cares what I think. There isn’t much I can share here as Josh’s temper tantrums sound like this…”Josh, please get dressed.” Silence. “Josh, you need to get dressed.” Silence. “Josh, are you listening to me.” Crying. “What’s wrong?” More crying. No words. I can continue asking questions, but I won’t get any information. He’ll just eventually get tired of crying and get dressed.

One of the guys at my office suggested I read “Magic 1-2-3”. He uses this strategy to discipline his kids. I read it and started to incorporate some of the counting into my discipline techniques. The book also has a companion book for the kids to read. That one introduces the concept to the kids with all of the reasons it’s good for the entire family. Joey read the book and, surprisingly, loves the idea. He is all about knowing what’s coming next. So, when I say “That’s 1” he has a full understanding of what will happen next. The book also explains that, even if he believes he shouldn’t be counted, the counting will continue if he doesn’t change his behavior. Since he’s read the book, every time I say “That’s 1” he has immediately stopped crying or refusing to brush his teeth or teasing Josh or whatever. Maybe it is magic.

I know we will continue to have tantrums, but the more we know each other and trust each other, the easier they will be. I really can’t wait for a year from now when every single thing we do isn’t new to us.

Flag Football

2009-09-20T22:37:00.000-05:00

One of the things I imagined when I considered adopting was the idea of them playing sports. I've always really wanted to have to juggle various sports and buy all the gear and attend all the games and cheer them on! I didn't have one specific sport that I wanted them to be interested in...could be soccer, football, baseball, karate, tennis, whatever. On the first day that I met Josh and Joey, Joey said he wanted to play flag football. I told him that I'd look into it and find a place he could play. When I asked around, Upwards was suggested to me. Upwards is a local church flag football program. The literature promised fair play time, patient coaches and spiritual guidance. I was concerned that Joey is 8 and hadn't played before. I didn't want to have him join a more competitive league and never get to play or learn.

We went to Evaluations to let the coaches get to know the players skills and divide them properly into teams. That's where I found out that Joey has a great throwing arm, but he isn't such a great catcher. That's what Josh said, "Joe's not a great catcher" and that proved to be true. After we left the Evals that night, we were headed to swim lessons at Lifetime. In the car, Joey asked me why they had talked about prayer and the Bible. I explained that Upwards is a church league on a church's property. He started to cry and said "I don't want to play in a stupid Christian football league." "Why did you sign my up for a stupid church league." "When I tell my friends I play flag football, they'll make fun of me for not playing real football." It went on and on and on. This was particularly confusing to me as Joey loves to go to church each Sunday. He looks forward to it all week. He gets up easily on Sunday mornings and loves to tell me what he learned after church. He fully participates in saying Grace at mealtime and bedtime prayers at night. Honestly, this took me by surprise. I wondered at the time if he'd been disappointed in his performance at the Evals or if it had been harder than he expected, so he might have been using this as a decoy issue. At swim lessons he wouldn't get out of the car and just wanted to lay on the backseat and cry. Finally Josh told him that he needed to use the bathroom, so Joey stopped and we went into Lifetime to swim lessons. Always interesting what can make him stop. Two days later he was talking about how excited he was to play flag football. When I asked about it being a church league, he said "Yeah, I'm over that."

Registration for Upwards is down this season, maybe because of the economy, so fewer players are signed up. They decided that instead of splitting the players onto teams for the entire season, the teams would change each week. They will practice one Monday prior to the first Saturday and then for 1 hour on Saturday's before their games. Practice at 9am and the game at 10am. This is good and bad news. The good news is that I get Monday nights back. The bad news is that I thought Joey was getting 2 days of exercise. Oh well. The one Monday night practice went well. He didn't catch many balls, but he threw well and tried really hard. When I suggested to Joey that he might have an easier time catching the ball if he wore his glasses to play and then he could see it, he said he didn't want to wear his glasses and be a dork. He thought he didn't need them. It hasn't occured to him yet that people look dorkier not catching balls than they do wearing glasses. I've decided to let him come to that decision on his own.

After having an unforgettable drought this summer, Austin starts getting rain a few days before Joey's first game and we thought it might get rained out. Luckily the Upwards coaching staff were on the ball and moved the game into the gym. Football inside, you ask? Well...this is the first game for a bunch of kids most of whom have never played the sport before. They don't know about downs, lines of scrimmage, etc. The opportunity to run some plays, even without grass or punting, is fantastic! Meghan and Josh and I were Joey's cheering section. His team the first week was called the Cowboys. He sat out the first series and then got to be quarterback for his team's first offensive drive. He made more completions than anyone else. Many were to the other team, but they were completions nonetheless. The coaches stood right behind the quarterbacks and called the plays and told all the guys what to do. When a player has the ball and it running towards his goal, all the other boys just run along side. Most don't understand that they should be trying to pull the ball carrier's flag. When they would miraculously move the ball a few yards, they would all go back to the original line of scrimmage to line up. The coaches would call out to them and explain that they now need to line up at the new line of scrimmage. Can't help but start to wonder how and where I picked up my football knowledge. Obviously we all get taught sometime and this is these guys time. At the end of each game, the coaches give out stickers for their flags. This first week, Joey earned a blue star that represents Effort. He's so psyched up and can't wait for the next game.

That week, we took the football to the park almost every day. Joey and I threw it back and forth. We talked about watching the ball all the way into his hands. We talked about moving his feet to get to wherever the ball is. But mostly we just threw back and forth. The longer we'd practice the better he got. Maybe it's a good thing that practice is the hour before the game. Perhaps a long warm-up is exactly what Joey needs.

Yesterday was Joey's second game and his first outside. He says this was his first "real" game because it was outside and he got to wear his cleats and they had yardage markers. During last week we had gone to Academy and purchased cleats and a mouthguard. Earlier that day he had asked about looking for one of those things that go around the back of your head and hold your glasses on during sports. Ha!! I had waited long enough. He'd already decided that it might help him to be able to see better during play. We found an orange eyeglass tie that is sure to keep his glasses secure. During game two, Joey played even better than the first one. He pulled the flag of the best player during the first run of the game. He was always right in the action, but rarely in the huddle. As his team was on offense and in a huddle between plays, Joey always seemed to wander to the line of scrimmage and the refs would say "Joey, get back there and find out what the play is" or "Get on into the huddle Joey". He ran much faster and looked much more coordinated and comfortable which had to be the cleats. For this game, his cheering squad was Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Chris, Meghan, Josh, Sparkie, Charlie and I. He often seemed more interested in whether we were watching him than in playing the game. The coach gave him a Gold Star sticker this game for Sportsmanship. I love Joey's enthusiasm and optimism and patience and teamwork! And Joey is absolutely loving flag football!!

Time With Josh

2009-09-18T23:01:00.000-05:00

Tonight Joey went to a high school football game with Nate and his sons...mens night out. I love that Nate is spending time with my sons. I believe that male influences in their lives are SO important and, luckily, so does Nate. Josh chose to spend the evening with me instead of going along and I felt so honored. I had invited Lorraine over for dinner, but I'd been feeling under the weather with head-clogging allergy symptoms, so I'd rescheduled for next week. After dinner, we dropped Joey off at the church to go to the game and Josh and I headed off for Academy. Josh needed a baseball glove, pants for game days and a few other baseball paraphenalia. We found a t-ball soft compression ball, a glove, and pants, then we found tall socks and some precious cleats. He decides that moment sitting on the floor of Academy is the exact right time to show me that he knows how to tie his own shoes. He tries the bunny ear method and it doesn't work, so I tie the first shoe. Then he tries the second one with the adult tie method he'd just witnessed and he just almost gets it exactly right. Man, he's smart!!

I led him to the dressing rooms so he could try on the baseball pants. We had smuggled his jersey in my purse so he could match the colors. He pulled on the baseball pants and slid on the jersey...he immediately starts dancing in the little dressing room and shaking his butt at the mirror. He's hilarious! But he thinks the pants don't fit him right because they are a bit high waisted and they are too long. I'm pretty sure this is how they are supposed to fit, so we decide to get them and hope they are right. He wants a baseball hat, so we go to the kids clothes department and adjust the only blue hat to be as small as possible and it just fits. So, Josh has all his loot and it's time to go.

When Josh realized we were going to Academy with just the two of us, like Joey and I had done a few days before and gotten some Gatorade, Josh asked if we could get Gatorade. I thought maybe we should do something different for just us instead of copying what Joey and I had done. Ice cream!! I asked Josh if he'd like to get some ice cream. YES! He asked me where we'd go and I suggested Baskin Robbins. He had only ever been to Dairy Queen for ice cream. Oh boy, this is going to be a fantastic time! As we walk to the door, he says "They only sell ice cream here?" Yes, they only sell ice cream here. Cool. As we wait in line, I asked him if he has a favorite ice cream flavor. He doesn't know. He looks a little lost, yet very excited. He peers through the glass at all of the big ice cream tubs as I tell him what flavor each holds. He decides on an Oreo Mint sugar cone. Me too! We take our cones to a table outside. As he studies his ice cream cone and begins to lick it, he watches me and mirrors my ice cream eating strategy. I don't say a word and let him just absorb the whole experience. He ends up with ice cream dripped all down his hand and all over his mouth with a huge grin and a very happy story. He says this is the best day ever, except maybe that first day we spent together. How sweet! Once home, we read two books and he went to sleep right at 8:30. I asked if he thought he'd have trouble going to sleep with Joey not being home yet and he didn't think he would. He didn't. So independent and confident!

Nate had estimated he'd drop Joey off at home around 9:30 and I decided it was further evidence that I'm really a mother that I watched each minute from 9:00 to 9:45 tick by while busying myself on phone calls and the computer. I finally called Nate just to see how far away they were. He was home by 9:51 and quietly in bed by 10:03. Nicely done! I think I may have a struggle on my hands in the morning when I try to get him up at 7:30 to go play his second flag football game, but I'm so happy that he had a great night!

Just A Day

2009-09-17T22:51:00.000-05:00

Today was just a regular day. Funny how quickly these days have become regular and yet are so different than my regular days just 3 months ago. This morning Joey didn't know what to wear and refused to get dressed. This went on long enough that we were almost late to school. After trying to help him pick out clothes and figuring out that no choice was going to meet his approval, I said to him "That's 1. Get dressed." and walked out of his room. He started whining that he wanted to wear his football uniform to school and didn't make any more towards getting dressed. I said "That's 2. Get dressed." He started crying his loud tearless sobs. I left and went into my room to get dressed. That should have been 3 with a consequence, but I hesitated because I knew 3 would make it worse. Pretty soon he stopped crying and got dressed and we went to school with him giving me lip the whole way. I so should have given him a 3...but I didn't. I hope that decision doesn't cause me to receive consequences. The most important thing for me to do right now is be extremely consistent...and that's a tough thing to accomplish when I'm learning how to parent along side them learning to be my sons.

Tonight, Josh got to meet his T-Ball coach and team and get his jersey. He's so excited to play T-Ball. I'm looking forward to helping him learn to play. His first game is next Tuesday night at 6:30. His team is the Marlins. This is going to be so much fun!!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

2009-09-16T22:58:00.004-05:00

From that point to this one was a long road and I'll fill in the blanks later. But to seriously fast-forward, I now have Joshua and Joseph placed with me for adoption and we are a little family finding our way.

My intent with this blog is document our journey. So, I'll get on with it.

Today was a good day. A school day, but an Early Release school day. My first Early Release school day as a mom. Just another one of those things that I haven't had to think about and is suddenly a part of my life. Josh and Joey go to Stepping Stone School after school each day. So, after dropping them off for school this morning, I called Stepping Stone just to make sure they would be picking them up early. Of course they already knew to pick them up early...these folks are seriously on the ball!

People say it takes a village to raise a child. With that thought, I've assembled a village. Some help raise my children and some just make my life liveable. I mention this because the second hurdle of this morning was getting my dogs to Taurus for doggie daycare. They had to go to Taurus today because The Maids are coming to the house today to clean up all of our grime and dust and clutter and fur and such. The maids can do a much better job of cleaning if they aren't being assisted by Cooper and Quincy. The funny part of taking the dogs to daycare this morning is that I'm driving a little rental car right now because my 4Runner is having it's hail damage repaired. I couldn't fit the boys and the dogs in the car, so I went back home to get the dogs after dropping off the boys. Cooper rode in the front seat and Quincy sat in the backseat looking like one of those cartoons of an animal driving a car that is WAY to small. He's such a trooper he'll do anything to get to go for a trip in the car.

I left work to take Joey to see his Psychiatrist. Josh opted to stay at daycare which offered Joey and I some time alone. I truly cherish my time with each of my boys when I get to spend time with them alone. Joey has to see a Psychiatrist because he had been prescribed Sertraline prior to being placed with me. We are all working to weene him off if it, but that takes time and we don't want to act to quickly given that all of us...me, his psychiatrist, his therapist, etc...are all new to him. Can you imagine being 8 and in one day having a new mom, house, pets, school, friends, doctor, psychiatrist, therapist, bed...and the list goes on and on?

As we drive to the psychiatrist's office, Joey begins to ramble about absolutely anything. I wonder if he's getting nervous or if he's just taking advantage of having my attention. He holds my hand as we rush in. I tell him I don't remember if we need to go to the 2nd or the 3rd floor. He informs me that it's the 3rd floor as he remembers going to the top. He's absolutely right. Odd...sometimes he claims to have no memory. That should make all of the parents reading giggle. No surprises at the doctor's office. If Joey doesn't surprise either of us in the next 30 days, he'll take him off the Sertraline at our next visit in 4 weeks. Joey really wants to get off of the meds. He's been asking if I'll consider taking him off of the meds since we first met....which, if you are curious, was exactly 54 days ago...not even 2 months ago was the first day I met Joey. Wow.

After the psychiatrist's office, we head to Budget Optical to get his glasses adjusted so they might stop wandering down his nose. Next we head to Academy in search of football cleats, a mouthguard, a junior size football (he has a large one and a peewee one...but his team is playing with a junior size one...and I'm a perfectionist...go figure), a stretchy thing that will hold his glasses in place while playing sports and a Gatorade. Joey's been asking to drink Gatorade and I've been saying no. Honestly, I can't explain why but I haven't felt like that was a trend I wanted to start. When I saw the Gatorades in the cooler by the checkout, I decided it would be a great "event" thing, so I suggested he pick a flavor. He lit up and looked up at me and said "I can have one?" Oh what makes my heart melt! Joey is so sweet and so vulnerable...oh, and he gives the best hugs ever!! I get myself a Dr. Pepper as I've been fighting a sore throat for a few days and Dr. Pepper always helps. Joey offers to carry my Dr. Pepper for me and as we walk to the car he tells me he loves me and that I'm awesome and that he wouldn't know what he'd do without me. As we drive to pick up the dogs and take them home before picking Josh up from daycare, he tells me "When you told me I have a good arm to throw a football, it really made me feel good. So much that I've been telling people at school that my mom says I have a good throwing arm." I love Joey. I love him with all of my heart and I'm so touched that things I say to him make him feel good.

As is totally predictable, even to me..."the starter mom"...Josh is a bit jealous of the attention and stuff that Joey's received that afternoon. Naturally if Josh "had known" he would have come with us instead of staying at daycare. It doesn't help that daycare is tons more fun with Joey there than without, cause Josh likes to think he's the one in charge. Actually he is...but if you don't have anyone to be in charge of, being in charge means less. He's upset enough to sit in a ball in the garage and cry about being asked to close your car door after exiting. Hmmm. By not paying any attention to this, it stops fairly quickly and Josh moves on.

The evening is pleasant and bedtime is easy. Actually there's tons more to tell, but I'm getting tired and it's past my bedtime. Morning comes earlier these days and I need to get some sleep. More tomorrow.

Where the idea originated

2009-09-15T11:10:00.004-05:00

In October 2008, Gateway Church led an experiment where we wore timepieces that beeped once per hour to remind us to stay connected to God throughout the day. The experiment was called 60-60 which refers to every 60 minutes for 60 days. Our pastor, John Burke, wrote a book called Soul Revolution that led us through the process. To fast forward from the beginning of the experiment to the point where I realize God wants me to adopt children, I'm pasting an extremely long email below that I sent to John Burke and Rick Shurtz, also a pastor at Gateway.

From: Kathleen Edwards
Sent: Sunday, November 09, 2008 11:07 PM
To: Rick Shurtz; John Burke
Subject: Oh My GOD!!

Rick and John...or John and Rick...WOW!

I'm having trouble breathing...anxiety attack I think. A result of being so darn connected with God. Thank you both very much!! No, really, I mean that. I think.

I'll give you a quick summary to catch you up to last Friday morning. I didn't really want to do the 60-60 experiment. I didn't NOT want to do it. I just wasn't excited about it. I've had experience before with watching others get true connections to God and being jealous, and with getting connections that were uncomfortable (see page 154 of Soul Revolution). Nonetheless, it sounded like a lot of trouble. During my small group meeting immediately before starting the experiment, my brilliant small group leader, Christine Lambden (my sister), reminded us of the theme of the Gateway women's retreat from 2 years before. It was "Jesus Loves Me, This I Know...but do I really know?" That reminder caused me to throw my hat in and say that if this experience could cause me to really believe that Jesus loves me, it's worth all the trouble.

Cut to the end of week 1 when I had just read that God talks to us through our own thoughts, through scripture, through other people and through our dreams. I had a dream that I needed to go to Houston and see my best friend from high school and give her a copy of the Soul Revolution. I didn't know if this was God or the power of suggestion. I was already scheduled to go to Houston, so calling her for dinner wasn't all that tough. I had to go by Gateway on my way out of town, so I picked up another copy of the book. Easy squeezy, right? Ok...it wasn't that easy cause, although she had come with me to church growing up, it wasn't as if Jesus had been in our conversations since. When my sister and I met her for dinner (yes, note that I brought my small group leader with me...smart eh?), she almost immediately revealed that she'd asked her husband of 15 years to move out barely 4 weeks prior. Just like John said, you can see God's urgings most clearly in hindsight. We listened, empathized and introduced her to Soul Revolution, which she agreed to try. Done...check...reasonably easy.

Next, I get back to Austin and we are at about 1.5 weeks into the experiment. I hear nothing, and I can't focus on my prayers. I can't even get myself to respond regularly to my beep...Like my sub-conscious thinks I've done my thing and now I don't have to play anymore. I'm really concerned so on Sunday I talk to Rick and plan to see him to discuss my lack of focus. Tuesday night is small group night and I haven't finished my reading of Chapter 7. As I'm rushing out of work late, I call my co-worker, who is also a friend, and give him an update on some things that had come up late in the day. He's immediately ticked off by the news I'm sharing and my gut reaction is to lie to him and tell him I had nothing to do with the decision that he's upset about, when that isn't really true. We get off the phone. I have this sick feeling in my gut that I think is anxiety as I'm running late and still need to finish my reading. When I get home I frantically read pages 112-116 trying to see parallels in my life so I can participate in group, and struggling to find any. (Head slapper, I know.) I get in the car to drive to small group and start to pray for God to slow my thoughts down, focus me and help me to see what He wants for me. I then mirror John's "I lied!" on page 114 and see all the parallels and thank God for helping me to see my sins and ask for help in rectifying them. My small group helped me that night as I managed to say my last 10% and get some great guidance. See how God is talking to me even in my lack of focus?

Next is meeting with Rick on the next Sunday and going through all of the above where he, thankfully, reassures me that all relationships go through ebbs and flows and my relationship with God is no different...that I'm listening and following His leadings and that I should be excited about all of it instead of concerned about not having focus every hour on the hour. I told Rick that I was a bit concerned that these were just warm-ups to something God might ask me to do that would be really hard. But, I know that if God asks me to do something I'm not ready to do, I can always say no.

Halfway through the next week, during a run in my neighborhood I'm praying and asking what I'm supposed to be working on. I hear, "Do you trust me?" (I know you both know that I didn't HEAR that, but that's the random thought that floated my way...if you know what I mean.) As a single woman with no kids, I often pray for God to give me someone to live life with. So, I jumped to the conclusion that we were talking about whether or not I trust God to keep me from making my inevitable bad decisions with men were He to bring me one. As I walked we had a little debate, I don't trust myself to make smart decisions with men and I don't think God will prevent me from making bad decisions, as He gave me free will. I got all tied up in this knot. So, on Sunday, I went up to talk to John after his message. John asked me if I have a strong small group support structure and running partners, which I do...and which I didn't have when I was making all my past bad decisions. He told me to know myself and know that God will lead me in the right direction as long as I stay connected to Him, but to TRUST my support group to keep me accountable and connected. Again, some fantastic pastoral advice from you guys!! Really, I love how accessable you both are and that you have helped me come to peace with some struggles.

This is, of course, why I've come to you with this newest doozy God has plopped on my doorstep. Yes, I'm aware that my quick summary was lengthy. Feel free to take a reading break if you need to, but you really don't want to miss this next part!!!

Lately I've "cleaned up my life"...some things intentionally and some not so intentionally. Through Gateway resources, I've educated myself in how God wants me to date and I am 100% onboard. I've lost interest in drinking more than a glass of wine or two once or twice a month. I've stopped watching violent tv shows as I don't need so many negative vibes in my life. In turn, I've found some empty space in my life. In all seriousness, I'm kind of bored. So, last week I have this dream where I find out I'm pregnant. I decide that this time I'll keep the baby. When asked about the father, I respond that he doesn't matter, this is my decision and I want to keep my baby. When I awake, of course this is a little disturbing as I'm clearly not pregnant. But not all dreams mean anything, so I blow it off. Then, I start getting bombarded with adoption ads on the TV and radio throughout the week. On Friday, there is an Adoption Forum at my worksite. I've considered adoption over the last few years, but never considered it as a viable solution to wanting kids as I don't have a husband and, my last 10% here is that I'm scared of newborns. The TV ads had said that "You don't have to raise a kid to raise them up." Seems like that means there are things I could do to help that fall short of actually adopting kids. So, I go to the Adoption Forum intent on asking what else I could do to help...babysit, donate money, etc. At that Adoption Forum and in the 2 days following it, my entire life changed.

Did you know that you don't need a husband to adopt? Do you know that you can adopt kids that are older so you don't have to deal with diapers or potty training? Do you see that when God asked me if I trust him, he wasn't talking about me trusting him to help me make smart decisions with men? Do you see that He's ready to give me someone to live life with? Do you see that He's telling me that He's prepared me to ADOPT A CHILD? ...or, as it turns out, TWO?????

Oh My GOD! And that part about my being able to say no is ridiculous! Unless I can convince myself that these urgings are all my imagination, which I'm sorely failing at doing, I don't have a single No in my arsenal. God has provided me with a house, a great paying job, an empty life, an overflowing heart and now...after years of asking for a role in the world...after years of asking why I don't have a family...after years of asking what He has in mind for me...now He tells me. And it seems so right. It seems so obvious. I feel like I'm going to explode...with love...with joy...and with fear. I'm scared to death. I have a great family and fantastic small group. I hold you two personally responsible for encouraging me to stay so connected to God! And I'm having trouble breathing...

In Him, Kathleen

Rick's response was:

From: Rick Shurtz
To: Kathleen Edwards
Sent: Thursday, November 13, 2008 5:07:23 PM
Subject: RE: Oh My GOD!!

Wow! I just read your email. I can’t wait to hear the end of this story. I saw that you copied Theresa on the email. She’d be a great person to talk with in that they recently adopted three great kids. There are far too many kids in Austin without good families. You’d be giving an amazing gift.

The Beginning

2009-09-14T23:07:00.000-05:00

Hello. People have been telling me I should be blogging or journaling for quite a while now and I'm not entirely sure why I haven't been. Maybe I was intimidated by the idea. Maybe I'm afraid of who will read my blog. Maybe I'm just too busy to sit down each night and put in an entry. I've got so much to say that I can't possibly say it all. And I realize not documenting anything is hardly the wise response to being afraid I can't document everything. Whatever the reason, I've decided that every story has to begin sometime.

I hope I go back and tell some of the beginning parts of this story. Perhaps I'll get some of my early emails explaining my journey and paste them in here. Perhaps I'll just throw in a story from the past year every now and then. One way or the other you'll get the idea soon enough.

People think I should be blogging because I'm in the process of adopting kids. The past year has been an absolute roller coaster and then the real tidal wave came along when the kids were placed with me. Whew! What a ride!

My game plan for now is to write what each day is like with some background stories here and there. I hope I don't embarrass my kids or anyone in my family by sharing my stories. Much of the reason that I've decided to start doing this for all of them to get some of the stories that I forget to tell. And I love my life right now and I can't wait to start telling you about it. Well, yes I can wait...cause I'm going to wait...until tomorrow. Good night!!